Consolidated Joke Thread

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Drunk Monkey
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Drunk Monkey » June 7, 2023, 2:31 pm

747man wrote:
June 6, 2023, 10:32 pm
347401281_768207821460677_2146238278309459062_n.jpg
Good one Alan :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » June 7, 2023, 2:45 pm

747man wrote:
June 7, 2023, 11:10 am
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a Paper shop to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into Morrison’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this same burning question.
The girl responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at Morrisons.
are you suffering from Alzheimer's ? How many more times with the same joke?

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 7, 2023, 5:15 pm

stattointhailand wrote:
June 7, 2023, 2:45 pm
747man wrote:
June 7, 2023, 11:10 am
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a Paper shop to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into Morrison’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this same burning question.
The girl responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.
It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at Morrisons.
are you suffering from Alzheimer's ? How many more times with the same joke?
Errr NO, & Shut Yer Gob !!

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 7, 2023, 5:18 pm

347403188_248811251077855_687983646494935870_n.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 7, 2023, 7:54 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by jackspratt » June 7, 2023, 8:59 pm

stattointhailand wrote:
June 7, 2023, 2:45 pm

are you suffering from Alzheimer's ? How many more times with the same joke?
I thought I had reported you for plagiarism statts - but I can't find the post, so apparently I didn't. :D

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » June 7, 2023, 9:23 pm

plagiarism ? that sounds painful ...... did I enjoy it?

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 8, 2023, 11:47 am

555 ! Gotcha Grandpa......
349781884_1417261392461976_4646703410256918714_n.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 9, 2023, 11:18 am

347389969_209281892007784_5086108621584743181_n.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 9, 2023, 11:23 am

A Little bit Naughty !!
347256434_224607480361290_8251667668544400352_n.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by noosard » June 9, 2023, 4:19 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Whistler » June 9, 2023, 4:36 pm

noosard wrote:
June 9, 2023, 4:19 pm
350927612_207137301731132_4343232695797213639_n.jpg
I would be interested in seeing that $1000 note since the largest denomination in Australia is $100.
I had a bumper sticker in Texas that read 'Beam me up Scotty'. I often wish I could find one in Udon Thani

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 9, 2023, 6:29 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 10, 2023, 10:48 am

353062821_993276295163423_5656656837763620628_n.jpg
:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Whistler » June 10, 2023, 11:30 am

747man wrote:
June 9, 2023, 6:29 pm
347416659_992900695200983_94359984416419005_n.jpg
Judge to defendant 'You have been accused of necrophilia, how do you plead'?

Defendant 'Not Guilty your Honour, I thought she was English'
I had a bumper sticker in Texas that read 'Beam me up Scotty'. I often wish I could find one in Udon Thani

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 10, 2023, 5:47 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 10, 2023, 7:51 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 10, 2023, 8:10 pm

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samster
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by samster » June 11, 2023, 9:09 am

Please save them for the EPL thread 747.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 11, 2023, 11:18 am

samster wrote:
June 11, 2023, 9:09 am
Please save them for the EPL thread 747.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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