Consolidated Joke Thread

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 18, 2022, 2:22 pm

I copied this because I found it amusing 😂🤣😎🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the bus boy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..'
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out
of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' "Oh, certainly!'
Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest room by 76.39%.' I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.



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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 18, 2022, 10:52 pm

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly an Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."
The moral of the story is: When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter.
Dedicated to all my senior friends ~ it’s time to slow down and enjoy the rest of the trip.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 21, 2022, 6:52 pm

53,000 Liverpool fans meet in Anfield for a
Liverpool fan's are not Stupid convention.
Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd..We are all here
today to prove to the world that Liverpool fans are
not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?
Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage
...Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?
After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says Forty
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then the Liverpool fans start chanting Give him another chance! Give him another chance!
Gerrard says Well since we have a capacity crowd
World-wide press and global broadcast media
I think we can give him another chance
So he asks What is 5 plus 5
After 30 seconds he eventually says Twelve?
Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Liverpool fans begin to yell and wave their hands Shouting Give him another chance
Gerrard unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good and eventually says Ok then
What is 2 plus 2? Silence hangs over the stadium
Rooney closes his eyes and after a Whole minute eventually says Four?
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium
as the Liverpool fans stand man to man
wave their arms stomp their feet and Scream
Give him another chance! Give him another chance!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Potamoi » November 22, 2022, 11:00 am

The use of the word 'flagon' the other day at Chris's Place by a former UM member for a carafe of the Cabernet Sauvignon on tap was the memory trigger for this one. Enjoy!

Jim, Jodi, and Sharon are real people, their last names have been withheld.


Date: xx/xx/xx 10:02 AM
To: Jim
From: Jodi
If you plan to attend Sharon's luncheon, please let me know your selection by Tuesday.
The choices are:

--Broiled Sole Fillets-lightly seasoned or stuffed and served with rice pilaf
--Popcorn Shrimp-bite sized breaded shrimp served with a baked jacket potato
--Grilled Chicken Breast-marinated boneless chicken breast served with rice pilaf
-OR-
--Chicken Fresco-baked chicken tenderloins & vegetables all in a light garlic & parmesan cheese sauce, served over linguini with fresh broccoli

Thanks! Jodi
========================

Dear Jodi,

Thank you for arranging this luncheon for Sharon. I'm deciding what to order, and I have a question.

What about us carnivores? I want meat. Red raw meat. I want them to lead it in on a rope and I want it to "moo" when I bite into it. I don't want anybody I know to see me eating "rice pilaf" or "chicken Fresco." In fact, I don't want anybody who knows anybody I know to see me doing so. I want a dignified meal of steak and potatoes by God, served with flagons of blood-red wine. I want Hungarian red wine, with a picture of a cow on the label. I want to think about Eastern Europeans making this wine for slave wages and making it badly. I want the whole bottle. I want several. I want it served on a white tablecloth and I want that tablecloth to be so soiled when we're done that it can't even be used for rags. I want a meal to remember, in the midst of bawdy company. I want someone to tell off-color jokes and I want us all to laugh till we cry. I want some of us to discover that the person we've mumbled at as we've passed in the halls these last 5 years is a sexual rogue. I want several people to fail to return to work afterward. I want to see a disciplinary memo sent down from the director's office in the wake of all this. I want the restaurant to refuse to serve anyone from the Lab for the next two years. I want to generate gossip. I want media coverage. I want arrests. I want some careers to be launched and others destroyed. I want this luncheon to divide time into a before and an after. Despite her acute embarrassment at all this, I want Sharon to change her mind and stay.

That's what I REALLY want. I just KNOW you're going to tell me I can't have it. So I'll get back to you with my food order.
I fear the man who drinks water and so remembers this morning what the rest of us said last night
Benjamin Franklin

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 22, 2022, 11:32 am

A fella in the pub asked me to name 3 Qatar players….
I said George Harrison, Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 22, 2022, 1:16 pm

316526749_847221149751079_4214408351955030613_n.jpg
You've been " Hacked " Desiree.......555 !!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 23, 2022, 10:31 pm

WARNING........It's An ADULT Joke.....

