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socksy
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Post by socksy » March 29, 2016, 11:50 am

Finally the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders.

"Some years ago nearing dinner time at the White House our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

He wasn't the smartest looking guy in fact he seemed a bit dirty. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

"Just before the mealBill noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff but he was assured that many chefs did that.


"Dinner went Okay although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.

"By now Bill was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

"As he unzipped his trousers and ran inhe realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out this naive girl bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice:

"Sack my cook"

"And that ladies and gentlemen is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."


Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by socksy » March 29, 2016, 11:58 am

A Woman calls her mother in law.

"Could you tell me who changes the child if it nonsense's itself? Is it he mother or the father"?

It is always the mother, the mother in law replies.

"Okay then can you come over, your son has got severely pissed and 'shatt' himself".
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by socksy » March 29, 2016, 12:03 pm

After everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter
Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make
two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their
household, and the other line for those who were dominated by
their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines
of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives
was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were
heads of their household, there was only one man. God said to
the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves;
I created you to be the head of your household. You have been
disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose. Of all of you,
only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one
man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by socksy » March 29, 2016, 12:15 pm

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world,


I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's ass anymore.


.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.


.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.


.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while


.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.


And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.


Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,


the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the


eyesight to tell the difference.


Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:


1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.



2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.


3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.


4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?


7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.


8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.


9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.


10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.


11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.


12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.


14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.


15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.


16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.


17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".


19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by Lionheart » March 31, 2016, 5:32 pm

The making of a politician...

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you
with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want
you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very
successful financially. When their father's time had come and they saw their father in the coffin,
they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook,
wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

He later went on to become a member of Congress...

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Post by socksy » April 2, 2016, 9:12 am

A professor at Ohio State University was giving a lecture on Paranormal
Studies . To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here
believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of
you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the
professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a
ghost?"


Hamad replied, "----, from way back there I thought you said goats."
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by Lionheart » April 3, 2016, 5:01 pm

Subject: Marital Bliss . . . .

>Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.
>One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff for fun.
>His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.
>After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been
>thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all
>your time out here in the shop.
>You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with
>your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley-Davidson.
>Tom got a horrified look on his face.
>She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
>He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my
>ex-wife."
>"Ex wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
>Tom replied: "I wasn't!"

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Post by Lionheart » April 3, 2016, 5:05 pm

A parable to meditate on in our politically correct society

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey, and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked
"What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding."
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later they passed some people who remarked "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk".
So they decided they'd both walk.
Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."
So they both decided to ride the donkey.
They passed some people who shamed them by saying "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."
The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the donkey fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.

Have a nice day.

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Post by socksy » April 3, 2016, 5:15 pm

Homer Simpson lookalike
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Post by boes » April 3, 2016, 11:39 pm

His Superior Refused To Call Him By His First Name, Until He Said This ...

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?"

"John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his
first name," the chief scowled.
"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker,
whatever.
And you are to refer to me as 'Chief.' Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye, Aye, Chief!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."

"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ...."
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein

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Post by neeemu » April 4, 2016, 7:19 am

Thought all sailors called each other Darling?

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Post by Lionheart » April 4, 2016, 8:29 am

Retirement in Alaska


Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month; otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, comes a knock on his door, he opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Stan, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night”. “Thought you might like to come at about 5:00."

Great", says Jeff," after six months out here, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you. I’ll be there!"

As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Might be some drinkin’!"

“Not a problem," says Jeff. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely there’s
gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle myself pretty well. . . . I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," added the big man.

"Now that's really not a problem," says Jeff, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. . . . Just gonna be the two of us anyway!"

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Post by Lionheart » April 4, 2016, 5:15 pm

Once upon a time there was a individual who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So an individual went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing an individual the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

an individual was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. an individual and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, an individual returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So an individual hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this day..

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Post by 747man » April 4, 2016, 9:22 pm

I went to the doctors because everywhere I pressed hurt.

Pressed my leg it hurt.
My arm, it hurt.
My head.

Turns out I'd broken my finger.

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Post by 747man » April 4, 2016, 9:24 pm

I had a dream I was swimming in a ocean of orange soda.

Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea.

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Post by 747man » April 4, 2016, 9:28 pm

CfNGT_HWwAAoXLQ.jpg

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Post by Lionheart » April 5, 2016, 5:34 pm

Little Johnny is at it again....

Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and
the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher.
'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out,
'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.”

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, “I had a dream!”

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther individual!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”

“No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom,
“F*****g Asians!”

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday”

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Post by socksy » April 6, 2016, 6:12 am

PERTH?
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Post by boes » April 6, 2016, 12:46 pm

Suspicious Wife

Wife was sure that her husband was having sex with the maid so she laid a trap.
One evening she sent the maid home for weekend & didn't tell husband.
That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the same old story. "Excuse me my dear, my stomach is aching," and went to the bathroom.
The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off.
He came in silently, and wasted no time on words but quickly started having sex.
When he finished, the wife said, "You didn't expect me in this bed, did you?" and switched on the light.........
"No Madam".... replied the watchman.
"The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein

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Post by socksy » April 6, 2016, 1:21 pm

Gun club member's sense of humour
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Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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