Consolidated Joke Thread

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 2, 2019, 2:05 pm

I went to identify my wife’s body at the mortuary
A policeman asked me if I was absolutely sure it’s her.
Yes I said, she’s cold, rigid and she’s not talking to me.
It’s definitely her🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣



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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 2, 2019, 10:49 pm

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.
The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."
The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 3, 2019, 12:22 pm

D5khk0eXkAE-7Wc.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » May 4, 2019, 4:05 am

Punchline 1 of 2

A woman’s sex life is going nowhere, so she goes to see her doctor.

After a few well-placed questions, the doctor realises that some spice just needs to be added, so he recommends that the woman buy some crotchless knickers.

The husband gets home, quietly eats the lovely dinner waiting for him, and as usual slobs out on his armchair reading his newspaper.

The woman seizes the opportunity, dons her crotchless knickers and sits on the settee opposite playing with herself.

After 30 mins or so, the husband looks over the top of his newspaper and says “Are they crotchless knickers?”

“Yeah, they are” breathes the woman lustily.

“Thank goodness for that!” exclaims the husband, “For a minute, I thought the settee had burst!”

Punchline 2 of 2

That night, as usual the husband gets into bed with his pyjamas on, lays with his back to the woman and starts going to sleep.

The woman seizes the opportunity, dons her crotchless knickers, and starts playing with herself, coming on to her husband.

“What are you doing?” demands the husband after a few minutes.

“Do you fancy a bit of this?” asks the woman, sexily.

“You’ve got to be joking!” exclaims the husband “Look at what it’s done to your knickers!”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 4, 2019, 5:11 am

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, one older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then he turned to the young man and said ......

"Alright. Get in."😳🧐😩🤓🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 4, 2019, 5:26 am

Snotty Receptionist Yesterday :
I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......
The waiting room was filled with patients. As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice i replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted in applause!
DO NOT MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!...

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 5, 2019, 12:08 pm

D5wJO8IWsAEeReV.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 6, 2019, 7:58 pm

A Woman and a man were
involved in a car accident.
It's a bad one, caused by the
woman's reckless driving. (no
offence meant to anyone )
Both of their cars were damaged
beyond repairs but amazingly
neither of them is hurt.
After they crawled out of their
cars, the woman says;
... "So, you're a man. That's
interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but
fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that
we should meet and be friends
and live together in peace for the
rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with
you completely. This must be a
sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look
at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely damaged, but
this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this
wine and celebrate our good
fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the
man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it, drinks half
the bottle and then hands it back
to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle,
immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having
any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just
wait for the police to come and
collect their evidence."
Adam ate the apple again!!!
Men will NEVER learn!!!
Women will Never change!!!

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 6, 2019, 11:27 pm

A RM Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 24 men raised their hands, except the one naval MA.

The sergeant asked the MA "Why didn't you raise your hand?"

The MA replied: "Can't be arsed, Sarge."😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 7, 2019, 2:20 pm

Was in the pub a few months ago with my mate and these 4 huge bastards started mouthing off at us

“Pretend we’re the police” my mate said

I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the ---- out of us.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 7, 2019, 3:15 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 7, 2019, 3:27 pm

🧐😉👍😂😂😂😂😂
Attachments
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » May 9, 2019, 1:54 am

I saw a bewildered looking coke-head earlier.

He said "Have you seen my cocaine?"

I said "Not since he starred in Zulu"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 10, 2019, 12:28 am

Got my first gamblers anonymous class tomorrow at 10/1😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 10, 2019, 12:29 am

Ode to the Spell Checker"

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓👍

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 10, 2019, 5:29 pm

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5." The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the check out, he told the girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the check out for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5." A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the check out he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said...
"Mop and bucket to Checkout 5

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 10, 2019, 10:16 pm

Got my first gamblers anonymous class tomorrow at 10/1😐😳😩🧐🤓🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 11, 2019, 4:42 pm

A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 11, 2019, 5:39 pm

---- IT, LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE!!!
I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your will power!
*
I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "poles and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
*
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.”
I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually."
*
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"
*
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him,“What's wrong?”
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus,"the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”
The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”
*
Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !
*
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
*
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus, and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"
*
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."
*
I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.
*
A woman has a medical at the doctors. “You are grossly overweight,” he says.
“I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. “OK. You're bloody ugly as well.”
That should more or less cover everyone......

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 13, 2019, 6:13 am

After boarding a plane at Southampton, I took my seat and as I settled in, I glanced up and saw a beautiful woman boarding the plane.
I soon realized she was heading straight towards my seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washed over me. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside me.
Eager to strike up a conversation, I blurted out, "Business trip or holiday?".
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Marbella," she stated.
Whoa!! I gulped and was instantly crazed with excitement, I live near there, and here's the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to me and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain my outward cool, calmly asked "What's your business role... at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," says I, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."
Suddenly, the woman became very embarrassed and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".
"Tonto", I replied, confidently extending my hand ... "Tonto Papadopoulos."

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