On the Campaign Trail...
Donald and Hillary go into a bakery while on the campaign trail. As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?”
Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket….”
Consolidated Joke Thread
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Brian Davis
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 2426
- Joined: January 26, 2008, 8:14 pm
- Location: Phen (Udon Thani Province)
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Son said to dad “I'm gay.”
Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
Other son said “Me too dad.”
Dad said “doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”
The daughter said “I do…”
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are paedophiles you can piss off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “and take this deaf bastard with you.”
In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate, did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”
My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you, he is in prison.
The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my pubics and you know what that means don't you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement! That's when I thought “Hang on just a minute…”
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
Other son said “Me too dad.”
Dad said “doesn't anyone in this family like pussy?”
The daughter said “I do…”
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are paedophiles you can piss off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “and take this deaf bastard with you.”
In the pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said “Sorry mate, did he drown?”
“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”
My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you, he is in prison.
The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my pubics and you know what that means don't you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement! That's when I thought “Hang on just a minute…”
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”
He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”
“Not really.” he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Q: Whats the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral?
A: There's one less drunk.
A: There's one less drunk.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'
Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'
Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A woman dies and goes to Heaven and finds herself just outside the Pearly Gates. As she peers inside, she sees people she knew from her live on Earth really enjoying themselves, laughing and really having fun. Just then, St Peter comes along and she asks him, “Is this Heaven, how can I get enter the gates?” And, St Peter says, “Yes, this is Heaven. All you have to do is spell one word for me and you may enter”.
“What word?” she asks, “Please tell me”
“Spell LOVE” replied St Peter “and you may enter”.
Relieved, she spells the word and St Peter opens the gates and lets her through.
After she had been in Heaven for some time, the woman was comfortable and happy, but she still missed her dear husband back on Earth. As an extra Job, she asked St Peter if she could help him “meet and greet” the newcomers to Heaven, which he agreed to.
Imagine her surprise one day when she saw her dear husband at the gate.
“Darling” she says, “I thought I would never see you, what have you been doing with yourself, have you been so lonely without me?”
“I have been quite busy, after you died I was lonely, and, as I had been quite attracted to the cute nurse that saw you through your last days, we started going out. I married her, and the very next week I won the Lottery, so I gave up work, bought a mansion, have travelled all over the world many times. We were on holiday on the Greek Islands, and I was water ski-ing, when my ski came came off and hit me on the head, so I have ended up here. It looks lovely here, is it easy to get in?”
“Oh yes,” says his wife “All you have to do is spell one word correctly.
So the husband, excitedly says “What is the word?”
and his wife replied, “Czechoslovakia”
“What word?” she asks, “Please tell me”
“Spell LOVE” replied St Peter “and you may enter”.
Relieved, she spells the word and St Peter opens the gates and lets her through.
After she had been in Heaven for some time, the woman was comfortable and happy, but she still missed her dear husband back on Earth. As an extra Job, she asked St Peter if she could help him “meet and greet” the newcomers to Heaven, which he agreed to.
Imagine her surprise one day when she saw her dear husband at the gate.
“Darling” she says, “I thought I would never see you, what have you been doing with yourself, have you been so lonely without me?”
“I have been quite busy, after you died I was lonely, and, as I had been quite attracted to the cute nurse that saw you through your last days, we started going out. I married her, and the very next week I won the Lottery, so I gave up work, bought a mansion, have travelled all over the world many times. We were on holiday on the Greek Islands, and I was water ski-ing, when my ski came came off and hit me on the head, so I have ended up here. It looks lovely here, is it easy to get in?”
“Oh yes,” says his wife “All you have to do is spell one word correctly.
So the husband, excitedly says “What is the word?”
and his wife replied, “Czechoslovakia”
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Mate! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says"about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks"how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says,"this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!" :-"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says"about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks"how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says,"this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!" :-"
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein
Albert Einstein
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A young man named Bill was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice ......
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at Bill,
who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
Bill responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? .... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
Bill whispered to her:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people”.
The girl replied in a loud voice ......
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the people in the library started staring at Bill,
who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"
Bill responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? .... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
Bill whispered to her:
"I study law, and I know how to screw people”.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Ah Nuts...
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said,
" So why are you here? "
The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do? "
" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked " Why are you here? "
The Yellow Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
but I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
" So what are they going to do to you? " the Black Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?”
The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said,
" So why are you here? "
The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do? "
" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked " Why are you here? "
The Yellow Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
but I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."
" So what are they going to do to you? " the Black Lab inquired.
" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?”
The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
G R E A T DANE =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>
GreatDane born free taxed into slavery
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Man Down In Aisle 5!
A husband and wife were shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picked up a case of beer and put it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asked his wife.
"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans," he replied.
"Put them back! We can't afford them!" she demanded.
They carried on shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picked up a $49.95 jar of rejuvenating face cream and put it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asked her husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she replied.
Her husband retorted, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."
That's him, there in Aisle 5.
A husband and wife were shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picked up a case of beer and put it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asked his wife.
"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans," he replied.
"Put them back! We can't afford them!" she demanded.
They carried on shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picked up a $49.95 jar of rejuvenating face cream and put it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asked her husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she replied.
Her husband retorted, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."
That's him, there in Aisle 5.
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
Two blondes are filling up at a petrol station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful fuel prices are going to go even higher."
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."
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One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of trousers for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
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Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
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A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
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A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.
The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
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Blonde Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."
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One day, Jill's husband came home from the office and found her sobbing convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I bought an extra pair of trousers for that suit."
"Yes, and it's lucky for you that you did," said Jill, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her blonde friend from next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover. "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
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A blonde bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested that she cut off the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail. Our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the two horses apart.
The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blonde Interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.
He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with any person, living or dead, who would that be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I !arted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your a!se."
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your a!se."
If it looks good..and smells good..go for it..
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
It's my wifes birthday today, so I'm taking her out tonight to that place where you can drink as much as you like for £3
The swimming baths
The swimming baths
Re: Consolidated Joke Thread
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."