Consolidated Joke Thread

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 13, 2019, 7:05 am

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully.

Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."🧐😌🤓🤓🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣



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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 13, 2019, 7:36 pm

THIS IS A MUST READ.......BRILLIANT 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 18, 2019, 8:33 am

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 18, 2019, 10:09 pm

Could happen
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 21, 2019, 4:50 pm

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.'
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 22, 2019, 7:46 pm

The wife claims to have quit smoking. To see if she's telling the truth I've gone to the pub and left the gas on.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » May 22, 2019, 9:10 pm

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because the parrots eat em all

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 24, 2019, 1:51 pm

Little Johnny is Back......
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 24, 2019, 7:11 pm

Two Strepsils are in a bar when a locket walks in and shouts

“Who wants some?”

One Strepsil turns to the other one and says

“Don’t mess with him mate! He’s menthol”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 24, 2019, 7:25 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » May 25, 2019, 11:14 pm

Didn't have the balls to put this one in the footie thread :lol:

"Everton are demanding at least £100m for Richarlison - with Manchester United and Barcelona eyeing a shock move this summer."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 26, 2019, 8:38 pm

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'Thought he was having his picture taken.'

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 29, 2019, 9:56 pm

a boy and his dog playing on the beach and dog goes in the sea and gets into trouble and starts crying
A Jewish man comes bye and asks why is he crying. He says my dog’s out there can you save him?
So Jew swims out and saves the dog.
When the boy is reunited with his dog he says thank you and asks man” are you a vet”?
The Jew says am a vet, I’m f**individual soaking !!!!!

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 29, 2019, 10:15 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 29, 2019, 10:36 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 30, 2019, 11:55 pm

Old fella was in the garden cutting veg for sunday dinner when he tripped and fell on the knife killing himself.
After ambulance had been and gone, and all was quiet in the street again, a family friend came round to offer their condolences. Eeee Elsie, i'm so sorry to hear whats hapenned. What you going to do now?

I suppose i'll have to open a tin of peas, came the reply.....😳😩😉🤓🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 31, 2019, 7:06 pm

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says,“That’s so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole !"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he has hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client ?"
The officer responds,“Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make ?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
“Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."

How Often Can One Get An Attorney To Convict His Own Client?

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » June 1, 2019, 5:19 am

There was this little Boy about 12 years old, walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened Frog on a Piece of String behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the Door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the Women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the Girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the Girls have any Diseases"..??
Of course the Madam said, “NO”.
He said,
"I heard all the Men talking about having to get Shots after making love with Amber. An THAT'S the Girl I want".
Since the little Boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the Squashed Frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the Frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the Door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only Girl in the place with a Disease, instead of one of the others"..??
He said,
"Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a Restaurant for Dinner, leaving me at home with a Baby-Sitter. After they leave, my Baby-Sitter will have Sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the Baby-Sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the Baby-Sitter's bones, and he'll catch the Disease. Then when Dad gets home from the Baby-Sitters, he and Mom will go to Bed and have Sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the Milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the Disease,
and HE'S the fecker who ran over my Pet FROG"..

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 1, 2019, 5:10 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 3, 2019, 6:16 pm

I Could Post this on Another Thread......But I'll Resist...
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