Consolidated Jokes

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » August 8, 2018, 8:44 pm

"I love you lots, snuggles." the girlfriend announced earlier.

"And I love you tons." I replied.

"Oh, I see." she said, in a huff. "You've got no nickname for me, then?"

Sometimes I swear the fat bitch is going deaf....

AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » August 9, 2018, 4:54 pm

THE IRISH *******

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a *******.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A *******, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !

AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » August 9, 2018, 4:58 pm

Sorry gents, did not realise the word describing a Lady of the Night beginning with P was censored. Kind of spoils the joke.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » August 9, 2018, 6:09 pm

AlexO wrote:
August 9, 2018, 4:58 pm
Sorry gents, did not realise the word describing a Lady of the Night beginning with P was censored. Kind of spoils the joke.
It's A VERY Old one though In'It ??

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » August 9, 2018, 6:32 pm

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AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » August 9, 2018, 9:45 pm

747man wrote:
August 9, 2018, 6:09 pm
AlexO wrote:
August 9, 2018, 4:58 pm
Sorry gents, did not realise the word describing a Lady of the Night beginning with P was censored. Kind of spoils the joke.
It's A VERY Old one though In'It ??
Led a very sheltered life Vince, have never laughed at this kind of joke before. Thought it would be appreciated by our American cousins who now find Bennie Hill funny.
Still think Hill St. Blues was one of the best to come out of the US. Wrong thread I know, but WTF.

JMT42
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by JMT42 » August 10, 2018, 6:11 am

Lots of truth in this one. Lots of Paddy's out there.

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » August 10, 2018, 2:18 pm

38632600_2166690860022050_7849635410178211840_n.jpg

AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » August 10, 2018, 5:51 pm

5 surgeons discussing who is easiest to operate on.

The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a
few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!

tinpeeba
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by tinpeeba » August 10, 2018, 6:40 pm

Lady Gaga clothes donation.jpg

AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » August 11, 2018, 2:08 pm

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served? They look like Spanish oysters!'
The waiter replied, 'Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are not oysters... they are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A rare delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. Tomorrow, if you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins and the man loses !'

AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » August 11, 2018, 2:12 pm

The trainee air force pilot was on leave, regaling his mates with tales of his 'experiences'. He was telling them about his parachute training. 'So there we were up at 1000 feet and it came to my turn to jump. I looked out and couldn't do it. Then the big, hairy sergeant in charge said to me 'I've got 9 inches of throbbing meat in my trousers. If you don't jump I'm going to ram it taters deep in your arse.!'
'Well did you jump then?' asked one.
'Well, I did a bit at first..........'

AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » August 11, 2018, 2:21 pm

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.'
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years....you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

AlexO
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » August 11, 2018, 3:44 pm

A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Welshman had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

Fear Rua
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Fear Rua » August 11, 2018, 7:34 pm

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island...

He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...

One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular *** life.

But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...

She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...

"Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?"

"yes" she said "anything!"

"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"

"ok..."
"now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"

"wha... ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly.

"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"

She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat.

"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"

"ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.

"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited...

She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been f**kíng for the past 6 months!"

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