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socksy
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Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by socksy » June 12, 2016, 11:12 am

Wife : Shall I prepare Curry or Soup today?
Husband : First make it, we will name it later

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop :
Dear google, please do not behave like my wife..
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting.

A married man's prayer :
Dear God, You gave me childhood, You took it away
You gave me youth, You took it away.
You gave me a wife ... Its been years now, just reminding You.

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home?"
Husband answers: "Because he's thinking of getting married"

Employee : Sir, You are like a lion in the office! What about at home ???
Boss : I am a lion at home too, But there we have a lion tamer !!!

A couple were having dinner at a fancy restaurant As the food was served, the husband said, "The food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife : honey ... you say prayer before eating at home
Husband : that's at home sweetheart ... here the chef knows how to cook.

Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :
"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed"


Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem

Lionheart
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Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Lionheart » June 14, 2016, 8:32 am

Just like a man!!

Excellent read

ONLY A MAN
WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by harry68 » June 19, 2016, 5:52 am

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

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Post by Lionheart » June 21, 2016, 8:28 am

*THE RUGBY MAN*
>
> *The other day I was in The Courthouse Pub having a quiet
> beer by myself. The door opened and in walked the most
> stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, clear
> blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely
> covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.*
>
> *I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly
> firm breasts were on show. After watching her walk in I
> turned back to my beer, but no sooner had I taken a sip when
> she pulled another bar stool up close to me and sat down.
> She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I
> was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner
> thigh, rubbing it up and down. 'So, does that make you feel
> good ?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued.
> 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'*

> *'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I
> was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public
> School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt
> really good.' I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that
> and I thought she would get up and go, but she took my hand
> off her thigh and pushed it up the front of her top.*

> *Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into
> her pert, perfect breast. 'How do you feel now,' she purred.
> 'OK' I replied. Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact,
> I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!' Unbelievably I
> heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we
> were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the
> match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of
> the field, where I caught it... I ran up field,
> side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a
> couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards,
> chipped the ball over their fullback, re-gathered it and
> scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds
> left until full time. We were still behind by one point, but
> I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match
> and........ ' "Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth,
> more than a bit miffed. She pulled my hand from under her
> top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.*

> *My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft
> cotton !!!! She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby
> Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c**t?' 'I certainly
> have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.*

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Post by boes » June 30, 2016, 10:23 pm

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.


"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

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Post by Lionheart » July 1, 2016, 8:10 am

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? What do you do or say, when an innocent child asks you something so innocent and they are so serious? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative.

JACK (age 3)
Was watching his Mom breastfeeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked, "Mom, why have you got two?
Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5)
Asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember, you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3)
Hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4)
Had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked, "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4)
Was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," She said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4)
Stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost ?"

CLINTON (age 5)
Was in his bedroom looking worried, when his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it ?"

MARC (age 4)
Was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

TAMMY(age 4)
Was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman, her mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't her skin fit her face ?"

JAMES (age 4)
Was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, "The man, named Lot, was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"

( That sermon, I think, this Mom will never forget. )
At this particular Sunday sermon, "Dear Lord," The minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued, but at that moment, my very obedient daughter, who was listening, leaned over to me and asked, quite audibly, in her shrill, little four-year -old-girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust ?"

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Post by harry68 » July 1, 2016, 8:13 am

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past January, and WESTPAC bank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had
Been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the WESTPAC Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

WESTPAC:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

WESTPAC:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been..'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

WESTPAC:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to
The credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

WESTPAC:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you .. . . The part about her
Being dead?'

WESTPAC:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

WESTPAC:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

WESTPAC:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

WESTPAC:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

WESTPAC:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I
Can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
Her. I don't think she will care.'

WESTPAC :
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

WESTPAC:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number
1049.'

WESTPAC:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the f**k do you do with dead people on your planet?'.............

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Post by Lionheart » July 3, 2016, 8:35 am

HOLD YOUR BREATH AND DON'T SAY A WORD UNTIL....

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from
Japan, who had his hand up:

"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!

