Consolidated Joke Thread

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » March 11, 2023, 3:03 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 11, 2023, 3:08 pm

stattointhailand wrote:
March 11, 2023, 3:03 pm
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So WHERE is the Joke ?? I Think your in the wrong thread !!!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » March 11, 2023, 3:17 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 12, 2023, 10:55 am

@Dezzer111 going round the
M25 in a Ford Focus, lorry in front of him, bib, bib, bib, and flashing his lights for nine miles.
The lorry driver pulls over and asks "have you got a problem?"
"Sir, I've been following you and trying to stop you for nine miles, you're losing your load.
"He said, "I'm f*#individual gritting. "

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 12, 2023, 12:00 pm

Irish fella going round the
M25 in a Ford Focus, lorry in front of him, bib, bib, bib, and flashing his lights for nine miles.
The lorry driver pulls over and asks "have you got a problem?"
"Sir, I've been following you and trying to stop you for nine miles, you're losing your load.
"He said, "I'm Fook*ng gritting. "
Last edited by 747man on March 13, 2023, 3:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 12, 2023, 4:31 pm

My son got sent home from school the teacher said to him if I give you £20 and you give £5 to Mary £5 to Jill £5.to Ann what you got ?? 3blow job's and enough for a pizza on the way home wasn't the answer she was looking for

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 13, 2023, 6:39 pm

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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » March 13, 2023, 11:13 pm

What the hell happens to the front legs ...........I said it was risky raising these chickens on batteries
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 13, 2023, 11:19 pm

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.
As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"
"I won First Place!," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see another sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering" said Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"I won first place too." answers Superman. "Did you ever have a doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a third sign: "Contest - Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio quickly enters the contest. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Meghan Markle ?" asked Pinocchio.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 14, 2023, 11:00 am

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt, and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
“I’d like some raisin bread please,” the man says.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is “having company for dinner.”
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what’s going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder “why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?”
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,
Is it raisin for you too?” “No,” stammers the old man, “but it’s quivering a little.” 555 !

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 14, 2023, 12:42 pm

The other day my neighbour, who is BLONDE, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! She said, "I have some really great news! I'm pregnant!!!"
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said "Well, I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 14, 2023, 12:51 pm

Here Yer Go Statts,Just remember the 3 Golden Rules.......555 !!
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 14, 2023, 4:12 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 14, 2023, 7:11 pm

Translate Please Mr Tam.......


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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » March 15, 2023, 3:53 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 15, 2023, 4:12 pm

Dis is a cracker for our TEFAL (Oirish ) Friend.....555 !!

Irish maths test
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
The Irishman is now head of Qantas!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » March 15, 2023, 4:53 pm

Thank you Mr Jones (year 2 maths teacher) your boring as hell lesson has finally been useful 56 years later

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 15, 2023, 7:22 pm

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Al, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles one day. Sid asks Al, "Do you know of any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Al asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know, Senor, I ask the cooks."
He returns from the kitchen a few minutes later and says, "No, Senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Al isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos,' replies, "I check once again, Senor."
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook say there is no Mexican Jews."
Al asks, "Are you certain? I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews."
The exasperated waiter says, "Senor, I ask EVERYONE... All we have is Orange Jews, Grapefruit Jews, Prune Jews, Apple Jews, and Tomato Jews!"🙂

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » March 16, 2023, 7:56 pm

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
The boy says, “I have a golf ball. Want to buy it?”
The man says, “No, thanks.”
The boys says, “My dad's outside.”
The man says, “OK, how much?”
The boy says, “$250.”
The man forks over the money. The boy says, “I have a sand wedge.”
The man says, “How much?”
The boy says, “$750.”
The man says, “Sold.”
A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, “Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some practice. The boy says, “I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge, Dad.”
The father says, “What? How much did you sell them for?”
The boy says, “$1,000.”
The father says, “That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church, and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don't start that ---- with me again. You're in my closet now!”
Bet you didn't see that coming!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by samster » March 17, 2023, 5:41 am

Were they having it away in the boys bedroom or does he keep his sand wedge in his parents closet? My OCD again.

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