Consolidated Jokes

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747man
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Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 10, 2019, 7:07 pm

When I was a kid my dad used to tell me to keep my pocket money in a special money box under the stairs I was 15 before I found out it was our gas meter



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Barney
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Barney » November 11, 2019, 7:50 pm

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Barney
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Barney » November 11, 2019, 7:51 pm

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » November 11, 2019, 10:15 pm

errr wheres all the jokes gone ???

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Barney
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Barney » November 12, 2019, 3:41 pm

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » November 13, 2019, 6:36 pm

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed
middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the
woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so
rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was
under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his
place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to
have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong
hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you
seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » November 14, 2019, 8:38 am

This any good?
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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » November 15, 2019, 10:07 am

A man died and met St Peter at the Gates of Heaven, who explained, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you - we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad.
We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs.
So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip.
Well, I pulled the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive said St Peter "when did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,”😩😩🥴🥴🥴🤓🤓🤓

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » November 17, 2019, 5:02 pm

This guy brings his best buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work:
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a fecking mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my fecking pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the feck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
He replied. "Because he's thinking of getting married."

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » December 1, 2019, 1:17 pm

Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.

In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.

The camel's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK then, just bring me the dead camel.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead camel!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.

I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead camel?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.

I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.

So I gave him his $2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank.

But yesterday Paddy got an offer to work for the Prime Minister as a Financial Planner

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » December 3, 2019, 11:11 am

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a carpark for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, it’s parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1.40 for cars and £7 for buses.

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the carpark was the Zoo’s own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy … is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day — for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 5 million pounds … and no one even knows his name.

Haha.. brilliant!!

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