Consolidated Joke Thread

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » January 13, 2022, 8:27 pm

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand in town to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s opposite Morrisons and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and toffee's then asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’



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Drunk Monkey
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Drunk Monkey » January 14, 2022, 6:17 am

Thanks Alan ..another early morning belter .. again manifested my first chuckle of the day circa 6am.

DM
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » January 14, 2022, 9:55 am

Drunk Monkey wrote:
January 14, 2022, 6:17 am
Thanks Alan ..another early morning belter .. again manifested my first chuckle of the day circa 6am.

DM
Told Yer I'm Good, Given the Chance !! [-X [-X

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Drunk Monkey
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Drunk Monkey » January 14, 2022, 10:33 am

747man wrote:
January 14, 2022, 9:55 am
Drunk Monkey wrote:
January 14, 2022, 6:17 am
Thanks Alan ..another early morning belter .. again manifested my first chuckle of the day circa 6am.

DM
Told Yer I'm Good, Given the Chance !! [-X [-X
steady on i wouldnt go that far :lol: :lol: ... i am warming to you ON THE JOKE THREAD , so much so im going out to buy some lilac attire !!
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » January 14, 2022, 11:11 am

Drunk Monkey wrote:
January 14, 2022, 10:33 am
747man wrote:
January 14, 2022, 9:55 am
Drunk Monkey wrote:
January 14, 2022, 6:17 am
Thanks Alan ..another early morning belter .. again manifested my first chuckle of the day circa 6am.

DM
Told Yer I'm Good, Given the Chance !! [-X [-X
steady on i wouldnt go that far :lol: :lol: ... i am warming to you ON THE JOKE THREAD , so much so im going out to buy some lilac attire !!
But............Lilac Will NOT Suit You,Try B-L-A-C-K !!

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » January 14, 2022, 11:31 am

Do try to keep up DM, that jokes been on here so many times its faded from lilac so much its almost white [-X

Mjkt
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Mjkt » January 20, 2022, 5:36 pm

WeShouldWait-SueGray.jpg

bluejets
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by bluejets » January 21, 2022, 10:31 am

Surefire Aussie bogan response to new Covid outbreak........sh*** 'emselves again
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