Consolidated Joke Thread

Post your thoughts here if you are not sure where to post it!
Post Reply
User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 2505
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by AlexO » April 18, 2021, 2:25 am

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air and handed it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks.. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a
wonderful time
.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The bloke was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every man you meet?”
“No,” she replies.
( The suspense is killing you, isn't it )
She said .........
"You're just the first man who happened to catch my eye."



User avatar
AlexO
udonmap.com
Posts: 2505
Joined: June 8, 2015, 11:45 am
Location: Nong Lat Udon

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by AlexO » April 18, 2021, 2:31 am

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the old country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

User avatar
Giggle
udonmap.com
Posts: 1895
Joined: October 18, 2016, 4:24 pm
Location: In your head

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Giggle » April 18, 2021, 9:03 am

It's time for the annual school dance, and this boy with a wooden eye is having problems getting a date. After being rejected by multiple girls, he settles on one girl that also has an impaired physical appearance, except she has a deformed top lip of her mouth.

She says yes and when the school dance comes around after a couple of days they go together.

She is not very good at keeping conversation and the boy has always been sort of awkward because people would always make fun of him. Eventually he musters up enough confidence and turns to the girl.

"Would you care to dance?" he says nervously.

She replies ecstatically, "WOULD I?"

The guy yells back "HAIR LIP!"
Ashli Babbitt -- SAY HER NAME!

User avatar
Udon Map
Admin
Posts: 2840
Joined: July 31, 2013, 7:57 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Udon Map » April 18, 2021, 9:14 am

Giggle wrote:
April 18, 2021, 9:03 am
The guy yells back "HAIR LIP!"
Presumably you mean harelip.

User avatar
Giggle
udonmap.com
Posts: 1895
Joined: October 18, 2016, 4:24 pm
Location: In your head

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Giggle » April 18, 2021, 9:17 am

Image

Both
Ashli Babbitt -- SAY HER NAME!

User avatar
Drunk Monkey
udonmap.com
Posts: 10029
Joined: October 14, 2013, 4:39 pm

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Drunk Monkey » April 18, 2021, 9:19 am

Giggle wrote:
April 18, 2021, 9:03 am
It's time for the annual school dance, and this boy with a wooden eye is having problems getting a date. After being rejected by multiple girls, he settles on one girl that also has an impaired physical appearance, except she has a deformed top lip of her mouth.

She says yes and when the school dance comes around after a couple of days they go together.

She is not very good at keeping conversation and the boy has always been sort of awkward because people would always make fun of him. Eventually he musters up enough confidence and turns to the girl.

"Would you care to dance?" he says nervously.

She replies ecstatically, "WOULD I?"

The guy yells back "HAIR LIP!"
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

SICKO SAD JOKE BUT ... LMFHO
Claret n Blue all way thru .. Up the Iron
L2 Season 19/20 Codheads 0 Scunny 1 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2qrsItFUug
8 minutes is the point of lift off !!!!!!!

User avatar
tamada
udonmap.com
Posts: 17220
Joined: February 21, 2007, 4:03 am
Location: Down two...then left

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by tamada » April 18, 2021, 11:10 am

745c610.png

User avatar
stattointhailand
udonmap.com
Posts: 19114
Joined: October 25, 2007, 11:34 pm
Location: Oiling the locks on my gun case

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » April 18, 2021, 2:50 pm

murphys law of combat.jpg

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 1062
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » April 18, 2021, 4:12 pm

Could happen 🥸🥸🥸🥸🥸
Attachments
1F7A955C-4BD9-4ACD-8FCD-35D7CA77551E.jpeg

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 1062
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » April 18, 2021, 4:16 pm

We’ve all been there🥴🥴🥴🥴
Attachments
89B4C9E4-58FE-4A9D-A783-A24271FF2F45.jpeg
B4EFF401-0589-4B4C-9CB2-16C239E6515D.jpeg
E1686626-B0B4-43B3-9DA1-EF13A86965DA.jpeg

User avatar
Stantheman
udonmap.com
Posts: 1484
Joined: February 9, 2009, 3:33 am
Location: USA (For Now)

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Stantheman » April 18, 2021, 9:02 pm

IMG_20210418_085930.jpg
FB_IMG_1618711432412.jpg

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 1062
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » April 19, 2021, 4:02 pm

Oh yes
Attachments
84BF4EA8-BF2D-47C9-A438-84FBAB14775C.jpeg
EC8F3992-119E-4A96-B427-F05FF005AC25.jpeg

User avatar
Barney
udonmap.com
Posts: 4409
Joined: November 1, 2012, 5:51 am
Location: Outback of Nong Samrong Udon Thani

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Barney » April 19, 2021, 4:11 pm

Image


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 1062
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » April 21, 2021, 12:05 am

Yep!!!
Attachments
BCE6FB53-D261-43FF-B2A5-E7CED49755D4.jpeg
F575C90C-7CA8-44A2-B56F-6755FBF4228F.jpeg
5632F937-19CB-42A1-8699-8EFB5D80B1C6.jpeg

User avatar
kopkei
udonmap.com
Posts: 2226
Joined: August 27, 2010, 6:55 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by kopkei » April 23, 2021, 6:07 am

A Jewish mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
Nooo so what are you doing Sarale?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, " Mama - I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, " Abba - I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
"So Chaim what are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law." ;)

User avatar
kopkei
udonmap.com
Posts: 2226
Joined: August 27, 2010, 6:55 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by kopkei » April 23, 2021, 6:22 am

this morning when it was still half dark my wife went out, to scream waking up half the neighborhood ...
175586184_314515076769882_1561702542214283157_n.jpg
176275301_314515170103206_4374701350117937715_n.jpg
meanwhile the culprit was hiding in the bushes
175725616_314515233436533_8142815100547068129_n.jpg

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 1062
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » April 25, 2021, 4:20 am

Ahhhh
Attachments
7C1C79CF-922D-4E6F-B775-8165DCC97953.jpeg
6AF5746E-745F-4B5A-8EED-3B99828D8D7C.jpeg
59258019-EA4A-42B5-ADAE-E4B662327485.jpeg
53780916-B214-4A2E-9D09-C89A7FC01FC8.jpeg

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 1062
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » April 26, 2021, 4:04 pm

Ahhhhh
Attachments
D6A79BCA-542D-4CCF-B0D4-F3B35A6EA2DC.jpeg
4623850A-508A-4078-BA89-AC07FBCC1FDB.jpeg

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 1062
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » April 28, 2021, 3:31 am

Sorted
Attachments
AB1F9733-174E-4960-B193-4C6F49457F5B.jpeg

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 1062
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » April 30, 2021, 2:59 pm

Well!!!!
Attachments
5AFDCC9B-CDF8-41E1-9571-83D3B9EE5969.jpeg
7C5AAD94-152A-4597-841F-A0982DCD7AFB.jpeg
949F536C-F0D9-4969-A687-E9CAB8D01AC0.jpeg

Post Reply

Return to “Open Forum”