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.
Jake thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result Jake planned a romantic evening with his wife Mary and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.
To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his jerk sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
Mary was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said. "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
With tears in his eyes he replied. "I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse."

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Whistler » November 24, 2022, 3:36 pm

Good thing about the world cup is learning more about the tiny country of Qatar

I heard the good people there hate The Flinstones, good thing is the citizens of Abu Dhabi do
All wagers will be settled 80 days after the race is over

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 24, 2022, 3:59 pm

Whistler wrote:
November 24, 2022, 3:36 pm
Good thing about the world cup is learning more about the tiny country of Qatar

I heard the good people there hate The Flinstones, good thing is the citizens of Abu Dhabi do
So WHERE is The Joke,Please Tell ??

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Earnest » November 25, 2022, 12:10 am

Yabba dabba doo, Alan.
Toby Esterhase: You're an old spy in a hurry, George. You used to say they were the worst.
George Smiley: Oh they are, Toby, they are.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by tamada » November 25, 2022, 6:03 am

747man wrote:
November 24, 2022, 3:59 pm
Whistler wrote:
November 24, 2022, 3:36 pm
Good thing about the world cup is learning more about the tiny country of Qatar

I heard the good people there hate The Flinstones, good thing is the citizens of Abu Dhabi do
So WHERE is The Joke,Please Tell ??
Everton staying in the EPL.

(couldn't resist but one shouldn't leave open goals like that)
You don't have to be afraid of everything you don't understand.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by jackspratt » November 25, 2022, 10:11 am

Earnest wrote:
November 25, 2022, 12:10 am
Yabba dabba doo, Alan.
The joke didn't improve even with that clarification. :?

Further, Alan will now be worrying about losing his crown as the promoter of the worst dad jokes on the thread.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 25, 2022, 10:43 am

jackspratt wrote:
November 25, 2022, 10:11 am
Earnest wrote:
November 25, 2022, 12:10 am
Yabba dabba doo, Alan.
The joke didn't improve even with that clarification. :?

Further, Alan will now be worrying about losing his crown as the promoter of the worst dad jokes on the thread.
Let's See if YOU Can do any better then Mr Pratt...... :-k :-k

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Whistler » November 25, 2022, 12:01 pm

Blush
All wagers will be settled 80 days after the race is over

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » November 25, 2022, 12:57 pm

Perhaps if you doo dabba with yabba it may have seemed funny at the time?

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » November 25, 2022, 2:49 pm

Whistler wrote:
November 25, 2022, 12:01 pm
Blush
Yeah & So You should be.... :oops: :oops:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Whistler » November 26, 2022, 10:59 am

For 747
doomsday.png
All wagers will be settled 80 days after the race is over

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Khun Paul » November 28, 2022, 9:25 am

This will resonate in many posters minds.
An Old man walks into a Jewellers on a Saturday morning with his (very Young ) girl friend and says I wish to buy a ring for the young lady.
The assistant looks slightly bewildered but the Old man inisted . So he got out a passable ring priced at 10000 Baht.
The Old Man said a special ring please, so the Assistant went out the back and came back with a ring pried at 25000 baht.

No no said the Old Man, a VERY special Ring, so once again the Assistant went back and came out with a stunning Diamond Solitare set in Platinum priced at 60000 Baht.
The Old Man said fine, I will give you a Cheque, on Monday Morning you can ring the bank to clear it and I will come back and pick up the ring.

The following Monday the Old Man came back and the Assistant said, I am sorry the cheque was REFUSED. The Old Man replied , I know but what a weekend !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by jackspratt » November 28, 2022, 8:52 pm

jackspratt wrote:
November 25, 2022, 10:11 am
Earnest wrote:
November 25, 2022, 12:10 am
Yabba dabba doo, Alan.
The joke didn't improve even with that clarification. :?

Further, Alan will now be worrying about losing his crown as the promoter of the worst dad jokes on the thread.
Hold on a sec ..... KP has thrown his hat into the ring. :-s

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Whistler » November 29, 2022, 8:57 am

FB_IMG_1669687002584.jpg
All wagers will be settled 80 days after the race is over

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