Consolidated Joke Thread

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747man
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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 17, 2023, 11:48 am

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 17, 2023, 7:22 pm

To make you smile.....or groan!
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the jerk, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 19, 2023, 11:55 am

·
At the airport and I’ve just witnessed a man collapse on the luggage carousel😢
I think he’s ok though, he’s slowly coming round.

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 19, 2023, 1:53 pm

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by pipadoo » January 19, 2023, 1:54 pm

Hmmmm
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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 19, 2023, 7:24 pm

This One for The Aussies on Here......

God was missing for six days......
Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, see what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet", replied God, "and I've put life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe will be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a another land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Australia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Australia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about that balance, God? You said there would be balance everywhere."
God smiled, "Sometime later I will create a place called Canberra. Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 21, 2023, 11:12 am

I was called into my manager's office today because of my dress code.
He said, "You can't wear pyjamas for work."
I said, "Everyone else does."
He said, "That's because they're patients."

I can’t quite believe I’ve been cured of my kleptomania.
I have to keep pinching myself...

I went into this car themed restaurant for something to eat.
I only had a starter.

I just got a broken drum given to me....... BEST PRESENT EVER!....
You just can't beat it!

A man wrongly sent to Coventry says that the Sat Nav manufacturers are ignoring him.

Last night at the party, I nearly choked on a shoestring.
Someone had laced my drink.

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 22, 2023, 12:16 pm

Multi-syllable words… 😊
Little Johnny goes to school and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me !
"Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Teacher smiles and says
"Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says "No, miss,
you're thinking of a blowjob.
I'm talking about a wa*k." 😊
The teacher fainted !

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 22, 2023, 12:27 pm


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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 22, 2023, 2:15 pm

Three men in a pub. First man says, I don’t understand my wife she ordered wool but she can’t knit. Second man says, I don’t understand my wife she has started a diet but she’s not fat.
Third man says, I don’t understand my wife she’s going on a girlie trip to Benidorm, she’s bought 100 condoms but doesn’t have a dick..........555 !!

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 23, 2023, 12:34 pm

°° Three Do nuts °° 😜
Little Johnny hears about 'Mable's adult fun place' in school and asks his father, what it was. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."
Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! – Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."
Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.
After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madam opens the door. "Yes?" she asks.
"I'm here to have a good time!"
The madam is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside.
She gives him THREE do-nuts and then bids him goodbye.
When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"
"I went to the 'Mable's'!" Johnny proudly boasted!
Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"
"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!"

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 25, 2023, 12:18 pm

A woman rings her husband and tells him she's been promoted at work. She is now the manager's personal assistant and will have to work late some nights, starting tonight.
At breakfast the next morning hubby notices her new watch. When asked about it the wife says she won it in the weekly office raffle.
A week later she rings him to say she has to attend a late meeting with the boss.
Next morning hubby notices her new Gucci purse and asks how can they afford it. "It's okay" she says. "I won it in the weekly office raffle."
One evening the following week, they arrive home at the same time and she tells him she has to go out again to attend a special client meeting and can he run her a bath while she shaves her legs.
When she goes to the bathroom she is shocked to see half an inch of water in the bath and asks her husband, "What's the meaning of this?" Husband replies, "I didn't think you'd want to get your raffle ticket wet."

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by thewatchman » January 26, 2023, 8:56 am

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laughing at the occasional visitor and failed taxi drivers

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 26, 2023, 12:12 pm

thewatchman wrote:
January 26, 2023, 8:56 am
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327470763_915945146071264_2244748940402186955_n.jpg

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 26, 2023, 12:24 pm

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » January 26, 2023, 12:46 pm

thewatchman wrote:
January 26, 2023, 8:56 am
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In keeping with past signings

a) The postman will drive the train
b) The teacher will deliver the mail
c) The nurse will take Geography at Everton Comprehensive school
d) The railway worker will carry out Moshiri's brain transplant

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 27, 2023, 8:37 pm

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his
wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks ( she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea.
It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 29, 2023, 11:48 am

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that Helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 Years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.’

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 29, 2023, 11:53 am

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The AirBus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."
The moral of the story is: When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter.
Dedicated to all my senior friends ~ it’s time to slow down and enjoy the rest of the trip.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » January 30, 2023, 11:58 am

just a little joke now and again don't hurt.
Making a Baby....
This is hilarious!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted..

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