Consolidated Jokes

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 20, 2019, 10:07 am

YOU GOT TOO MUCH SPARE TIME ON YER HANDS...........Yeah Jon, GIZZA A JOB !!!



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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » November 21, 2019, 1:27 pm

St Peter, St Paul & JC were having a round of golf
at the first par 3 St Peter hits a 6 iron which bounces on the fringe and trickles a few inches onto the green
St Paul tees off next and his shot lands softly on the green and runs to within 5 feet of the pin where it stops
JC plays his shot with his 7 iron and it lands just short of the green, takes three bounces and trickles to within an inch of the pin ......... at that moment a rabbit runs out of the rough behind the green grabs JC's ball and runs through the trees and into the clearing beyond, as he gets into the open a hawk sees him swoops down and grabs him, taking him 50 feet, 100 feet 200 feet into the air, at which time the rabbit lets go of the ball, it lands back on the green and drops into the hole to which JC looked skywards and yells "FFS Dad were trying to play for money"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 22, 2019, 11:48 am

PADDY'S LAST WILL - 🤔🤦‍♀️🤦‍♂️😂😂😂😂
Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."

"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."

"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."

"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?”, his wife replies. “The fu*ker had a window cleaning round."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » November 25, 2019, 7:28 pm

New crime programme on Newcastle TV .......... CS Y I

We've had Soft Brexit
We've had Hard Brexit
So now we're gonna try Readybreksit

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by TJ » November 26, 2019, 7:55 am

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » November 26, 2019, 8:12 am

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 26, 2019, 10:38 am

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » November 28, 2019, 7:30 am

I started my new job today.
My boss handed me a fiver and said, "First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level."
I laughed and said, "Do you really think I'm that bloody stupid?"
"What do you mean ?" He sniggered.
I said, "That lot is going to cost more than a bloody fiver."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by TAXIfor7/11 » November 28, 2019, 9:15 am

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » December 1, 2019, 1:17 pm

Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.

In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.

The camel's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK then, just bring me the dead camel.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead camel!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.

I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead camel?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.

I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.

So I gave him his $2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank.

But yesterday Paddy got an offer to work for the Prime Minister as a Financial Planner

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » December 3, 2019, 11:11 am

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a carpark for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, it’s parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1.40 for cars and £7 for buses.

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the carpark was the Zoo’s own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy … is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day — for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 5 million pounds … and no one even knows his name.

Haha.. brilliant!!

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » December 14, 2019, 5:26 pm

My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a Liverpool top for 2 weeks to see how people will react.
So far he has been spat at, punched and verbally abused.

It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » December 14, 2019, 9:58 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » December 15, 2019, 12:36 am

Hope they have a very strong bed in No 10 as BOJO will spend the next 5 years Lie ing on it :-&

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Drunk Monkey » December 15, 2019, 7:47 am

747man wrote:
December 14, 2019, 5:26 pm
My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a Liverpool top for 2 weeks to see how people will react.
So far he has been spat at, punched and verbally abused.

It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.
My first laff nay gafaww of the day thanks Alan ..im.gonna tell.this one but change it to a Grimsby shirt .

Quality laughs mate .. its good to smile .

Dm.
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » December 17, 2019, 7:37 pm

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the programme had already won 500,000 euros.

"You've done very well so far,"
Said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"But for a million euro you've only got one life-line left a phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question....Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. “Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple...It's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock...!” Paddy replied back.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by sometimewoodworker » December 17, 2019, 10:16 pm

Jerome and Nui's new househttp://bit.ly/NJnewHouse

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » December 19, 2019, 1:27 pm

Just been offered 8 legs of venison for £40. Is that two deer?

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » December 24, 2019, 3:34 pm

A recent article in the Times reported that a woman, Anita Patel, has sued a reputed Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in me.
*A hospital spokesman replied in court : Mr. Patel was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was corrected his eyesight*.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » December 24, 2019, 4:09 pm

I mentioned the war as a distraction ............ but I think we both got away with it :-$

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