Husband: "Honey, I've been hit by a car. Tina brought me to hospital. I have 3 broken ribs, a broken leg and minor cuts that can be easily stitched up. I'll be ok"
Wife's response "who's Tina?"
Consolidated Joke Thread
-
stattointhailand
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 19114
- Joined: October 25, 2007, 11:34 pm
- Location: Oiling the locks on my gun case
Re: Consolidated Jokes
There are better things in the world than alcohol .......
But
alcohol sorta makes up for not having any of them
But
alcohol sorta makes up for not having any of them
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Taken from Crutchleys column in Bangkok post
Singles Alert
The following singles ad recently appeared in the Atlanta Journal:
"Single black female seeks male companionship. Ethnicity not important. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips. Cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. When you get home from work I will be at the front door wearing only what nature gave me. Call … and ask for Daisy."
More than 1,500 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Labrador retriever.
Singles Alert
The following singles ad recently appeared in the Atlanta Journal:
"Single black female seeks male companionship. Ethnicity not important. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips. Cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. When you get home from work I will be at the front door wearing only what nature gave me. Call … and ask for Daisy."
More than 1,500 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Labrador retriever.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
I don’t know if this is a scam or not but I’ve just received a phone call saying I’d won £250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night. It said press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
I‘ve had my bank card scammed
Luckily my bank realised that I wasn’t getting a Thai massage or ordering takeaway in Guernsey
Luckily my bank realised that I wasn’t getting a Thai massage or ordering takeaway in Guernsey
Re: Consolidated Jokes
My Grandad had a gift;
He foresaw the sinking of the Titanic. He told everyone before it sailed that it would sink. No one would listen to him, even though he was shouting it from the rooftops ! It got so bad, in the end they had to throw him out of the cinema.
He foresaw the sinking of the Titanic. He told everyone before it sailed that it would sink. No one would listen to him, even though he was shouting it from the rooftops ! It got so bad, in the end they had to throw him out of the cinema.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old shotgun.
Peter Jones said, "And what's your idea"?
I replied, "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the ****** bag...
Peter Jones said, "And what's your idea"?
I replied, "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the ****** bag...
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A bird from Chatham goes home one night with a guy she met in a pub. He's tall, good looking, and seems different than most men .
They arrive at his place and head straight to his bedroom. She can't help but notice shelves full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and he isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it up the erse! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too ******' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf.
They arrive at his place and head straight to his bedroom. She can't help but notice shelves full of teddy bears. On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle are medium-sized teddy bears, and finally, on the top are large teddy bears, all lined up beside each other. She begins to think that he is sentimental and sweet, and he isn't afraid to show it. Her heart melts and she want to give him the night of his life. She gives him a blowjob, and lets him really give it to her, and even takes it up the erse! In the morning, she slowly gets dressed, and smiles at him and asks, "How was that?" He nods and says, "Not too ******' bad at all. Help yourself to a prize on the second shelf.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table,
asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass
and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table,
asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass
and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.
Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A lady dies and goes to heaven.
She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.
A few seconds later, she hears another agonised scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly,
"It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomised!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."
She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.
A few seconds later, she hears another agonised scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.
"What was that?!" she asked anxiously.
"Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly,
"It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings."
The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter.
"I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the lady.
"But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomised!"
"It's OK," says the lady, "I've already got the holes for that."
