Consolidated Jokes

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UdonExpat
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by UdonExpat » July 17, 2019, 7:21 am

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well-spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"



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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » July 17, 2019, 5:55 pm

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Little Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Johnny has put so much thought into this.

"Well Johnny, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is so adorable.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by UdonExpat » July 20, 2019, 5:06 pm

- A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

The rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, " Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » July 21, 2019, 11:34 am

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tinpeeba » July 22, 2019, 2:48 am

Only two ants.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » July 22, 2019, 11:06 am

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on manhood first.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realised that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He tried every button on the instrument without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier from his mobile.
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from you. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected ten litres. Have a nice day."😳😳😳😩😩😩🤓🤓🤓🤣🤣🤣

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » August 7, 2019, 4:45 pm

Lets all lighten up a little.
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+.
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by TJ » August 13, 2019, 3:57 pm

"In Europe, outlawing automatic weapons is expected to reduce terrorist attacks by 90%"

Why is that?

"Because 9 out of 10 Islamic extremists don’t know how to drive using a manual transmission." :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » August 16, 2019, 9:45 pm

Never forget that the urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is just a whim away, a whim away...

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » August 16, 2019, 9:53 pm

There are only 10 kinds of people.

Those that understand Binary and those that dont

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » August 16, 2019, 9:59 pm

Paddy Mick & Murphy went on a space flight, but they couldn't land, it was a full moon

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » August 22, 2019, 3:02 pm

Could happen 😩😩😩😩😩😩
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » August 22, 2019, 9:51 pm

Why dont they allow blow jobs in TV ads?

We all know you cant spell advertisements without semen between the tits

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » August 23, 2019, 8:24 pm

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a £10 note in the dog's mouth and a note reading "10 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, the butcher takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the time table and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the porch. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.

He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius my ass, this is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » August 27, 2019, 8:01 pm

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the
guy starts feeling a little frisky.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall
and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh, yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's
older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a
sleepy voice, she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... or if
need be Mom says she can come down herself and do it.

But for
heaven's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Udon Map » August 27, 2019, 11:03 pm

747man wrote:
August 27, 2019, 8:01 pm
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home....

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » September 4, 2019, 8:07 pm

Jeremy Corbyn asked the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient organisation? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Jeremy Corbyn then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch me and listen" The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"
Prince Charles walked into the room and said, "Yes, Mother? The Queen smiled and said to Charles, "Answer me this please Charles. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered "That would be me." "Yes, very good!" Said the Queen. Ah ha I get it said Jeremy, thank you Ma'am. And in a great rush he left.
Corbyn went back to Parliament and decided to ask Diane Abbott the same question. "Diane, answer this for me." "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Abbott. And then in true Diane Abbott style she went on to say. "Let me get back to you on that one." She went to her advisers and asked everyone, but none could give her an answer.
Frustrated, Diane went for a coffee and met Nigel Farage. "Nigel, see if you can answer this question." "Yes Diane" replied Nigel. "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Farage immediately answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Abbott grinned, and said, "Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"
Abbott then, went back to find Corbyn and said to him; "Jeremy, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle." "If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister, the child is Nigel Farage!" Corbyn went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Abbott, and yelled in her face, "No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!
. . . AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHY LABOUR IS DOING SO BADLY

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » September 4, 2019, 9:09 pm

I suspect that over the years lizzie has learned to never ever ask any questions about royal parentage :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » September 4, 2019, 9:47 pm

AlexO wrote:
September 4, 2019, 8:07 pm
Jeremy Corbyn asked the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient organisation? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Jeremy Corbyn then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch me and listen" The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"
Prince Charles walked into the room and said, "Yes, Mother? The Queen smiled and said to Charles, "Answer me this please Charles. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered "That would be me." "Yes, very good!" Said the Queen. Ah ha I get it said Jeremy, thank you Ma'am. And in a great rush he left.
Corbyn went back to Parliament and decided to ask Diane Abbott the same question. "Diane, answer this for me." "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Abbott. And then in true Diane Abbott style she went on to say. "Let me get back to you on that one." She went to her advisers and asked everyone, but none could give her an answer.
Frustrated, Diane went for a coffee and met Nigel Farage. "Nigel, see if you can answer this question." "Yes Diane" replied Nigel. "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Farage immediately answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Abbott grinned, and said, "Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"
Abbott then, went back to find Corbyn and said to him; "Jeremy, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle." "If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister, the child is Nigel Farage!" Corbyn went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Abbott, and yelled in her face, "No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!
. . . AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHY LABOUR IS DOING SO BADLY
=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by saint » September 5, 2019, 8:27 am

Yep , that pretty much sums up the cream of the Labour party . So sad , but so true .

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