Who said: 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing. "Let's try one a bit more difficult.

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F--k the Japs."

"Who said that? I want to know right now !" ...she angrily demanded.
Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,

"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ----! If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ----, we are finished."

Little Akio said quietly, " The Americans, 2016, if Trump gets elected.”;

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Post by kulsungkham » July 3, 2016, 3:42 pm

A Whimsical Twist on the Human Condition...

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “NO.”

I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”

He said, “OK.”

This is exactly how politics works . . .

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Post by socksy » July 7, 2016, 8:47 am

The Saint

Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, DC an aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington . He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Obama a saint.


The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Obama's views. Obama's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $10,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Obama as a saint." The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Obama's aide promised, Obama appeared for the Sunday worship and seated himself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Obama was present. The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While President Obama's presence is probably an honor to some, the man is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of his views are contrary to tennants of the Church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Barack Obama is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and
a nit-wit. Barack Obama is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Barack Obama is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. He is a narcissist and is using his speaking ability to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his obligations, both In Washington and in Illinois . The man is simply not to be trusted."


The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Hillary Clinton, Obama is a
Saint."
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem

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Post by socksy » July 8, 2016, 7:31 am

A couple of the Travelling fraternity (the PC coming out in me) :roll: who work at the travelling circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability to adopt.
The couple produces photos of their expensive, 50 foot Prevost motor-home, which is already equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor to travel with us who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny/housekeeper is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age and sex of child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as it fits in the cannon."
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem

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Post by boes » July 8, 2016, 9:46 pm

Just like a man!!

ONLY A MAN
WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

Boes

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Post by boes » July 9, 2016, 4:45 pm

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.


The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.




They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.



The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother

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Post by papafarang » July 9, 2016, 8:38 pm

how do you get a fat chick into bed..............piece of cake
Hansa village clubhouse . Tel 0981657001 https://www.google.co.th/maps/place/Han ... 5851?hl=en

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Post by jimjay » July 10, 2016, 12:25 am

life advice from a pro


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Post by papafarang » July 10, 2016, 7:45 am

papafarang wrote:how do you get a fat chick into bed..............piece of cake
how do you get a fat chick out of bed..............piece of cake
Hansa village clubhouse . Tel 0981657001 https://www.google.co.th/maps/place/Han ... 5851?hl=en

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747man
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Post by 747man » July 10, 2016, 12:42 pm

13592183_1735478580073769_2463104019934639192_n.jpg

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Post by boes » July 11, 2016, 9:34 am

Friends


Two elderly gentlemen had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

His friend stared at him for at least three minutes -- he just stared and stared at him. Finally he said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

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Post by Lionheart » July 13, 2016, 5:24 pm

Malcolm Turnbull called Bill Shorten into his office recently and said, ‘Bill, I have a great idea. We are going to go all out & talk to country voters.’
‘Good idea Malcolm, how will we go about it?’ said Bill.
‘Well,’ said Malcolm, ’We’ll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick & an Akubra hat.
Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we’ll really look the part.
We’ll go to a typical old outback country pub, we’ll show we really enjoy the bush.’
‘Right.’ said Bill.
Days later, all kitted out & with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found a typical outback pub.
They walked in with the dog & up to the bar.
’G’day mate,’ said Malcolm to the bartender, ‘two middies of your best beer.’
‘Good afternoon Malcolm,’ said the bartender, ‘two middies of our best coming up.’
Turnbull & Shorten stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now & again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.
All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip.
He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other bar.
A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog & lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head & went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in & lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.
Eventually, Turnbull and Shorten could stand it no longer & called the barman over.
‘Tell me,’ said Shorten, ‘why did all those old stockmen come in & look under the dog’s tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?’
‘Strewth no,’ said the barman. ‘Someone told ’em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two arseholes.’

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Post by boes » July 13, 2016, 9:03 pm

The solution to all things.....
https://youtu.be/Y7rXlbHtcqM[/youtube]

https://youtu.be/Y7rXlbHtcqM

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