Consolidated Joke Thread

[747man]

[Laan Yaa Mo]

Harpo doesn't need to say a word,



Just click on the 'watch on you tube.

[747man]

Harpo doesn't need to say a word,



Just click on the 'watch on you tube.

No Need for You to Post this, I Bet YOU Saw them LIVE ??

[747man]

...... ....THE PENIS AND THE RAISE.........
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]

......555 ! 555 !

[747man]

[747man]

[jackspratt]

^ Hold on, while I get up off the floor - that one is actually funny, Alan.

I look forward to another - sometime early next year ......

EDIT - I mean the one in the hill billy bar.

The one with the coffee cup appeared later, and is not at all funny.

[747man]

^ Hold on, while I get up off the floor - that one is actually funny, Alan.

I look forward to another - sometime early next year ......

EDIT - I mean the one in the hill billy bar.

The one with the coffee cup appeared later, and is not at all funny.

As Per Nomal Jacko, Go & Get a Sense of Humour from the local Mom & Pop Shop.....

[747man]

[747man]

[747man]

I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, “My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
He said, “We don’t have a Volkswagen Golf in the window.”
I said, “You frigging do now"........555 !!

[747man]

The teacher gave her second year infant class an assignment. Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket! "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah.
Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunty Vanessa. Aunty Vanessa was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the Hell away from Aunty Vanessa when she's been drinking.

[747man]

A largish woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar .
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a woman drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk sailor slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk sailor slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk sailor and said, "Tell me, George, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunken sailor replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[747man]

A hooker brings Jack to her apartment, a penthouse suite in Canary Wharf. Jack asks her if she gives good hand jobs.
"You see this apartment? I bought it by giving good hand jobs."
Jack tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good blow jobs.
"Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good blow jobs."
Jack asks her to give him a blow job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed.
"Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on the river? I could own that if only I had a vagina."

[747man]

385875428_6726482130768054_2435011713870145669_n.jpg (25.75 KiB) Viewed 2289 times

[Wee Jimmy]

Liked that...

[747man]

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.”
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
“And so, here we are!”