Consolidated Joke Thread

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tamada
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tamada » June 12, 2019, 10:39 am

My favorite from my dad was,

"And the Lord said unto Moses
That all Jews will have long noses.
Except Aaron,
Who'll have a square'un."



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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » June 12, 2019, 10:56 am

My Dad,s was
Moshe visited his mate Uri who was scraping off the wallpaper in his lounge
Moshe asked URI “ re decorating?”
Uri replies” no, I’m moving next week “😳🧐😩🤓🤣🤣🤣

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Sateeb » June 12, 2019, 9:55 pm

The extension cord topic reminded me of this oldie but goodie. :shock:

Image

I'll pass thanks.

Image

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » June 12, 2019, 9:58 pm

Well it could happen 🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓
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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » June 13, 2019, 6:15 am

I was at the Grocery store with Grandpa a retired airforce pilot when two Girls in *super short skirts* walked by.
Grandpa said, "Look at those *Jet Skirts*" as we both admired the two Ladies.
I had to know, what's a Jet Skirt?
Grandpa replied, "It's a Skirt so short that *when they bend over you can see the Cockpit.*"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » June 13, 2019, 8:15 am

My wife was standing in her underwear, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. 'I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." ..... And then the trouble started...😳😳😩😩🤓🤓🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 13, 2019, 10:46 am

A man was lying on his bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles - something she obviously loved 2 do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?' 'Because' she replied, ' 'I miss mine so much '

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 13, 2019, 11:05 am

D84gf9DXUAAh_qG.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 14, 2019, 7:17 pm

D3kfCmLXsAY4BRz.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 14, 2019, 10:56 pm

Nominated my overweight mate for new reality TV show. Sent a photo in of him and everything. They refused him saying I'd got it wrong and the show is actually called 'fact hunt'.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 14, 2019, 11:27 pm

David Beckham attended a football management seminar and when he got on stage he said,"Well I really like them because they make your breath all minty." The host replied, We're talking about tactics you thick ****."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 15, 2019, 6:55 pm

D9GX1-KXUAIDXzQ.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 15, 2019, 7:03 pm

A cop stopped me and said "My dog has sniffed you and he's told me you are on drugs". I replied: "I'm on drugs? You're the one with the talking dog"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 16, 2019, 8:40 pm

Just witnessed a man aggressively wielding a large bacon baguette running down the road and shouting "ALANS SNACKBAR!".

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by dunroaming » June 16, 2019, 10:40 pm

747man wrote:
June 16, 2019, 8:40 pm
Just witnessed a man aggressively wielding a large bacon baguette running down the road and shouting "ALANS SNACKBAR!".
Might help selling your house, good luck with that

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » June 16, 2019, 11:59 pm

One day a travelling salesman was driving down a country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.
He accelerated, but at 50 miles per hour, the chicken was still keeping up.
After about a mile of running the chicken disappeared up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane.
He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.
"That"s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman.
"How do they taste?"
"I don't know," said the farmer........

"We've never caught one."🧐🧐😩😩🤓🤓🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👍

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » June 17, 2019, 4:49 pm

Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the M11 motorway at 11MPH so he says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » June 18, 2019, 11:45 am

A lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest with whom she began talking,
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
“From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied.
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!”🤓🤓🤓🤓

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » June 18, 2019, 6:48 pm

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 19, 2019, 11:35 am

My mate told me he was going on holiday for a fortnight so I asked him to bring me 800 fags back. When he got back he gave me the cigs and I asked him how much I owed him
He said. "£385"
"Fu*k me! Where you been?" I asked.
"Great Yarmouth" he replied.

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