Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

[747man]

A little ditty I've copied.
The missus bought a Paperback
Down Shepton Mallet way.
I had a look inside her bag
'Twas Fifty Shades Of Grey
Well I just left her to it,
And at 10 I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
for the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I
can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey

[stattointhailand]

That SCREAMS Pam Ayres

[747man]

When I heard the rain this morning, I quickly opened the window and took off all my clothes. The cool of the rain on my skin was fantastic…..
Mind you, the other people on the bus, weren’t too happy..

[747man]

That SCREAMS Pam Ayres

But NOT as Loud as Jamal Kashioggi when he was getting dismembered by The MBS Bone Squad !!

[747man]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time." said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[747man]

[747man]

So funny and just about sums up the media
***My Favourite Joke Of The Day***
A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents:
A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A BBC reporter, Laura Kuenssberg, had watched the whole event.
Laura, addressing the Harley rider says. "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”
The Harley rider replies. "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”
Miss Kuenssberg. "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a BBC journalist, you know and tomorrow's news will run this story. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”
The biker replies. "I'm a British Army veteran, a Conservative and I voted for Brexit.”
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker turns on BBC News to see if it indeed brings news of his actions.
BBC Headline: RIGHT WING UK VETERAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
And THAT pretty much sums up the BBC's approach to the news these days....

[747man]

One for TEFAL.....A Real OIRISH Joke.......

Joke
Mick goes into the barn and finds Paddy stripping off in front of a farm machine.
Mick says," what ya doing Paddy?"
Paddy says," me and the wife ain't been getting on too well so I told my doctor and he said try doing something sexual to attractor."

[747man]

Relax jumbo,your trying too hard and stop calling people by their first names like you know them personally ,its embarrassing

If You are talking about me knowing Earnest Personally.....Well I Do as Steve will Confirm we met almost 20 Years ago in Udon.....So Go & Suck on that !!

[Earnest]

Confirmed, maybe 15.

I don't mind people calling me by my first name on here.

[tamada]

^ So, which member is Paddy and which one's Mick?

And Norman?

[stattointhailand]

I tink Paddy is Fergal and Mick is Mufee, but I might be wrong

Norman's easy dats William before he got famous as the Conkers champion

[Earnest]

^ So, which member is Paddy and which one's Mick?

And Norman?

I've no idea, after all, they're your friends so you tell me.

[tamada]

^ So, which member is Paddy and which one's Mick?

And Norman?

I've no idea, after all, they're your friends so you tell me.

Friends? Me? Alex is my only mate.

[stattointhailand]

Is Alex aware of that?

[747man]

An Oldie,But still a Goldie.....


Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a tenant for their terrace house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.
"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to take a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair. The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he did not believe her.
"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred.
"Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life.
But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference." answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."
"Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

[747man]

Wise nun
2 nuns went to shop at the market. They were taking so long so one said , Sister Mary it is getting dark and we are so far away from the convent. I know Sister Rose but there is a man following us. Oh! What does he want. He wants his wicked way with us. What can we do. Let's separate. You go left and I will go right. He followed Sister Rose. Sister Mary reached the convent and became worried. After an hour Sister Rose appeared. What happed? , I started to run and so did he. And then? He caught up with me. Oh my God. And what did you do. I lifted up my dress Sister! And what did he do. Dropped his pants. And then? Its obvious isn't it. A nun with her dress lifted up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
If you thought of a different ending
Do 180 Hail Marys and 320 Our Fathers and ask God to clean your filthy mind. And Don't send this back to me as I am still praying!!

[Earnest]

Friends? Me? Alex is my only mate.

Oh, you're a silly old sausage, I bet you have lots of pals on this forum.

[747man]

Little Joey goes to Confession.....


"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...