Consolidated Jokes

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 7, 2019, 9:05 pm

Got pulled over by the police last night.
He said, "Sir do you know your car was swerving all over the road?" I replied, "Sorry officer but I've drunk ten pints and six large vodkas up the pub and feel a bit pissed."
He said, "But That's no excuse to let your wife drive!"



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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » June 8, 2019, 10:15 pm

The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses.

The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.

Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'😩😩😩🤓🤓🤓🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤓

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 9, 2019, 4:13 pm

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical....... He didn't say another word the whole journey

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 10, 2019, 11:31 pm

Just been asked by a group of teenagers outside the Co-op if I would get them 20 Richmonds. Stupidly I agreed and got them a packet, I handed them over and you should have heard the abuse I got!!
So I told them next time, get your own sausages

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » June 11, 2019, 10:55 am

Asked if he leaves the dressing room when his players are getting changed, England Women's manager Phil Neville said there was no need as he was used to seeing tits and twats from his time at Everton..

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 11, 2019, 11:23 am

AlexO wrote:
June 11, 2019, 10:55 am
Asked if he leaves the dressing room when his players are getting changed, England Women's manager Phil Neville said there was no need as he was used to seeing tits and twats from his time at Everton..
Oooooooooooohhhhh ! YOU Are Awful...... :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » June 11, 2019, 1:08 pm

Gives the phrase "Takes one to know one" whole new meaning :lol:

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » June 11, 2019, 8:23 pm

Scottish man was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his mobile phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way,folks...like I said, my boy's a typical Highland baby boy."
Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "You're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The father took a slow swig from his Johnny Walker Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » June 11, 2019, 9:46 pm

Why do Jews all have big noses?

Air is free

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Stantheman
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Stantheman » June 11, 2019, 10:26 pm

stattointhailand wrote:
June 11, 2019, 9:46 pm
Why do Jews all have big noses?

Air is free
Do we really need this stereotype of joke here, personally I think it is uncalled for.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » June 11, 2019, 10:38 pm

That's why this thread WAS called UN P C jokes when it started.

Its the bloody PC Brigade that has completely killed comedy, cant make jokes about this/that /and especially the other ooooooooo I'm offended

BTW that joke was from a BBC programme called QI and if its good enough for BBC its good enough for Udonmap

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » June 11, 2019, 11:09 pm

Stan needs to just not look at this thread
He obviously doesn’t know how to laugh

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » June 12, 2019, 9:59 am

vidmaster wrote:
June 11, 2019, 11:09 pm
Stan needs to just not look at this thread
He obviously doesn’t know how to laugh
Nah, from what I remember Stan's OK and enjoys a good rib tickler. I blame the fact that he is being subjected to so much US TV Censorship of comedy that he is now programmed to "be offended" at the slightest thing, just like those in UK and other "PC at all costs" countries.

Have a look at some of the current batch of Stand Up comics ...... apart from the fact that youve never heard of them (thats a pretty good clue to how good they are) their acts are atrocious at best and would never have got past the Church Hall Talent show 30 odd years ago [-X

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Doodoo » June 12, 2019, 10:38 am

Rumor has it that copper wire was invented by 2 Scotsmen fighting over a penny

Billy Coonoly

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tamada » June 12, 2019, 10:39 am

My favorite from my dad was,

"And the Lord said unto Moses
That all Jews will have long noses.
Except Aaron,
Who'll have a square'un."

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » June 12, 2019, 10:56 am

My Dad,s was
Moshe visited his mate Uri who was scraping off the wallpaper in his lounge
Moshe asked URI “ re decorating?”
Uri replies” no, I’m moving next week “😳🧐😩🤓🤣🤣🤣

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Sateeb
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Sateeb » June 12, 2019, 9:55 pm

The extension cord topic reminded me of this oldie but goodie. :shock:

Image

I'll pass thanks.

Image

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » June 12, 2019, 9:58 pm

Well it could happen 🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » June 13, 2019, 6:15 am

I was at the Grocery store with Grandpa a retired airforce pilot when two Girls in *super short skirts* walked by.
Grandpa said, "Look at those *Jet Skirts*" as we both admired the two Ladies.
I had to know, what's a Jet Skirt?
Grandpa replied, "It's a Skirt so short that *when they bend over you can see the Cockpit.*"

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » June 13, 2019, 8:15 am

My wife was standing in her underwear, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. 'I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." ..... And then the trouble started...😳😳😩😩🤓🤓🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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