Consolidated Joke Thread

Post your thoughts here if you are not sure where to post it!
bluejets
udonmap.com
Posts: 631
Joined: March 17, 2008, 10:05 am
Location: Australia

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by bluejets » April 13, 2018, 1:31 pm

Public boys school burns down so they are all ushered off to the local Catholic school.
Young nun walks in and catches them in a competition peeing up the wall in the toilets.
She then reports to the Mother Superior who asks " and what did you do"?
Young nun reports " I hit the roof".
Mother says" that's the way, don't let those public school mob put anything over on us".

bluejets
udonmap.com
Posts: 631
Joined: March 17, 2008, 10:05 am
Location: Australia

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by bluejets » April 13, 2018, 1:38 pm

Randy and Mandy are from the poorest part of town and decide for a change to go window shopping late on Saturday night.
Mandy sees a hat in the first shop and says" wow, I'd really like to get that hat".
So Randy picks up a rock and hurls it through the window and says" there ya go Mandy".

Next shop, same thing only a purse this time.

Next shop is a beaut necklace to which Mandy says" .......hang on hang on " says Randy " what ...do you think I'm made of rocks"?

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 7959
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 14, 2018, 3:59 pm

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian, He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian , every single time."
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "nah, Not Brian, He was a terrific athlete, He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis, He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian , he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian .."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian.
He died.

“I'm married to his widow."

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 7959
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » April 16, 2018, 2:28 pm

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

Post Reply

Return to “Open Forum”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest