Consolidated Joke Thread

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Lionheart
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Lionheart » March 23, 2017, 8:22 am

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » March 23, 2017, 9:01 am

Dan and Brandon were playing a spectacular new golf course built on very scenic terrain — cliffsides and gulleys and ravines.
They reached the 6th hole, where Dan sliced a ball into a thickly wooded, deep ravine. Dan was determined not to take a penalty stroke, so he grabbed his 8-iron and descended into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush was terribly thick and tearing at Dan’s clothes. The sunlight was dimmed by all the overhanging branches and vines. Dan kept searching, and finally spotted something shiny down below.
As he neared the object, he realized it wasn’t a ball, but a golf club. Dan took a closer look only to discover that it was an 8-iron – and it was in the hands of a human skeleton lying near an old golf ball!
Dan yelled out to his partner. “Hey Brandon, get over here, I got trouble down here!”
Brandon hurried over to the edge of the ravine and yelled down, “What’s the matter, Dan?”
Dan replied, “Can you bring me my 7-iron? You can’t get out of this stuff with an 8.”

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trekkertony
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More quintessential Aussie humour

Post by trekkertony » March 28, 2017, 6:01 pm

Wazza, we have had a bad week with the Swannies losing against Port, so thought you may need an injection of Aussie humour re the cyclone off Qld.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_ ... 7391773265

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trekkertony
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Re: More quintessential Aussie humour

Post by trekkertony » March 28, 2017, 6:08 pm

False start, here it is

https://youtu.be/mWm2G6sG5-4

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Barney
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Re: More quintessential Aussie humour

Post by Barney » March 28, 2017, 6:27 pm

https://www.facebook.com/garytvcom/vide ... 554459490/

Swans going home to mum after the first game.

Looks like a swan but then again you don't have to have a long neck...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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maaka
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Re: More quintessential Aussie humour

Post by maaka » March 29, 2017, 8:06 am


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wazza
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Re: More quintessential Aussie humour

Post by wazza » March 29, 2017, 8:12 am

Shades of last year.... but still got to the GF

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Barney
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Barney » May 18, 2017, 3:01 pm

Brilliant in its simplicity.....
A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C. In three generations, there will be no Greens.

Such an unfair world:-
When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Wife to husband: You told me you'd spend your whole life trying to make me happy.
Husband to wife: I didn't expect to live this long!

As I grow older.... My mind doesn't just wander... Sometimes it buggers off completely.

As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everybody is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Isn't it weird that in Australia our flag and culture offends so many people, yet our benefits don’t.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Lionheart » May 18, 2017, 6:41 pm

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on their holidays


They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses.


The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and t he scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them .............They couldn't help but stare.



As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits..

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'



She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'

Lionheart
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Lionheart » May 18, 2017, 6:42 pm

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Blowthat" says Mick, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin. 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

Lionheart
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Lionheart » May 18, 2017, 6:43 pm

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
'You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need. A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see, Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see, Size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 18, 2017, 9:02 pm

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for many years.

When his dog sadly died, Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying: "Father Patrick, my dog is dead. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer: "No, we can't have services for an animal in church. But I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and - no telling what they believe in - maybe they'll do something for your pet."

Muldoon said: "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough of a donation for the service?"

"Oh, why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic??"

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Mex
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Mex » May 29, 2017, 10:36 pm

A wealthy Texan walks into a small pub in Ireland. He slaps down $500 on the bar and announces, “I got 500 American dollars here, for any of you fellers who can drink ten pints of Guinness in a row”.

Nobody says anything. Everybody looks away, or looks at the floor. One guy leaves.

The Texan orders a drink and starts chatting with the locals. About 5 or 10 minutes later, the guy who left earlier returns. Small, skinny guy. He shyly taps on the Texan’s shoulder and asks him, “Pardon me, sir…but does your offer still stand?”

The Texan stands up and slaps him on the shoulder. “It sure does…set ’em up, Joe!” The bartender expertly pours and sets up ten pints in a row of foaming Guinness. The little guy walks down the line and knocks back every one of them pretty briskly, barely slowing down through the ninth and tenth. He stands there smiling and burps once.

“Well, here’s your money, Seamus!” says the Texan. “But I gotta ask you, where’d you disappear to there for a while?”

“Well, I had to nip over to the other pub…to make sure I could do it.”
If it looks good..and smells good..go for it..

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 30, 2017, 11:12 am

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 30, 2017, 11:13 am

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