Consolidated Joke Thread

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Drunk Monkey
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Drunk Monkey » March 17, 2023, 12:31 pm

747man wrote:
March 16, 2023, 7:56 pm
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
The boy says, “I have a golf ball. Want to buy it?”
The man says, “No, thanks.”
The boys says, “My dad's outside.”
The man says, “OK, how much?”
The boy says, “$250.”
The man forks over the money. The boy says, “I have a sand wedge.”
The man says, “How much?”
The boy says, “$750.”
The man says, “Sold.”
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, “Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some practice. The boy says, “I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge, Dad.”
The father says, “What? How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$1,000.”
The father says, “That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don't start that **** with me again. You're in my closet now!”
Bet you didn't see that coming!
Hey Lilac bollocks .. yer Alzheimers getting worse you posted this ""joke"" 3 weeks ago and it wasnt funny then either.

Now back in the coal bunker with Duncan the gerbil soft lad.


Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 17, 2023, 1:43 pm

Drunk Monkey wrote:
March 17, 2023, 12:31 pm
747man wrote:
March 16, 2023, 7:56 pm
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
The boy says, “I have a golf ball. Want to buy it?”
The man says, “No, thanks.”
The boys says, “My dad's outside.”
The man says, “OK, how much?”
The boy says, “$250.”
The man forks over the money. The boy says, “I have a sand wedge.”
The man says, “How much?”
The boy says, “$750.”
The man says, “Sold.”
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, “Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some practice. The boy says, “I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge, Dad.”
The father says, “What? How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$1,000.”
The father says, “That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don't start that **** with me again. You're in my closet now!”
Bet you didn't see that coming!
But It MUST'VE Been good because YOU Read it TWICE.......555 ! 555 !

Hey Lilac bollocks .. yer Alzheimers getting worse you posted this ""joke"" 3 weeks ago and it wasnt funny then either.

Now back in the coal bunker with Duncan the gerbil soft lad.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 17, 2023, 1:43 pm

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?
'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.
I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered ....
'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....... ..
That was me.......😌😌😌😌😌😌.....555 ! 555 !

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 17, 2023, 2:11 pm

SOME of You will have to THINK About this one, 😳😜 A married man was visiting his "girlfriend" when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me! "Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice..
"Oh really, I can't," he replies..."My wife loves this beard!
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!" 😜😜

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 17, 2023, 3:28 pm

Another One SOME People might have to THINK about.....

Strange Restaurant Behavior
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman sliding down her chair and under the table-but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit unusual; and worried that it might concern other diners, went over and, tactfully, began by saying to the man "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just walked in."

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jackspratt
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by jackspratt » March 17, 2023, 9:05 pm

I'm struggling (as I am sure, are many others) to understand your last 2 jokes, jumbo - even after thinking about them at length.

Can you help with an explanation - I will be eternally obliged. 👍

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 18, 2023, 10:54 am

jackspratt wrote:
March 17, 2023, 9:05 pm
I'm struggling (as I am sure, are many others) to understand your last 2 jokes, jumbo - even after thinking about them at length.

Can you help with an explanation - I will be eternally obliged. 👍
Mr Pratt, Sorry I Cannot help you to understand my last 2 Jokes,All I Can say You must be a Bit " DIM " THINK A Little Harder......

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 18, 2023, 11:13 am

Maybe YOU Will Understand This One WITHOUT Struggling,Mr Pratt......You might have to read it 2 or 3 times though !!

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH'
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience ?'
The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how
Many sales did you make today ?'
The Aussie said 'One !'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one ? Our sales people average 20
Or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for ?'
The Aussie Answered '£124,237.64. Pounds'
The manager choked and exclaimed '124,237:64 POUNDS !!
What the hell did you sell him ?'
'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then
I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
And he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we
Went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, soI took him
Down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki'.
The manager, incredulous, said 'You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to
Buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4 ?
'No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend
And I said.........
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 20, 2023, 3:16 pm

My sexy Chinese
Neighbour told me she
Was desperate for a
roger.
It was only when I had
My trousers round my
Ankles, that I realised
She wanted to rent out
Her spare room

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 20, 2023, 3:18 pm

As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears.
After that, I was terrified of cockroaches........
Just THINK about it !!......Shouldn't Be TOO Difficult for a LOT of Us,But For SOME,It could well be !!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » March 20, 2023, 6:32 pm

clock.png

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by thewatchman » March 20, 2023, 7:23 pm

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laughing at the occasional visitor and failed taxi drivers

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » March 20, 2023, 7:47 pm

On the bright side, you now have 4 tickets in the Goodison Park away end for the derby

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 21, 2023, 8:43 am

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by thewatchman » March 21, 2023, 10:36 am

stattointhailand wrote:
March 20, 2023, 7:47 pm
On the bright side, you now have 4 tickets in the Goodison Park away end for the derby
My mate left one on his gatepost by mistake,he came out next day and someone had robbed the gatepost and left the ticket
laughing at the occasional visitor and failed taxi drivers

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 21, 2023, 11:41 am

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass........and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a
Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of gril led venison filled the neighborhood.
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors. As the Priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » March 21, 2023, 3:12 pm

Gate post, blimey that must be the rich bit of Liverpool if hes got a front garden

livter.png

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 21, 2023, 3:24 pm

stattointhailand wrote:
March 21, 2023, 3:12 pm
Gate post, blimey that must be the rich bit of Liverpool if hes got a front garden


livter.png
Oi, Numb Nuts.....I Had Front,Side,& Back Gardens So Shove that in Yer Pipe !!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by rick » March 21, 2023, 5:29 pm

Reminds me of my friend Danuta. She told me that they were considered posh, because they had a tree in their back yard!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 21, 2023, 8:42 pm

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