Consolidated Joke Thread

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kulsungkham
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by kulsungkham » December 17, 2016, 12:31 pm

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boes
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by boes » December 21, 2016, 11:48 am

Save $1000


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The Female Dog!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
=D>

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by pal52 » December 21, 2016, 2:51 pm

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody
he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each
and made a profit of £998'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Lionheart » December 23, 2016, 8:06 am

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.


Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.


Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.


‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’


He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.


He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.


‘Bi’ Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.


He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.


He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’


He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.


The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’


Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’




‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

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boes
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by boes » December 23, 2016, 10:14 am


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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by boes » December 23, 2016, 11:08 am

A woman was being shown around the local hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh well... in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"
The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, but he’s with BUPA."

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 24, 2016, 9:58 am

A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.
So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is in the pool swimming as fast as he can and when he gets to the other side and jumps out.
The billionaire goes.. "Holy ----, I didn’t think anyone was going to do it, but anyway, you want the money right?" and the guy says "no",
So the billionaire says, "oh, you want my house?" and the guys says "no" and so the billionaire says," what, you want my wife, then?"
But the guys says "hell no"
So the billionaire says "well what the fu%k do you want?"
The guys still trying to catch his breath says, " I want the motherfu&ker who pushed me in the pool”..

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by 747man » December 24, 2016, 1:10 pm

Some girl just got arrested for acting suspiciously on the BTS: she was not looking at her phone.

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » December 25, 2016, 9:18 am

Son said to Dad ''I'm Gay''
Dad looks at his other son and said ''What about you''
Other son said ''Me too Dad''
Dad said doesn't anyone in this family like pussy.
Daughter said ''I do''

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boes
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by boes » December 26, 2016, 3:23 pm

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow..?" :badteeth:

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » December 26, 2016, 4:12 pm

747man wrote:Some girl just got arrested for acting suspiciously on the BTS: she was not looking at her phone.
She got released though ...... the battery was flat :-"

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » December 30, 2016, 12:18 pm

Thousand of Brits felt another massive effect of the Brexit vote during Christmas ................









No Brussells

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boes
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by boes » December 30, 2016, 5:49 pm

Now he knows.....

:shock: Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral. The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed. Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It hurts, doesn't it? :badteeth:

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by boes » December 30, 2016, 6:32 pm

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said, "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » December 31, 2016, 7:38 pm

I went to the new GM Restaurant in Central Plaza today and had a beautiful leg of salmon
Meat just fell of the bone

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » February 1, 2017, 1:43 pm

John Cleese take on the British Crown Dependancy of America

https://www.ezitt.com/_cogink/cleese/

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » February 1, 2017, 2:33 pm

Some men were sitting around the grille, chit-chatting about their games.
“I play golf in the low 80s,” the old man told one of the youngsters at his club.
“Wow,” said the young man, “that’s very impressive.”
“Not really,” said the old man, “Any hotter and I’d probably have a stroke.”

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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Lionheart » February 20, 2017, 8:27 am

Life is all about your perspective they say. See what you think about that after reading this little story



Subject: The Unhappy Golfer..........


A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My nuts itch."

Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to one’s eyes..

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stattointhailand
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by stattointhailand » February 20, 2017, 1:53 pm

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone. He yelled, “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell
phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”

The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.

“Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few
questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!”

He then began his series of questions:

Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.”

Tower: “Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re
traveling at 180 mph?”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me.”

Tower: “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you’re flying upside down?”

Aircraft: “The ---- in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

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vidmaster
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Re: Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by vidmaster » February 21, 2017, 8:21 am

After a game of golf, a lady golfer offered her caddy a ride into town. The caddy thankfully accepted and carried her clubs inside. The lady invited him to stay for lunch and served him a wonderful meal.
She then invited him into the bedroom. He was puzzled but went along out of curiosity. She asked if he wanted to go to bed with her, so he did that too. Later he realized it was time to get back to the course and prepared to leave. The housewife insisted on giving him a dollar before he could go.
This was too much for the poor man, and he asked her ʺLady, what is going on? First, you feed me a delicious meal, and as if that isnʹt enough, you invite me to make love to you, and we have a terrific time together. Now you want to pay me? What is this anyway?ʺ
So she explained proudly, ʺI told my husband I wanted to do something nice for my caddy who has been so faithful and helped me so much this year, so my husband said, ‘Screw the caddy! Give him a dollar!'”
The lady smiled,”But lunch was my idea.”

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