An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."
The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"
The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."
Consolidated Joke Thread
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sometimewoodworker
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 3404
- Joined: October 7, 2008, 11:19 am
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Jerome and Nui's new househttp://bit.ly/NJnewHouse
In my posts all fees and requirements are the standard R&R but TIT and a brown envelope can make incredible changes YMMV.
In my posts all fees and requirements are the standard R&R but TIT and a brown envelope can make incredible changes YMMV.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A police officer came across a terrible road accident where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he gazed at the wreckage, a little monkey emerged from the trees and started hopping around the crashed car.
“Gee,” said the officer scratching his head and looking down at the monkey, “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.
“You mean you can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again the monkey nodded furiously.
“Well, did you see this accident?” asked the officer.
The monkey motioned in the affirmative.
“What happened?” said the officer.
The monkey mimed a drinking action.
“They were drinking?”
The monkey nodded his head.
“What else?” continued the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together, held them to his mouth and rolled his eyes.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
The monkey nodded.
“Anything else?” asked the officer.
The monkey mimed a kiss.
“They were kissing too?”
The monkey nodded his head.
“So,” said the officer, “you’re saying they were drinking, smoking and kissing before they crashed the car?”
The monkey nodded.
“And what were you doing while all this was going on?”
“Driving,” mimed the monkey.
“Gee,” said the officer scratching his head and looking down at the monkey, “I wish you could talk.”
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.
“You mean you can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.
Again the monkey nodded furiously.
“Well, did you see this accident?” asked the officer.
The monkey motioned in the affirmative.
“What happened?” said the officer.
The monkey mimed a drinking action.
“They were drinking?”
The monkey nodded his head.
“What else?” continued the officer.
The monkey pinched his fingers together, held them to his mouth and rolled his eyes.
“They were smoking marijuana?”
The monkey nodded.
“Anything else?” asked the officer.
The monkey mimed a kiss.
“They were kissing too?”
The monkey nodded his head.
“So,” said the officer, “you’re saying they were drinking, smoking and kissing before they crashed the car?”
The monkey nodded.
“And what were you doing while all this was going on?”
“Driving,” mimed the monkey.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
My wife came into the lounge and asked why our two year old son was crying.
"He kicked me in the balls," I snarled.
"It's not his fault," she said, "he doesn't understand that it hurts."
"He Fooking does now," I replied.
"He kicked me in the balls," I snarled.
"It's not his fault," she said, "he doesn't understand that it hurts."
"He Fooking does now," I replied.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Heard about the new James Bond viagra?
Helps men Roger Moore
🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪
Helps men Roger Moore
🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪Re: Consolidated Jokes
A group of marines were out running when they saw a girl about to jump off the Humber Bridge . So they stopped to see if they could help rescue her.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 33, stops with his buddies, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Policeman who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his marine buddies, the onlookers, and even the Policeman, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 33, stops with his buddies, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Policeman who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his marine buddies, the onlookers, and even the Policeman, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day.
Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
And at the end of it all I drank eight beers."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, I'm just nonsense at playing golf.!
I described a typical day.
Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
And at the end of it all I drank eight beers."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, I'm just nonsense at playing golf.!
Re: Consolidated Jokes
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. .
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. .
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!
Re: Consolidated Jokes
The Taliban are heading through a set of hills one warm evening and as they approach a hill a lone voice can suddenly be heard from the other side of it. "1 Sapper is better than 20 Taliban fighters!" the voice says. The Taliban commander is incensed at this and orders 20 of his best fighters over the hill into the darkness. There is gunfire heard and none return. The voice in the darkness shouts again. "1 Sapper is far better than 200 Taliban!"
The Taliban commander is enraged and orders now 200 of his bearded followers up the hill. Bang, crack, flashes, the sound of battle rages and then again silence and none return. The taliban leader is astounded and again the lone voice sings out once more. "1 Sapper is greater than 2000 Taliban fighters!" The Taliban Commander now is so angry he kicks the earth and rages to his second in command “Get 2000 ready NOW and send them to kill that British bastard!” he shouts.
2000 of his men are rounded up and sent forward. Yet again gun fire is heard, grenade explosions and screams of agony ring out across the night air. After a couple of hours of noise the final cracks die out and the night falls silent. Then 1 seriously wounded Taliban fighter staggers back over the hill from the darkness to his waiting commander, his clothing torn, burnt and bloody. His commander somewhat perplexed asks him what happened. The Taliban fighter falls at his commanders feet and in his dying breath says; "The lying barsteward, there are 2 of them!"
The Taliban commander is enraged and orders now 200 of his bearded followers up the hill. Bang, crack, flashes, the sound of battle rages and then again silence and none return. The taliban leader is astounded and again the lone voice sings out once more. "1 Sapper is greater than 2000 Taliban fighters!" The Taliban Commander now is so angry he kicks the earth and rages to his second in command “Get 2000 ready NOW and send them to kill that British bastard!” he shouts.
2000 of his men are rounded up and sent forward. Yet again gun fire is heard, grenade explosions and screams of agony ring out across the night air. After a couple of hours of noise the final cracks die out and the night falls silent. Then 1 seriously wounded Taliban fighter staggers back over the hill from the darkness to his waiting commander, his clothing torn, burnt and bloody. His commander somewhat perplexed asks him what happened. The Taliban fighter falls at his commanders feet and in his dying breath says; "The lying barsteward, there are 2 of them!"
Re: Consolidated Jokes
"I love you lots, snuggles." the girlfriend announced earlier.
"And I love you tons." I replied.
"Oh, I see." she said, in a huff. "You've got no nickname for me, then?"
Sometimes I swear the fat bitch is going deaf....
"And I love you tons." I replied.
"Oh, I see." she said, in a huff. "You've got no nickname for me, then?"
Sometimes I swear the fat bitch is going deaf....
Re: Consolidated Jokes
THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Sorry gents, did not realise the word describing a Lady of the Night beginning with P was censored. Kind of spoils the joke.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Led a very sheltered life Vince, have never laughed at this kind of joke before. Thought it would be appreciated by our American cousins who now find Bennie Hill funny.
Still think Hill St. Blues was one of the best to come out of the US. Wrong thread I know, but WTF.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
Lots of truth in this one. Lots of Paddy's out there.
Re: Consolidated Jokes
5 surgeons discussing who is easiest to operate on.
The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a
few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!
The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a
few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!