Consolidated Jokes

General Udon Thani topics only!
Post Reply
User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 476
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 7, 2018, 2:19 am

A woman bought a new £100,000 Jaguar and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station.
She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer. Once there, she found her salesman and began, rather excitedly, to explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to speak aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a Dolly Parton song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock 'n' roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers.
Quite pleased, the woman continued driving. A few streets from her house, another driver shot through a red light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily shouted, "Arsehole!"
The radio immediately tuned in to a party political broadcast from Jeremy Corbyn.



User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9975
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 8, 2018, 6:33 pm

I'm 35 and my wife is 19...

My parents in law keep calling me a ***.

They even had to ruin our 10th anniversary...

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9975
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 8, 2018, 6:54 pm

My young fella is wearing a Liverpool shirt as part of a science experiment for school.
He’s already been punched spat at and kicked.
Fu*k knows what’s going to happen when he leaves the house

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9975
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 8, 2018, 7:39 pm

I told my Mum that I was going to live on my own.

"Great," she replied.

"Your bags are on the drive," I told her.

User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 476
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 9, 2018, 4:00 am

My daughter just walked into the living room and said:

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.

Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother".

Well, she didn't put it quite like that... She actually said...

"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 476
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 9, 2018, 7:39 pm

A boy comes home from school at 7pm, His dad says "Where were you...?
"I was with Jessica." He replied.
"What were you doing"...?
"We were studying"...
After picking a snack off the table the son says, "These fishcakes are lovely"...
Dad replies, "Wash your hands son; they're fecking donuts"...

User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 476
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 9, 2018, 9:25 pm

Two young women friends, a blonde and a brunette, went to town on a Saturday afternoon. They spent their time looking at shoes and handbags when suddenly the brunette remarked "Oh! my God no"....the blonde looked at her pal and asked "Whatever's the matter?"....The brunette replied "I've just seen my boyfriend"...the blonde asked" Well, don't you like your boyfriend?"....the brunette replied "Of course I do but he's buying me flowers"....The blonde said "I wish someone would buy me flowers you should think yourself lucky".....The brunette replied..."Oh! I like the flowers, but now he'll expect me to go home, strip off and lie on the bed with my legs in the air"...The blonde looked quizzically at her pal and said...."Why, haven't you got a vase?"

User avatar
Faraday
udonmap.com
Posts: 492
Joined: December 4, 2015, 10:53 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Faraday » October 9, 2018, 9:39 pm

Keep 'em coming Alex, pmsl !!

:mrgreen: =D>

User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 476
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 10, 2018, 7:25 am

My wife left me... and I don't understand.
After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping, the receipt included £45 for make-up. I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that make-up for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I said to her, "Jeezo , that's what the beer was for!".......

User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 476
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 10, 2018, 12:09 pm

My wife was seductively showing off her new sexy lingerie and said to me with a wink "What would you like to do with my body now big boy?"

In hindsight "Identify it" probably wasn't what she wanted to hear..

User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 476
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 10, 2018, 12:10 pm

My wife turned to me and asked me seriously; where I wanted to be buried......"Balls deep in your sister" was probably the wrong answer.

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9975
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 11, 2018, 12:22 pm

43568016_1033884190104545_5831640722595381248_n.png

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9975
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 12, 2018, 12:47 pm

43705681_1953979271305625_7823926457498861568_n.jpg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9975
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 12, 2018, 6:35 pm

43763018_10218038334776216_2830009592635719680_n.jpg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9975
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 12, 2018, 6:39 pm

43273662_10215865744169531_5063506789736120320_n.jpg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9975
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 13, 2018, 11:22 am

43252312_2230768363663318_639179910618808320_n.jpg

User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 476
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 14, 2018, 7:36 am

Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired.....

Charlie, a new retiree-greeter at ASDA just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a sterling job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry and am working on it. Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.“

Seeming puzzled, the manager sat down and went on to comment,
“I know you're retired from the Corp of the Royal Engineers. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually stood to attention and said, Good morning, Sgt Major can I get you a coffee, sir.

User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 476
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 14, 2018, 10:30 am

Diet

A Bloke calls the company and orders their 5 day – 5 kgs weight loss programme.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few kilometres later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kgs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5 day – 10 kgs programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 kgs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day – 25 kgs programme.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous programme.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31 kgs that week. .. ..

ningnong
New Member
Posts: 5
Joined: January 30, 2017, 7:53 am

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by ningnong » October 15, 2018, 10:03 am

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well", said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK", said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!", the doctor said. "Instead of removing half your brain, I've taken your whole brain out".

The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 9975
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 15, 2018, 11:09 am

ningnong wrote:
October 15, 2018, 10:03 am
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well", said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK", said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!", the doctor said. "Instead of removing half your brain, I've taken your whole brain out".

The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
Do Yer mean " NO Wucking Furries,Mate "....... :lol: :lol:

Post Reply

Return to “General Udon Thani Forum”