Consolidated Jokes

[UdonExpat]

HOT COFFEE and Grand Kids
I was eating breakfast with my teenage granddaughter and I asked her,
"What special day is it tomorrow?”
Without skipping a beat she said, "It's U.S. Congressman's Day.”
She's smart, so I asked her "What does that mean?" I was not ready
for what she was about to say.
She replied, " U.S. Congressman's Day is when they step out of the
Capitol Building and see their shadow, and we have four more years of
Bull ****.”
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

[vidmaster]

85 year old man sitting on the couch with his wife and the wife says to him why don’t you sit closer to me?
so he moves closer to her
She then says why don’t you put your arm around me like you used to?
So he puts his arm around her
She then says why don’t you nibble on my ear like you used to?
So he gets up and she asks him where are you going?
he turns around and says to get my teeth

[vidmaster]

Couldn’t happen in LoS

[747man]

Turns out the Canary Islands do not have canaries.

Same thing with the Virgin Islands. No canaries.

[747man]

Thai woman marries American man but she cannot speak English and he almost cannot speak Thai. Somehow they make arrangement she will join English speaking class which is known for being highly effective for Thai people. The very next day the Thai wife is sitting at home after her first class. The American husband walks in and suddenly his wife says without an accent:

– Hi, darling! Welcome home.

– Hi, sweetheart! Oh, that’s a miracle! I am really glad you can now speak English! I did not expect you would learn it so fast!

– Yes, I am really happy too. How was your day, darling?

– Well, I am really tired!

– Okay… Rest in peace!

[dunroaming]

Are you sure this should be in the joke page not real life stories 555

[747man]

Are you sure this should be in the joke page not real life stories 555

55555555555555555 !!!

[vidmaster]

Earlier in the year Winston lost an ear in an accident and so the doctors made a replacement from a pigs ear
They made it look as normal as possible the same size as his other ear
They said that he would need to return after a month for a check up and make sure everything was working properly
He returns after a month and after the check up the doctor said everything seems to be working fine
Just as he was about to leave he turns to the doctor and said I keep getting this funny noise in my ear, so you know what it is
And the doctor said it’s probably just some crackling

[stattointhailand]

might need an explanation for our Colonial cousins vidmaster

Much like Ricky Gervais had to dumb down "The Office"

[AlexO]

Theresa May is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Theresa in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur.......
"You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving; go and tell the farmer," says Theresa.
Five hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you?" asks Theresa.
The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks Theresa.
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them....
"I'm Theresa May's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

[vidmaster]

Barry the builder was going through a house
he had just built, with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colours to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said, "This room to be a light blue."
The builder went to the front door and yelled out "Green side up" As he went back she said the next room was to be red. The builder again went to the front door and called out "Green side up". Once back with her, she said "This one to be tan." And again he went to the front door and yelled "Green side up." The lady, very curious, said "I keep telling you different colours but you always yell "Green side up”.” "What do you say that for?"
"Oh, don't you worry about that," said the builder, "I've got a couple of Artillery lads laying the turf out front.

[747man]

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile….. somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I’ve Reached Safety!

Date: 21st July, 2004

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I’ve just reached safety and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was…!

[vidmaster]

Saw my mate walking down the street the other day pulling a cabbage on a lead
I stopped him and asked why he was pulling a cabbage on the lead
He looked down and said oh no the grocer told me it was a collie

[747man]

[vidmaster]

Recipe for the perfect marriage (the husbands viewpoint)

Twice a week we can go to a lovely restaurant for a nice romantic meal.
I go on Tuesdays and the wife goes on Thursdays🧐

We also sleep in separate beds
Mine is in Norfolk and the wife’s is in Devon

I asked my wife where she would like to go for her birthday
She said she would like to go somewhere that she has not been for a very long time
So I took her to the kitchen

My wife has lots of electric gadgets , breadmaker, toaster blender but she is always complaining that there is no where to sit in the kitchen
So I bought her an electric chair

Last week she bought a mud pack and look great for three days,until the mud fell off🧐

Don’t forget marriage is the number one cause of divorce

I definitely married Miss Right but the problem was and I didn’t know her first name was Always🧐

Last fight we had was definitely my fault
The wife asked what was on TV and I said dust

[747man]

As Christmas approaches, spare a thought for that fat fella in red who puts a shift in once a year.

Merry Christmas, Romelu Lukaku.

[747man]

[747man]

My next door neighbour knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee

Asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then winked at me and asked to come in for a cup of coffee, I said “Fu*k off Dave “

[747man]

[747man]

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the rake?”

She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?”

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, “What?” The man repeats his gestures, mouthing “EYE KNEE – THE RAKE.”



The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.

Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, “What in the heck was that?”

She replies, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”