Consolidated Jokes

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » September 13, 2018, 11:16 am

A man walked into a bar and ordered a twelve-year-old scotch. Believing that the customer would not be able to tell the difference, the bartender poured him a shot of cheap three-year-old house scotch.

The man took a sip before spitting it out on the bar. “I’m not drinking this!” he complained. “This is cheap three-year-old scotch. Now give me the good twelve-year-old scotch that I asked for!”

Still looking to cut corners, the bartender poured him a shot of a moderate six-year-old scotch.

The man took a sip before once again spitting it out on the bar. “This is just a six-year-old scotch,” he moaned. “I’m not paying for this! Now will you give me the twelve-year-old scotch I ordered?”

The bartender finally relented, and served the man his best quality twelve-year-old scotch.

The entire episode had been witnessed by an old drunk at the other end of the bar. He now walked up to the selective scotch drinker, put a glass down in front of him and asked: “What do you think of this?”

The scotch expert took a sip of the golden liquid and spat it out violently on the bar. “That’s disgusting!” he said. “It tastes like piss!”

“It is,” replied the old drunk. “Now tell me how old I am.”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tinpeeba » September 13, 2018, 2:34 pm

The Pope is working a crossword puzzle. Fills in something, looks at it funny and turns to an Archbishop. Pope: “What’s a four-letter term for a female ending in U-N-T?” Archbishop horrified and then relieved: “Umm, oh! Aunt!” Pope: “Ahh. Got an eraser?”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » September 13, 2018, 2:45 pm


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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » September 13, 2018, 6:12 pm

Dm-EPgMXcAAK8N4.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » September 13, 2018, 7:53 pm

41656749_1018273878332243_4288886038920691712_n.jpg

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » September 13, 2018, 8:13 pm

Dm-fy3jXgAEsRDD.jpg

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TAXIfor7/11
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by TAXIfor7/11 » September 14, 2018, 8:06 am

14238229_1103104233131065_3483632935595576801_n.jpg

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » September 14, 2018, 12:00 pm

A bird was flying south for the winter, but had left it too late to set off and found itself frozen solid in a blizzard. It dropped to earth in a field of cows, landing in a massive cow pat, just as it was being deposited by the fattest cow in the field. At first, the bird was disgusted until it realized that the pile of poop was actually thawing him out. As the ice melted and his feathers returned to normal, he tweeted joyously, but the sounds were heard by a nearby cat who promptly crept over and ate the bird.

There are three morals to this story:

1. Not everyone who gets you into **** is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.

3. If you are in ****, keep your mouth shut...............Enough Said !!

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » September 15, 2018, 10:56 am

2 pieces of tarmac are in the pub discussing who's tougher. "Im way 'arder than you!" Says the first.
"I'm from the M25, think how much stuff goes over me every day."
"Oh get real," says the other,
"I'm from the roughest parts of the inner cities me, as well as lorries and buses over me, I also get petrol bombs and gunshots!!"
Just then a red piece of tarmac walks in.
The M25 piece looks worried.
"Oh S**t, don't tangle with him." He says.
"Why not?" asks the M3 bit.
The M25 piece replies
"Because

(wait for it)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He's a cyclepath!!!"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » September 15, 2018, 12:25 pm

Bumped into an old school friend earlier, he couldn’t wait to tell me about his high powered job, massive house and top of the range sports car, then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said
“Isn’t she beautiful?”
Me.” If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”
Him. “ Why is she a stunner ?”
Me. “ No mate, she’s an optician “

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » September 15, 2018, 1:40 pm

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment,self-expression and male bonding.

tinpeeba
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tinpeeba » September 15, 2018, 2:34 pm

Putin on bus.jpg
"If you don't stop asking me if we are nearly there yet, I will turn this bus round; and none of you will get to see Salisbury cathedral. Do you hear me?"

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » September 15, 2018, 5:53 pm

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » September 16, 2018, 2:03 pm

You know the Premier League is back when you have a full kit Kopite, with boots and shinnys in front of you at Asda asking for two AA batteries for his remote.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » September 16, 2018, 6:18 pm

100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned...

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