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747man
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Post by 747man » January 23, 2016, 9:06 pm

ME: "I'm starting to think most conversations in Tweets are made up"

SWEDISH GLAMOUR MODEL: "Me too, you handsome genius"



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Post by 747man » January 23, 2016, 9:08 pm

What do you call a Russian who authorises deadly substances in hot beverages?

Slipitin Hisdrinkski

Just kidding, it's Putin.

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Post by socksy » January 24, 2016, 7:01 am

THE AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has had no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room. Naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, “but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by socksy » January 24, 2016, 7:01 am

THE AUSTRALIAN VIRGIN

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has had no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room. Naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, “but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
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Post by socksy » January 24, 2016, 7:13 am

Maybe I have the same problem. It's a duplicate post despite me only posting it once.
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by socksy » January 24, 2016, 7:15 am

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbour was on vacation.
She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
As she was drifting off to sleep, that night, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, unable to disengage.
Unable to separate them, and even though it was very late, she called her vet, who answered with a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it on the floor alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and they will be able to separate."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied. :roll:
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Post by Lionheart » January 24, 2016, 8:25 am

"The Brothel"

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie (near Glasgow ) and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her solicitor
She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being shafted by a solicitor!

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Post by Drunk Monkey » January 29, 2016, 11:10 am

I was walking past the mental hospital on Phosri road the other day.

All the patients were shouting, 'sip sarm .. sip sarm ....sip sarm '

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so
I looked through to see what was going on.

Some crazy bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting, ' sip see ...sip see ...sip see.'
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!

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Post by Lionheart » January 29, 2016, 11:18 am

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'

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Post by socksy » January 31, 2016, 7:28 am

SCRABBLE
Attachments
tshirt.jpg
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by socksy » January 31, 2016, 7:28 am

SCRABBLE
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
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Post by boes » February 3, 2016, 11:12 am

Hey Jimbo went to a Wickham Terrace Specialist in Brisbane, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist Assistant.

Now Jimbo knows full well that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender,

and of course he was verrry interested, so he went in and asked the Secretary for further details..

She retrieved the file and read to Jimbo: "This position entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist.

You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down...and carefully washing their private parts,

applying shaving foam to the said parts and removing all unwanted foliage......

finally you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination...



Then she told Jimbo:" the annual salary is $65,000 and if you're interested you will have to go to Gympie."



"My goodness!..exclaimed Jimbo I'm very experienced in all facets of that work description and in fact in some areas I could be considered overtrained...

"So is Gympie where the job is?" asked Jimbo somewhat excitedly...

The Secretary answered, " No, that's where the end of the queue is sir.........."........

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Post by boes » February 3, 2016, 11:14 am

I couldn't help but overhear two blokes in their mid twenties, while sitting at the local bar last night.

One of the young Bucks says to his mate: Mannn you look real tired."

His buddy says, Mannn am I exhausted...my girlfriend and I have sex all the time..she is sooooo demanding.

She's after me 3 or 4 times a day....I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about 70, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young bucks and with the wisdom only years can bring.....says



"Marry her.......That'll put a stop to all that shatt!".....
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein

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Post by 747man » February 3, 2016, 8:02 pm

I was terrible at spelling when I was at school.

Brilliant at jografy though.

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Post by Drunk Monkey » February 6, 2016, 9:35 am

INGENIOUS spotted in a refugee camp in Grimesby ....the all new BBLoo and drinks chiller ..hope they cleaned it out first.

Image
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!

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Post by socksy » February 6, 2016, 9:40 am

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammer’s Action Group.

She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.

Finally, totally exasperated, in desperation she said: "If any of you can tell me where you were born,
without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache
and your eyes water."

Harry immediately piped up: "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Harry" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"

MacTavish raised his hand and blurted out: "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".

“That's no better either, Hamish.

Now, how about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5, clenched both fists at his sides and
eventually blurted out:. . . . . “London ".

“Absolutely Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally hot and steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said:

...

...


..."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
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Post by boes » February 6, 2016, 10:07 pm

Subject: VERY DISTURBING REVELATION

Sexual activity for senior males: (where were you born?)

Statistics just released from The United Nations B.O.H. Team, reveal that:
Australian men between 60 and 75 years of age, will, on average, have sex
two to three times per week, (and a small number have it a lot
more) whereas Polish men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex
only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my mates ...
as none of us had any idea that we were Polish.
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein

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Post by Lionheart » February 7, 2016, 5:26 pm

Subject:British Guiana


In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.


After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decreed, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.


"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."


"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympic boxing. I have researched the history of....."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.



Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f**k off."

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Post by Lionheart » February 8, 2016, 8:25 am

Fwd: MY PET ROOSTER
Ian Bentley
12:16 AM
[Keep this message at the top of your inbox]








A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"


THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . .
THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT
AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE..
"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

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Post by socksy » February 8, 2016, 10:10 am

Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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