Consolidated Joke Thread
- stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Jokes
Hope they have a very strong bed in No 10 as BOJO will spend the next 5 years Lie ing on it
- Drunk Monkey
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Re: Consolidated Jokes
My first laff nay gafaww of the day thanks Alan ..im.gonna tell.this one but change it to a Grimsby shirt .
Quality laughs mate .. its good to smile .
Dm.
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the programme had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far,"
Said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"But for a million euro you've only got one life-line left a phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question....Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. “Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple...It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock...!” Paddy replied back.
"You've done very well so far,"
Said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"But for a million euro you've only got one life-line left a phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question....Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. “Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple...It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock...!” Paddy replied back.
- sometimewoodworker
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Re: Consolidated Jokes
Jerome and Nui's new househttp://bit.ly/NJnewHouse
In my posts all fees and requirements are the standard R&R but TIT and a brown envelope can make incredible changes YMMV.
In my posts all fees and requirements are the standard R&R but TIT and a brown envelope can make incredible changes YMMV.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Just been offered 8 legs of venison for £40. Is that two deer?
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A recent article in the Times reported that a woman, Anita Patel, has sued a reputed Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in me.
*A hospital spokesman replied in court : Mr. Patel was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was corrected his eyesight*.
*A hospital spokesman replied in court : Mr. Patel was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was corrected his eyesight*.
- stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Jokes
I mentioned the war as a distraction ............ but I think we both got away with it
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Topical
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- jackspratt
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Re: Consolidated Jokes
FMD - we've got different "Consolidated Jokes" threads on two different forums, and both started by the same OP.
Now that is funny.
Now that is funny.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
It's Meant to be FUNNY Jack,It's CONSOLIDATED JOKES !!jackspratt wrote: ↑December 24, 2019, 4:34 pmFMD - we've got different "Consolidated Jokes" threads on two different forums, and both started by the same OP.
Now that is funny.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Thanks for pointing that out, gentlemen. The joke threads are now consolidated here, where they belong.747man wrote: ↑December 24, 2019, 5:47 pmIt's Meant to be FUNNY Jack,It's CONSOLIDATED JOKES !!jackspratt wrote: ↑December 24, 2019, 4:34 pmFMD - we've got different "Consolidated Jokes" threads on two different forums, and both started by the same OP.
Now that is funny.
- Barney
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Re: Consolidated Jokes
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
- jackspratt
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Re: Consolidated Jokes
Well, now it is.747man wrote: ↑December 24, 2019, 5:47 pmIt's Meant to be FUNNY Jack,It's CONSOLIDATED JOKES !!jackspratt wrote: ↑December 24, 2019, 4:34 pmFMD - we've got different "Consolidated Jokes" threads on two different forums, and both started by the same OP.
Now that is funny.
- Brian Davis
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Re: Consolidated Jokes
IT SNOWED LAST NIGHT
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous
chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could
have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..woman...person asked why I didn't just make
one
snow person with detachable parts.
.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose,
as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
.
8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demanded the snow woman wear a
burqa.
.
8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended
.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the
snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic
role.
.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with
eviction.
.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the
difference between snowmen and snow-women. I replied "Snowballs" and am
now
called a sexist.
.
9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe
sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult
weather.
.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by
social services.
.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street
demanding for me to be beheaded.
MORAL:
There is no moral to this story. It is what western civilization sadly has become.
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous
chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could
have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..woman...person asked why I didn't just make
one
snow person with detachable parts.
.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose,
as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
.
8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demanded the snow woman wear a
burqa.
.
8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended
.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the
snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic
role.
.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with
eviction.
.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the
difference between snowmen and snow-women. I replied "Snowballs" and am
now
called a sexist.
.
9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe
sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult
weather.
.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by
social services.
.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street
demanding for me to be beheaded.
MORAL:
There is no moral to this story. It is what western civilization sadly has become.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint ya in the nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to £10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint ya in the nude alright, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
Re: Consolidated Jokes
The 12 commandments of growing older
#1 - Talk to yourself, because there are times you need expert advice.
#2 - Consider "in style" to be the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management, you just need people to stop annoying you
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."
#6 - These days, "on time" is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age look so much older than you.
#10 - You thought growing old would take a lot longer.
#11 - Aging sure has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
And one more:
So you know you're growing older when "one for the road" means taking a pee before you leave
#1 - Talk to yourself, because there are times you need expert advice.
#2 - Consider "in style" to be the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management, you just need people to stop annoying you
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."
#6 - These days, "on time" is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age look so much older than you.
#10 - You thought growing old would take a lot longer.
#11 - Aging sure has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
And one more:
So you know you're growing older when "one for the road" means taking a pee before you leave
Re: Consolidated Jokes
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park!"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park!"