Consolidated Jokes

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » November 3, 2019, 7:02 pm

The new Brexit advent calendar is now available from Amazon ..... It's exactly the same as a regular advent calendar except all the windows are boarded up.



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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » November 3, 2019, 7:05 pm

The UK has opted for a rare December general election. The last time that happened the average weekly wage was GBP 5 and the average price of a house was GBP 350

About the same as it is likely to be AFTER BREXIT

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Drunk Monkey » November 3, 2019, 7:12 pm

STATTS .. Udons biggest REMOANER !!

WE VOTED LEAVE !! .. not half leave ...LEAVE .. deal or no deal and on WTO rules if ness .. thats what it said in the 2016 refo.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » November 3, 2019, 7:38 pm

Drunk Monkey wrote:
November 3, 2019, 7:12 pm
STATTS .. Udons biggest REMOANER !!

WE VOTED LEAVE !! .. not half leave ...LEAVE .. deal or no deal and on WTO rules if ness .. thats what it said in the 2016 refo.
We voted STAY in 1975. not half stay, not change our mind later, not give in when the going got tough ...... twas also the first and only time i've ever voted WITH the tories :shock: :-& :-$

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 4, 2019, 6:09 pm

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » November 11, 2019, 10:19 pm

OK pannikover found em :roll:

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » November 12, 2019, 12:54 pm

747man wrote:
November 4, 2019, 6:09 pm
What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
Hopefully you're copying and pasting from the internet 747man. Readers would be hoping one of our more popular posters isn't posting from personal experience. :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 12, 2019, 5:17 pm

GT93 wrote:
November 12, 2019, 12:54 pm
747man wrote:
November 4, 2019, 6:09 pm
What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
Hopefully you're copying and pasting from the internet 747man. Readers would be hoping one of our more popular posters isn't posting from personal experience. :lol:
Of Course I'm Copying & pasting from 'Tinternet GT,What kind of Guy do you think I Am..??
Meanwhile GT Get back to Yer Sheep..... :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 12, 2019, 10:57 pm

The man who invented predictive text has died.

His funfairs next monkey. May he rust in piss.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » November 19, 2019, 2:35 pm

My gran phoned last night and seemed quite distressed, seems that she had spent two days going all over town trying to by some muslims .......... god knows what gramps will say when he doesn't get his steamed steak & kidney pud this week :roll:

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Drunk Monkey » November 20, 2019, 8:30 am

747man wrote:
November 12, 2019, 10:57 pm
The man who invented predictive text has died.

His funfairs next monkey. May he rust in piss.
Cant beat a good chortle in the morning ,, Despite being an Emerton fan , the strange accent , lilac shorts and rather tainted profession...... i love your contributions on this thread young Alan .

Just confirms as i thought .. searching for all the crackers you post ..YOU GOT TOO MUCH SPARE TIME ON YER HANDS

DM

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 20, 2019, 10:07 am

YOU GOT TOO MUCH SPARE TIME ON YER HANDS...........Yeah Jon, GIZZA A JOB !!!

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » November 21, 2019, 1:27 pm

St Peter, St Paul & JC were having a round of golf
at the first par 3 St Peter hits a 6 iron which bounces on the fringe and trickles a few inches onto the green
St Paul tees off next and his shot lands softly on the green and runs to within 5 feet of the pin where it stops
JC plays his shot with his 7 iron and it lands just short of the green, takes three bounces and trickles to within an inch of the pin ......... at that moment a rabbit runs out of the rough behind the green grabs JC's ball and runs through the trees and into the clearing beyond, as he gets into the open a hawk sees him swoops down and grabs him, taking him 50 feet, 100 feet 200 feet into the air, at which time the rabbit lets go of the ball, it lands back on the green and drops into the hole to which JC looked skywards and yells "FFS Dad were trying to play for money"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 22, 2019, 11:48 am

PADDY'S LAST WILL - 🤔🤦‍♀️🤦‍♂️😂😂😂😂
Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."

"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."

"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."

"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?”, his wife replies. “The fu*ker had a window cleaning round."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » November 25, 2019, 7:28 pm

New crime programme on Newcastle TV .......... CS Y I

We've had Soft Brexit
We've had Hard Brexit
So now we're gonna try Readybreksit

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by TJ » November 26, 2019, 7:55 am

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » November 26, 2019, 8:12 am

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 26, 2019, 10:38 am

75317383_2549070378659809_6278407919419523072_n.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » November 28, 2019, 7:30 am

I started my new job today.
My boss handed me a fiver and said, "First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level."
I laughed and said, "Do you really think I'm that bloody stupid?"
"What do you mean ?" He sniggered.
I said, "That lot is going to cost more than a bloody fiver."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by TAXIfor7/11 » November 28, 2019, 9:15 am

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