Consolidated Jokes

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » April 19, 2020, 12:10 pm

28 We must finish this football season, even if we have to do it next season

29 You can go for a run or bike ride, but no more than 2km from your house and back, except if your running 5km and requesting 5 friends to break the 2+2 = 4km rule also

30 It is imperative that those over 70 years of age self isolate in their homes away from family and friends for a period of 13 weeks, except if you are a 99 year old who we can then provide half of the 1st Batt Yorkshire reg to come and stand in your garden for a photo op



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vidmaster
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Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » April 22, 2020, 7:35 pm

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.🥴🥴🥴🥴🥴

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » April 24, 2020, 9:24 pm

Is this clapping thing the same as or different from having the clap?

I saw Charlie clapping today.

Has he still got the virus, or does he now have the clap?

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » April 24, 2020, 10:25 pm

Hope for his sake he follows Pata's example and has separate bedrooms

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » April 25, 2020, 3:03 pm

EWXtQLXVAAAAbGE.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » April 26, 2020, 7:57 pm

My sexy Chinese neighbour popped round for a cup of tea and a chat.

I'd stripped myself bare naked in front of her before I realised she'd said she wanted to get a good lodger in.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 1, 2020, 11:05 am

89494657_2633372493575310_3906253166366162944_n.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by jackspratt » May 23, 2020, 12:32 pm

An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night. There was a humongous parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.

MILLIONS lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.

Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.

It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!

Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!

By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"

His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the casket was CLOSED".

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by trekkertony » May 25, 2020, 1:37 am

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We've got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Doodoo » May 26, 2020, 5:11 pm

On our Daily Walk we always find our way passing a local Mental Hospital with a high high wooden fence surrounding it
One thing that we noticed was the cry from the other side of the fence "Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen"
Everyday no matter what time we passed "Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen"
One day I stopped my walking partner and noted a hole in the fence I said "I. am going to have a look for sure to see why they are repeatedly yelling "Thirteen, Thirteen, Thirteen""
I bent over looking through the hole in the fence and suddenly felt the sharpest pain to my eye after a stick had been drivien into it. The cry soon changed to "Fourteen, Fourteen, Fourteen"

Moral??????

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » June 3, 2020, 5:26 pm

Image

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » June 3, 2020, 6:22 pm

It's imperative that something is done immediately to repair the Great Barrier Reef

Too my Aussies are still escaping

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » June 4, 2020, 6:27 am

OMG
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » June 9, 2020, 10:21 pm

Only 23% of Liverpool fans live in the city ................. the rest are on remand all over the country

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Chuchi » June 13, 2020, 9:12 am

1592014270193.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » June 13, 2020, 2:56 pm

Chuchi wrote:
June 13, 2020, 9:12 am
1592014270193.jpg
possibly (being Alf) some scousse git forgetting that her majesty (bless her) is celebrating her birthday for the 162nd time today :-"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vincemunday » June 13, 2020, 5:00 pm

Will mean more to the English among us.
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The forest was shrinking daily but the trees kept voting for the axe as its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Chuchi » June 14, 2020, 7:34 pm

1592138013722.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Chuchi » June 14, 2020, 7:35 pm

1592138008849.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 15, 2020, 1:46 pm

A husband and wife walk into a bar. There is a loud drunken man trying to sing in one corner. The Wife says "Look at that man, I know him, and to think 20 years ago we were engaged to be married, but I left him.

"Looks like he is still celebrating" was my reply................

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