Consolidated Joke Thread

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jackspratt
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by jackspratt » December 27, 2021, 3:58 pm

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Earnest
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Earnest » December 27, 2021, 5:54 pm

Yeah, I don't associate you with comedy, Jack. I'm always thinking that I'm about to disappoint you because I don't quite measure up, which leads to my anxiety when I read your responses to my posts.
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by jackspratt » December 27, 2021, 7:17 pm

Put your anxiety to bed, Earnie. :D

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » December 27, 2021, 8:32 pm

I think thats the Sydney morning telegraph (1942 edition)

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » December 30, 2021, 6:16 pm

Two Irishmen in a pub
Paddy says to Mick, "your feet smell"
Mick says "what can I do about it?"
Paddy says "put a clean pair of socks on every day"

By the end of the week Mick couldn't get his shoes on

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Mjkt » January 5, 2022, 4:56 pm

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vidmaster
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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » January 11, 2022, 8:20 pm

Andy get out clause?
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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » January 12, 2022, 2:54 pm

Back in the days of tanners and bobs,
When Mothers had patience and Fathers had jobs.
When football team families wore hand me down shoes,
And T.V gave only two channels to chose.
Back in the days of three penny bits,
when schools employed nurses to search for your nits.
When snowballs were harmless; ice slides were permitted
and all of your jumpers were warm and hand knitted.
Back in the days of hot ginger beers,
when children remained so for more than six years.
When children respected what older folks said,
and pot was a thing you kept under your bed.
Back in the days of Listen with Mother,
when neighbours were friendly and talked to each other.
When cars were so rare you could play in the street.
When Doctors made house calls; Police walked the beat.
Back in the days of Milligan's Goons,
when butter was butter and songs all had tunes.
It was dumplings for dinner and trifle for tea,
and your annual break was a day by the sea.
Back in the days of Dixon's Dock Green,
Crackerjack pens and Lyons ice cream.
When children could freely wear National Health glasses,
and teachers all stood at the FRONT of their classes
Back in the days of rocking and reeling,
when mobiles were things that you hung from the ceiling.
When woodwork and pottery got taught in schools,
and everyone dreamed of a win on the pools.
Back in the days when I was a lad,
I can't help but smile for the fun that I had.
Hopscotch and roller skates; snowballs to lob.
Back in the days of tanners and bobs.

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by BillaRickaDickay » January 12, 2022, 5:46 pm

Did you make that up Mr Stats?

Too close for comfort.

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He's got his little y-fronts and he's got his little vest, Chaz Jankel, 1998. Mash it up Harry.

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » January 12, 2022, 6:07 pm

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair ...... Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the 3rd mans turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the guy, wiping the sweat from his brow.
'Ye bassa´s, this gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to kill her with the chair!

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » January 12, 2022, 6:07 pm

Nah I'm no poet........ at least I know it

Lifted it from a mates facebook, who unfortunately did not list the author

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747man
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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 12, 2022, 6:10 pm

HERE’S ONE FOR THE GIRLS……………………….. Why is a man like a floor tile ? …….

If you lay it right first time you can walk over it for the rest of your bloody life

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by BillaRickaDickay » January 12, 2022, 6:19 pm

I can relate to that, I can do Pro's, but poetry? bottom of the class
He's got his little y-fronts and he's got his little vest, Chaz Jankel, 1998. Mash it up Harry.

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by stattointhailand » January 12, 2022, 6:56 pm

Most people are quite good at doing Pro's ........... for many thats the primary reason to be in Thailand :lol:

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by jackspratt » January 12, 2022, 6:59 pm

I CBF reading the lot - did they mention black & white televisions, and 45 records?

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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by Earnest » January 13, 2022, 2:08 am

747man wrote:
January 12, 2022, 6:10 pm
HERE’S ONE FOR THE GIRLS……………………….. Why is a man like a floor tile ? …….

If you lay it right first time you can walk over it for the rest of your bloody life
555, yes, good one, Alan! Is it one from the Christmas cracker? :-k
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Re: Cosolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » January 13, 2022, 10:38 am

Earnest wrote:
January 13, 2022, 2:08 am
747man wrote:
January 12, 2022, 6:10 pm
HERE’S ONE FOR THE GIRLS……………………….. Why is a man like a floor tile ? …….

If you lay it right first time you can walk over it for the rest of your bloody life
555, yes, good one, Alan! Is it one from the Christmas cracker? :-k
Yes Fawn, But they were EXPENSIVE M&S Crackers.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » January 13, 2022, 7:36 pm

Just caught my jerk in my zip and it doesn't half hurt Loudly crying face

No more zip up boots for me!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » January 13, 2022, 7:52 pm

Just stop w*nkin' in yer steel toecaps

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by jackspratt » January 13, 2022, 7:56 pm

747man wrote:
January 13, 2022, 7:36 pm
Just caught my jerk in my zip and it doesn't half hurt Loudly crying face

No more zip up boots for me!
Alan's latest footwear. :yikes:
Jumbo boots.jpg
Unfortunately, not available in lilac.

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