Consolidated Joke Thread

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 4, 2018, 9:59 am

Me: Say “I am a man” after everything I say.

Friend: Alright.

Me: You broke up with your girlfriend.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You decided to get drunk.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You went to the bar.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You found a hot chick there.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You invited her to your house and she said yes.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: You both came into your room and had sex.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: Next morning you wake up.

Friend: I am a man.

Me: And she says…

Friend: I am a man.



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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 4, 2018, 6:46 pm

What’s your name?”, asked the teacher.
“Mohammad,” he replied.
“You’re in Ireland now,” replied the teacher, “So from now on you will be known as Mike.
” Mohammad returned home after school.
“How was your day, Mohammad?”, his mother asked.
“My name is not Mohammad. I’m in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
“Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!”
And his mother beat the **** out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the **** out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
“What happened to you, Mike?”, she asked.
“Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f***g Arabs.”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 5, 2018, 10:02 am

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he gave his wife a magic dildo before he left. The reason it was called a magic dildo was because no matter where the wife was all she would have to do is say, “magic dildo” and then the place she wanted the magic dildo to be and it would appear there.

Well a week after her husband left the wife decided to give the magic dildo a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, “magic dildo, vagina.” Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied the wife. The wife was very excited about her magic dildo and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theater, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure.

One day on her way to work the wife hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildo. The wife was feeling really confident and called out “magic dildo, vagina.” She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out that car was a cop.

The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs.

“Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!” The wife tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the wife what she was on. The wife told him “Officer I’m not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildo and its causing me to loose control!”

The officer, not buying it, simply replied “Magic dildo, my ass.”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 5, 2018, 2:33 pm

What do you call a man with 11 pricks?

Jose.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 6, 2018, 11:53 am

3 girls on a plane that's going to crash, the american puts on her makeup "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!'' she said. French girl opens her bra, "Rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!''The african removes her knickers and says "**** off, they always look for the black box first!"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 6, 2018, 12:01 pm

An Indian walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the barman, "Me want coffee".

The barman says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the barman, "Me want coffee". The barman says "Whoa, Tonto. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for executive management job. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the sh*t, and disappear for the rest of the day."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 7, 2018, 2:19 am

A woman bought a new £100,000 Jaguar and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station.
She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer. Once there, she found her salesman and began, rather excitedly, to explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to speak aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a Dolly Parton song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock 'n' roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers.
Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few streets from her house, another driver shot through a red light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily shouted, "Arsehole!"
The radio immediately tuned in to a party political broadcast from Jeremy Corbyn.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 8, 2018, 6:33 pm

I'm 35 and my wife is 19...

My parents in law keep calling me a ***.

They even had to ruin our 10th anniversary...

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 8, 2018, 6:54 pm

My young fella is wearing a Liverpool shirt as part of a science experiment for school.
He’s already been punched spat at and kicked.
Fu*k knows what’s going to happen when he leaves the house

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 8, 2018, 7:39 pm

I told my Mum that I was going to live on my own.

"Great," she replied.

"Your bags are on the drive," I told her.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 9, 2018, 4:00 am

My daughter just walked into the living room and said:

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.

Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother".

Well, she didn't put it quite like that... She actually said...

"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 9, 2018, 7:39 pm

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "Where were you...?
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing"...?
"We were studying"...
After picking a snack off the table the son says, "These fishcakes are lovely"...
Dad replies, "Wash your hands son; they're ******* donuts"...

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 9, 2018, 9:25 pm

Two young women friends, a blonde and a brunette, went to town on a Saturday afternoon. They spent their time looking at shoes and handbags when suddenly the brunette remarked "Oh! my God no"....the blonde looked at her pal and asked "Whatever's the matter?"....The brunette replied "I've just seen my boyfriend"...the blonde asked" Well, don't you like your boyfriend?"....the brunette replied "Of course I do but he's buying me flowers"....The blonde said "I wish someone would buy me flowers you should think yourself lucky".....The brunette replied..."Oh! I like the flowers, but now he'll expect me to go home, strip off and lie on the bed with my legs in the air"...The blonde looked quizzically at her pal and said...."Why, haven't you got a vase?"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Faraday » October 9, 2018, 9:39 pm

Keep 'em coming Alex, pmsl !!

:mrgreen: =D>

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 10, 2018, 7:25 am

My wife left me... and I don't understand.
After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping, the receipt included £45 for make-up. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that make-up for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I said to her, "Jeezo , that's what the beer was for!".......

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 10, 2018, 12:09 pm

My wife was seductively showing off her new sexy lingerie and said to me with a wink "What would you like to do with my body now big boy?"

In hindsight "Identify it" probably wasn't what she wanted to hear..

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 10, 2018, 12:10 pm

My wife turned to me and asked me seriously; where I wanted to be buried......"Balls deep in your sister" was probably the wrong answer.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 11, 2018, 12:22 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 12, 2018, 12:47 pm

43705681_1953979271305625_7823926457498861568_n.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 12, 2018, 6:35 pm

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