Consolidated Jokes

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 10, 2018, 12:10 pm

My wife turned to me and asked me seriously; where I wanted to be buried......"Balls deep in your sister" was probably the wrong answer.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 11, 2018, 12:22 pm

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 12, 2018, 12:47 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 12, 2018, 6:35 pm

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 12, 2018, 6:39 pm

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 13, 2018, 11:22 am

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 14, 2018, 7:36 am

Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired.....

Charlie, a new retiree-greeter at ASDA just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a sterling job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry and am working on it. Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.“

Seeming puzzled, the manager sat down and went on to comment,
“I know you're retired from the Corp of the Royal Engineers. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually stood to attention and said, Good morning, Sgt Major can I get you a coffee, sir.

AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 14, 2018, 10:30 am

Diet

A Bloke calls the company and orders their 5 day – 5 kgs weight loss programme.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

The sign reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few kilometres later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kgs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5 day – 10 kgs programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 kgs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day – 25 kgs programme.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous programme.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31 kgs that week. .. ..

ningnong
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by ningnong » October 15, 2018, 10:03 am

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well", said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK", said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!", the doctor said. "Instead of removing half your brain, I've taken your whole brain out".

The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 15, 2018, 11:09 am

ningnong wrote:
October 15, 2018, 10:03 am
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well", said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK", said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!", the doctor said. "Instead of removing half your brain, I've taken your whole brain out".

The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
Do Yer mean " NO Wucking Furries,Mate "....... :lol: :lol:

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 15, 2018, 11:27 am

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Rocking Tim
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Rocking Tim » October 15, 2018, 2:08 pm

OIL
to make olive oil you grind & hammer the olives to a pulp & then extract the juice.
to make corn oil you grind & hammer the corn to a pulp & then extract the juice.
to make vegetable oil you grind & hammer the vegetables to a pulp & the extract the juice.
So, how do you make baby oil ???

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 15, 2018, 10:23 pm

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » October 16, 2018, 6:33 pm

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?’ To which he responded: ‘I found the remote.’…

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » October 17, 2018, 8:36 pm

Had a mare of a day so far

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion

Apparently “****** large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer

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