Consolidated Joke Thread

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 1, 2016, 3:55 pm

Oh ! Dear..........Two blonds walk into a building.

You would think one of them would have seen it.



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Mex
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Mex » October 4, 2016, 11:39 am

Kim Jung Un had NO military experience whatsoever before Daddy made him a four-star general.  This snot-nosed twerp had never accomplished anything in his life that would even come close to military leadership.   He hadn't even so much as led a Cub Scout troop, coached a sports team, or commanded a military platoon.  So he is made the "Beloved Leader" Of North Korea. 

Guess who else did the same thing?

They took a community organizer, who had never worn a uniform, never ran so much as an ice-cream stand, and made him Commander-in-Chief.  A guy, who had never had a real job, worked on a budget, or led anything more than an ACORN demonstration, and  made him "Beloved Leader". Twice!!!!!

So if you think North Koreans are stupid...
If it looks good..and smells good..go for it..

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » October 4, 2016, 2:13 pm

You have to feel a bit sorry for the "American public", don't you .......

Everywhere else in the world that has had an old woman stand for the top job, there has been a passable alternative available, but the yanks only other option is to vote for Hilary Clinton :-"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Liam Dale » October 4, 2016, 2:34 pm

stattointhailand wrote:You have to feel a bit sorry for the "American public", don't you .......

Everywhere else in the world that has had an old woman stand for the top job, there has been a passable alternative available, but the yanks only other option is to vote for Hilary Clinton :-"
Or you could vote for the sniffling, narcissistic, self serving, trump blowing, heap of self deluded blubber with a ginger minger on his head.. THAT would be TREMENDOUS.. and he'd be VERY PROUD of that..

Personally I'd settle for the lawyer over the bullshiter sales blob. Lesser of two weevils.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 4, 2016, 2:45 pm

14495367_1776729199282040_3316659990357235969_n.jpg
14495367_1776729199282040_3316659990357235969_n.jpg (32.25 KiB) Viewed 1595 times

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 4, 2016, 2:47 pm

14449918_1776683629286597_8308207497281292091_n.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 4, 2016, 3:00 pm

14591762_1776828335938793_2259675545440228209_n.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 4, 2016, 3:01 pm

14494732_1776709335950693_5925793058947376974_n.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 4, 2016, 3:05 pm

14264977_1768542216767405_7443794203043508384_n.jpg
This is for the other Silly FLUCKER !!! :D :D

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by BobHelm » October 5, 2016, 9:19 am

Tom Mabe is a funny (in my opinion) American comedian.
Here is his way of dealing with unsolicited phone calls trying to sell you something...


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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Barney » October 5, 2016, 7:46 pm

drinking.JPG

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 6, 2016, 6:58 pm

I've just been arrested on a plane going on hols I spot my ole mate from school so I shouted out HI JACK

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by old timer » October 6, 2016, 7:47 pm

747man wrote:I've just been arrested on a plane going on hols I spot my ole mate from school so I shouted out HI JACK
Was it your old mate Jackspratt ?
Glad you got arrested.

OT................ \:D/

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » October 6, 2016, 7:51 pm

old timer wrote:
747man wrote:I've just been arrested on a plane going on hols I spot my ole mate from school so I shouted out HI JACK
Was it your old mate Jackspratt ?
Glad you got arrested.

OT................ \:D/
No It Was'nt & I Did'nt You Clown it's in the Joke Thread :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by papafarang » October 7, 2016, 1:11 pm

been working on DIY skills. what do you recon
Image
Hansa village clubhouse . Tel 0981657001 https://www.google.co.th/maps/place/Han ... 5851?hl=en

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by joepai » October 7, 2016, 4:29 pm

Subject: A Message from The Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
I was born with nothing and still have most of it left

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » October 7, 2016, 5:09 pm

'ang on Joepai, can we 'av a referendum on that .......... I think the "don't let them back" vote will get a landslide victory ...... if we play our cards right we can see the back of Treesare Green sorry May at the same time :-"

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Re: Three Dogs

Post by Biplanebluey » October 8, 2016, 2:48 pm

Blacky,browny and whitey meet up at the Vets.The conversation goes -----------
Blacky---what you here for?
Whitey---I dig holes everywhere,but I dug a hole in my Master's favourite chair,he sent me here to have my nuts off to calm me down.
Whitey---What you here for?
Blacky---I pee everywhere but I pee'd on my man's Bed and I am here to have my nuts off too
Whitey turns to Browny---What are you here for?
Browny ---I love humping and I saw my mistress in the shower and she bent over to get the soap and I made a grab at her.
Whitey--- OH so you are to have your nuts off too????
Browny---NO,I'm here to have my toenails clipped

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Lionheart » October 15, 2016, 8:11 am

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by tamada » October 15, 2016, 11:34 am

And this just in...

Pfizer have also released Viagra in the form of eye drops. It's aimed at the growing market of men who just want to look hard.

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