Consolidated Jokes

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 28, 2018, 9:54 am

An elderly Italian man went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

“Father … During World War II a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that!”

“There is more to tell, Father… she started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said, “By doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. However, I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“When should I tell her the war is over?”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 30, 2018, 12:58 am

BREAKING NEWS !!!!

The French government have announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro-Disney. The decision comes a day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside Paris, caused soldiers at the nearby French army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by bluejets » October 30, 2018, 7:07 am

Brother went to a new doctor for his annual checkup.
Doctor asked "how often do you drink alcohol?"
Brother replied "once or twice a year."

Doctor asked " and when did you migrate to Australia?"

(true story)

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 5, 2018, 4:11 pm

A husband, admiring his naked body in the mirror, says to his wife, "Look at that, fourteen stone of pure dynamite!"

His wife replies, "****** shame about the two inch fuse!"

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 8, 2018, 7:11 pm

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 9, 2018, 10:57 am

DrcA9nDX4AAGDn-.jpg

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » November 9, 2018, 5:08 pm

Police officer jumps into his car and calls the station to say he has an interest case
A wife has just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she has just mopped
The station sergeant asks if the officer has arrested her yet The officer says no because the floor is still wet😳😩🧐🤣

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 13, 2018, 6:11 pm

Four-year old Johnny was curious about her mother’s grey hairs. One day, he asked
her, “Mommy, why is some of your hair turning grey?”

The mother seized the opportunity to give him a life lesson. She replied, “You see, Johnny, every time a baby does something naughty, one of Mommy’s hair strand turns to grey.”

Johnny replied, “So that’s why grandmother has a head full of grey hair.”

AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » November 16, 2018, 11:25 am

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!””What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.”What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!””What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”

“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?””I used a different rooster,” he replied.

The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » November 17, 2018, 8:45 am

BREAKING NEWS

Police in Liverpool today pulled over a scouser and were amazed to find the car taxed tested and insured.

It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found.

The driver was sober.

He had a full licence and no points.

A police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » November 17, 2018, 1:04 pm

A man falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets badly sunburned thighs and shins
fortunately the life guard spots him and calls an ambulance and he is taken to hospital after being examined the doctor prescribes cream’s,painkillers and Viagra
The nurse appointed to look after him looks puzzled and asks the doctor why he prescribed Viagra
The doctor said it will help keep the sheets off his legs
😳😉🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👍

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 18, 2018, 4:54 pm

AlexO wrote:
November 17, 2018, 8:45 am
BREAKING NEWS

Police in Liverpool today pulled over a scouser and were amazed to find the car taxed tested and insured.

It wasn't stolen and there was no stolen goods or drugs found.

The driver was sober.

He had a full licence and no points.

A police spokesman said they had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time.
Ha ! Ha ! That's Funny................NOT !!

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by dunroaming » November 18, 2018, 8:07 pm

Don't worry 747man obviously fake news! No way they found nothing wrong lol

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » November 19, 2018, 7:02 am

What is the difference between love and marriage
Love is blind and
marriage is an eye open😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩😩

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » November 19, 2018, 9:41 am

A man and a woman meet in an elevator heading down. Both had important meetings today.

“Where are you heading?” The man asked the woman.

“To the blood bank to donate some blood,” she said proudly. The man smirked. “How much do you get paid?”

“About $20,” she replied. “What about you?”

“I’m heading to the sperm bank. They give me $100 for donations there!” He replied with a grin. The woman frowned as they reached the bottom floor.

The following day, the two met again at the same elevator.

“Where to this time?” The man asked. The woman smiled but didn’t open her mouth.

“Shfrm Bnk!” The woman replied with her mouth full.

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