Consolidated Joke Thread

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Lionheart
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Lionheart » May 18, 2017, 6:43 pm

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
'You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need. A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see, Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see, Size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'



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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 18, 2017, 9:02 pm

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for many years.

When his dog sadly died, Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying: "Father Patrick, my dog is dead. Could you possibly say Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer: "No, we can't have services for an animal in church. But I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road, and - no telling what they believe in - maybe they'll do something for your pet."

Muldoon said: "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough of a donation for the service?"

"Oh, why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic??"

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Mex
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Mex » May 29, 2017, 10:36 pm

A wealthy Texan walks into a small pub in Ireland. He slaps down $500 on the bar and announces, “I got 500 American dollars here, for any of you fellers who can drink ten pints of Guinness in a row”.

Nobody says anything. Everybody looks away, or looks at the floor. One guy leaves.

The Texan orders a drink and starts chatting with the locals. About 5 or 10 minutes later, the guy who left earlier returns. Small, skinny guy. He shyly taps on the Texan’s shoulder and asks him, “Pardon me, sir…but does your offer still stand?”

The Texan stands up and slaps him on the shoulder. “It sure does…set ’em up, Joe!” The bartender expertly pours and sets up ten pints in a row of foaming Guinness. The little guy walks down the line and knocks back every one of them pretty briskly, barely slowing down through the ninth and tenth. He stands there smiling and burps once.

“Well, here’s your money, Seamus!” says the Texan. “But I gotta ask you, where’d you disappear to there for a while?”

“Well, I had to nip over to the other pub…to make sure I could do it.”
If it looks good..and smells good..go for it..

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 30, 2017, 11:12 am

C8HLZuQXUAATy5Y.jpg

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 30, 2017, 11:13 am

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 30, 2017, 11:15 am

C4X8uhmXAAAi9_T.jpg

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 30, 2017, 1:16 pm

A fellow is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy cow,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.
You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational!
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssst' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Postman.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.
'When the Postman man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'
'Yes.'
'Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
'I DUNNO. I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'


If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day....

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 30, 2017, 1:17 pm

Murphy says to Paddy,
"What ya talkin into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"


19 Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our
local pet shop and they were £70 !!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him, I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today,
she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead
and realised she was just on standby.


When I was in the pub, I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists.
I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.


Just got back from my mate's funeral.
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Bugger that" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 30, 2017, 2:05 pm

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goodison
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by goodison » May 30, 2017, 3:44 pm

recently, there was a discussion about the cost of entry into Premiership football matches where ticket prices of £60 or £100 per game is not uncommon.

An elderly chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles when the attendant greeted him with:

"That will be ten quid, mate".

"What?" the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"

Without batting an eyelid, the fellow on the turnstile retorted,

"Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you couldn't.”

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » May 30, 2017, 5:35 pm

goodison wrote:recently, there was a discussion about the cost of entry into Premiership football matches where ticket prices of £60 or £100 per game is not uncommon.

An elderly chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles when the attendant greeted him with:

"That will be ten quid, mate".

"What?" the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"

Without batting an eyelid, the fellow on the turnstile retorted,

"Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you couldn't.”
=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>

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747man
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Joke !!!

Post by 747man » June 2, 2017, 12:49 pm

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

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vidmaster
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Re: Joke !!!

Post by vidmaster » June 2, 2017, 10:05 pm

recently, there was a discussion about the cost of entry into Premiership football matches where ticket prices of £60 or £100 per game is not uncommon.

An elderly chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles when the attendant greeted him with:

"That will be ten quid, mate".

"What?" the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"

Without batting an eyelid, the fellow on the turnstile retorted,

"Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you couldn't.”

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747man
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Re: Joke !!!

Post by 747man » June 3, 2017, 7:33 pm

A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide...

Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back?

Marcosteffano
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Re: Joke !!!

Post by Marcosteffano » June 4, 2017, 8:16 am

Englishman,American and Norwegian sat on corner drinking a chang.along comes Jesus.says to the Englishman what's your problem.well Jesus I only get a small amount of money from my government and can't work because of my bad knees and would love to get back to work.jesus leans over and touches his knees,hey presto he jumps up and is healed.jesus then turns to the American,what your problem? Well my hips need replacing and I want to get back to work.jesus does the same and he jumps up and shouts I'm cured,thank you my lord.next he turns to the Norwegian with a bad back and on 70,000b a month,what's your problem son to which he replies don't you bloody touch me.

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » June 4, 2017, 6:33 pm

Man at a funeral asks vicar for free wifi password
Vicar says you know this is your wife's funeral
Man : is that all lowercase and no spaces?

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TAXIfor7/11
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by TAXIfor7/11 » June 5, 2017, 10:48 am

Joe Royle gets a letter delivered to his house ...
Opens it , it's an electricity bill for £17,000 forwarded on from Everton Football Club.
He rings the club "I think there's been a mistake, you sent me a bill but I haven't worked for you for 22 years"

Bill Kenwright says " no Joe sorry there's no mistake, you were the last person in the trophy room in 1995 and you left the lights on"

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » June 5, 2017, 1:28 pm

TAXIfor7/11 wrote:Joe Royle gets a letter delivered to his house ...
Opens it , it's an electricity bill for £17,000 forwarded on from Everton Football Club.
He rings the club "I think there's been a mistake, you sent me a bill but I haven't worked for you for 22 years"

Bill Kenwright says " no Joe sorry there's no mistake, you were the last person in the trophy room in 1995 and you left the lights on"
555 !!! Very Funny.................NOT !!!

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » June 5, 2017, 11:21 pm

After 7 yrs medical school training a friend of mine was struck off for sleeping with one of his patients
I met him in a bar after his hearing and obviously he was devasted & irreconcilable
It's a great shame as he was the best vet we've ever had in our town

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boes
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by boes » June 7, 2017, 2:04 pm

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please

don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came homelate that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

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