Consolidated Joke Thread
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
'Don't waste your words on people who deserve your silence'
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
'Don't waste your words on people who deserve your silence'
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Norm MacDonald outdoes it again
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tf4RKbX_ojo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tf4RKbX_ojo
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
'Don't waste your words on people who deserve your silence'
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there.
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike... Mike..."
"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike. It's me, Joe..."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! But Joe, what could possibly be the bad news? "
"You're in the team for Saturday, Mike."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed and says: "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike... Mike..."
"Who is it?" Asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike. It's me, Joe..."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"'Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."
"'That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! But Joe, what could possibly be the bad news? "
"You're in the team for Saturday, Mike."
'Don't waste your words on people who deserve your silence'
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
- ea3.jpg (19.17 KiB) Viewed 8743 times
'Don't waste your words on people who deserve your silence'
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
-
jackspratt
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 17545
- Joined: July 2, 2006, 5:29 pm
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
The latest for our lexophiles:
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
'Don't waste your words on people who deserve your silence'
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Today's Groaner :
In the 19th century, a pair of adventurers went in search of the fabled Bacon Tree of Yucatan.
Finally they saw it, the branches dripping with porky delight.
One ran forward to take a bite but was cut down by rifle fire.
With his dying breath, he told his friend: “It’s not a bacon tree, it’s a ham bush.”
In the 19th century, a pair of adventurers went in search of the fabled Bacon Tree of Yucatan.
Finally they saw it, the branches dripping with porky delight.
One ran forward to take a bite but was cut down by rifle fire.
With his dying breath, he told his friend: “It’s not a bacon tree, it’s a ham bush.”
I was born with nothing and still have most of it left
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
'Don't waste your words on people who deserve your silence'
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
I asked my son what he learned at school today. He said, “Gay men like Sony, lesbians favor Yamaha, and transgender people prefer Bose.”
I put my hand on his shoulder and replied, “Son, but those are just stereo types.”
I put my hand on his shoulder and replied, “Son, but those are just stereo types.”
'Don't waste your words on people who deserve your silence'
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
~Reinhold Messner~
'You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand'
~Louise Perica~
"Never put off until tomorrow, what you can put off until next week."
~Ian Vincent~
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
I’m currently eating salad in front of my plants to remind them who's in charge!