Consolidated Joke Thread

[AlexO]

The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed
middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the
woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so
rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was
under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his
place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to
have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong
hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you
seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

[vidmaster]

This any good?

[vidmaster]

A man died and met St Peter at the Gates of Heaven, who explained, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you - we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad.
We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs.
So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip.
Well, I pulled the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive said St Peter "when did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,”

[AlexO]

This guy brings his best buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work:
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a ******* mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my ******* pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the **** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
He replied. "Because he's thinking of getting married."

[stattointhailand]

My gran phoned last night and seemed quite distressed, seems that she had spent two days going all over town trying to by some muslims .......... god knows what gramps will say when he doesn't get his steamed steak & kidney pud this week

[Drunk Monkey]

The man who invented predictive text has died.

His funfairs next monkey. May he rust in piss.

Cant beat a good chortle in the morning ,, Despite being an Emerton fan , the strange accent , lilac shorts and rather tainted profession...... i love your contributions on this thread young Alan .

Just confirms as i thought .. searching for all the crackers you post ..YOU GOT TOO MUCH SPARE TIME ON YER HANDS

DM

[747man]

YOU GOT TOO MUCH SPARE TIME ON YER HANDS...........Yeah Jon, GIZZA A JOB !!!

[stattointhailand]

St Peter, St Paul & JC were having a round of golf
at the first par 3 St Peter hits a 6 iron which bounces on the fringe and trickles a few inches onto the green
St Paul tees off next and his shot lands softly on the green and runs to within 5 feet of the pin where it stops
JC plays his shot with his 7 iron and it lands just short of the green, takes three bounces and trickles to within an inch of the pin ......... at that moment a rabbit runs out of the rough behind the green grabs JC's ball and runs through the trees and into the clearing beyond, as he gets into the open a hawk sees him swoops down and grabs him, taking him 50 feet, 100 feet 200 feet into the air, at which time the rabbit lets go of the ball, it lands back on the green and drops into the hole to which JC looked skywards and yells "FFS Dad were trying to play for money"

[747man]

PADDY'S LAST WILL -
Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."

"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."

"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."

"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?”, his wife replies. “The fu*ker had a window cleaning round."

[stattointhailand]

New crime programme on Newcastle TV .......... CS Y I

We've had Soft Brexit
We've had Hard Brexit
So now we're gonna try Readybreksit

[TJ]

[stattointhailand]

[747man]

[AlexO]

Walking down the street, a labour Member of Parliament is hit by a lorry and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter. He says, "
'Welcome to heaven. Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see anyone in such a high office around here, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'Just let me in,' says the politician.
'Well, I'd like to but I have instructions from above. You'll have to spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven, then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' replies St Peter
With that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he went down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, a very nice, friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They're having such a good time that before he realises, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave as the lift rises...
The door opens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to show you around, Heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to Hell.
When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and refuse.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more garbage falls fro loopm above.
The Devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the MP, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning...
Today you voted.

[AlexO]

I started my new job today.
My boss handed me a fiver and said, "First things first, I need you to go down to the shops and buy me a glass hammer, a skirting board ladder and a bubble for a spirit level."
I laughed and said, "Do you really think I'm that bloody stupid?"
"What do you mean ?" He sniggered.
I said, "That lot is going to cost more than a bloody fiver."

[TAXIfor7/11]

[747man]

Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.

In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.

The camel's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK then, just bring me the dead camel.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead camel!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.

I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead camel?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.

I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.

So I gave him his $2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank.

But yesterday Paddy got an offer to work for the Prime Minister as a Financial Planner

[747man]

Outside Bristol Zoo there is a carpark for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, it’s parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were £1.40 for cars and £7 for buses.

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the carpark was the Zoo’s own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy … is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day — for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 5 million pounds … and no one even knows his name.

Haha.. brilliant!!

[747man]

[747man]

My son is taking part in a social experiment.
He has to wear a Liverpool top for 2 weeks to see how people will react.
So far he has been spat at, punched and verbally abused.

It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.