Consolidated Joke Thread

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » September 5, 2022, 6:50 pm

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!



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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » September 6, 2022, 11:18 am

To the lone woman with the 3 screaming kids in the Morrisons store yesterday (Sunday) morning, if you're wondering how the pack of condoms got into your trolley...
You're welcome...

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » September 10, 2022, 11:50 am

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Earnest » September 10, 2022, 5:36 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » September 11, 2022, 6:21 pm

A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,
"I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying,
" Have a good day, Sir "...

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » September 12, 2022, 3:02 pm

Oooopppsss !!

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a gun shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off." The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » September 12, 2022, 3:11 pm

Oh Dear.....

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a gun shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off." The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » September 12, 2022, 3:20 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by jackspratt » September 12, 2022, 8:37 pm

747man wrote:
September 12, 2022, 3:02 pm
Oooopppsss !!

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a gun shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."
......
I guess you really liked this one, 474. 8)

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » September 14, 2022, 11:57 am

Definition Of Bravery: Coming home drunk covered in lipstick, smelling of perfume, then slapping the wife on the arse and saying, "You're Next Fatty"...

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » September 15, 2022, 4:21 pm

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum and tenderly stroke your belly.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off, whilst seductively stroking your belly.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » September 15, 2022, 4:46 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » September 15, 2022, 4:48 pm

555 ! 555 !....
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » September 16, 2022, 11:58 am

Female teacher asking young students in the classroom
“Name something that eats a lot?”
Mary raises her hand.
“Yes, Mary.” Asks the teacher.
“An elephant” Mary says.
“Very good Mary. An elephant can eat 130 kilograms of food a day.”
Little Johnny enthusiastically raises his hand.
“Yes, Johnny.” Asks the teacher.
“A vibrator.” says Johnny.
The embarrassed teacher asks “What Johnny?”
“A vibrator Miss. I heard my Mum tell her friend that her vibrator eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » September 16, 2022, 3:25 pm

True Dat.......
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » September 24, 2022, 7:23 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » September 24, 2022, 8:19 pm

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today. An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink , his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger , the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking , 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said , they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything..
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again , the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No , thank you , we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally , as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin , the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH'. ”😂😂😂😂😂😂😂👍

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » October 10, 2022, 7:38 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » October 10, 2022, 7:46 pm

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » October 10, 2022, 7:56 pm

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