A drunk from Crinkle Cove, Newfoundland walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and is stumbling back and forth.
A Mountie on the beat sees him and approaches, “Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody stole me carrr", the Newfie replies.
The Mountie asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
“It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the Newfie replies.
At that time the Mountie looks down and sees the man's 'Pecker' hanging out of his fly.
He asks the man, “Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk Newfie looks down at his crotch and blurts out……
"Holy ----....!!!! Me girlfriend's gone too!!
Consolidated Joke Thread
Consolidated Joke Thread
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Wales.
It was absolutely wonderful,it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried,the cow would move away from the bull,and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet,who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Wales"
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Wales.
It was absolutely wonderful,it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried,the cow would move away from the bull,and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet,who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Wales"
Consolidated Joke Thread
The Cremated Husband
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
“You know that dishwasher you promised me, but never bought me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me, but never bought me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me, but never bought me?
I bought that, too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?”
"Here it comes."
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
“You know that dishwasher you promised me, but never bought me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me, but never bought me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me, but never bought me?
I bought that, too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?”
"Here it comes."
Consolidated Joke Thread
Bloody hell Lionheart I think you need to blow the cobwebs off that one.
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not a very exciting subject and the good Professor decided to lighten the mood somewhat.
He pointed to a young woman medical student in the front row and asked:
"Do you know what your arcehole is doing whilst you're having an orgasm?".....
She replied, "I expect he would be playing golf with his mates again"......... =D>
This was not a very exciting subject and the good Professor decided to lighten the mood somewhat.
He pointed to a young woman medical student in the front row and asked:
"Do you know what your arcehole is doing whilst you're having an orgasm?".....
She replied, "I expect he would be playing golf with his mates again"......... =D>
Consolidated Joke Thread
At a bank in Perth, waiting behind an angry little asian lady who was complaining to the teller "Why no same? Yesterday 25 baht for 1 dollar, today only 24. Why no same yesterday? The teller shrugged and said "Fluctuations" . This seemed to make her even more angry and she stormed out, yelling "And flucked you Austalians too!"
Consolidated Joke Thread
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his Scots lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where’s the money?
Guido signs back, “I don't know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I'll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, “You are a wee nonsense and don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.
Don't you just love Scots lawyers?
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his Scots lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where’s the money?
Guido signs back, “I don't know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I'll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, “You are a wee nonsense and don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.
Don't you just love Scots lawyers?
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Four old timers
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond and she can't take her eyes off it."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning a cruise I promised to take her on. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." (That must be a first)
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course?'
She said, "Don't forget your hat."
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond and she can't take her eyes off it."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning a cruise I promised to take her on. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." (That must be a first)
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course?'
She said, "Don't forget your hat."
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Consolidated Joke Thread
DATING
- Attachments
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Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio (Some you have probably heard)
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'
5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........ Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'
5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........ Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Consolidated Joke Thread
Socksy , you missed the best 1 of all time IMO,
Brian Johnston, the bowler's Holding the batsman's Willey
Brian Johnston, the bowler's Holding the batsman's Willey
Consolidated Joke Thread
I excluded that one Mancman because I thought like "I hope your donuts turn out like Fanny's" (Cradock), everyone would have known it.
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Consolidated Joke Thread
I was working out at the gym when I spotted
a sweet young thing walking in.
I asked the trainer standing next to me,
"What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?
The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
a sweet young thing walking in.
I asked the trainer standing next to me,
"What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?
The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."
Consolidated Joke Thread
I decided to go to the Liverpool Mosque for the first time to see what it was all about.
I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today.”
I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my ****** car had been stolen!
I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today.”
I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my ****** car had been stolen!
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Consolidated Joke Thread
Oi, Watch it Boy !!! Never Happens in Fu**ing Glasgow,Does it ???socksy wrote:I decided to go to the Liverpool Mosque for the first time to see what it was all about.
I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today.”
I told him I was not paralyzed. He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers I stepped outside and, lo and behold, my ****** car had been stolen!
Consolidated Joke Thread
Nah! Cos when you go to Ibrox or the 'Midden' a quid is extorted from you by local kids - "oi mister, gies a poond tae look efter yer motor". Failure to pay said money will result in either damage to, removal of parts, or the complete Theft of your car. At least in Liverpool you get a part-ex trade in of your wheels for a set of building bricks and at the same time leaving it very accessible for a pressure wash on the underside.
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Consolidated Joke Thread
FIVE ANSWERS WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:
1. WHAT ARE THE LITTLE BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
They're Braille for "suck here".
2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
It's the same as a French kiss, but "downunder".
3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
4. WHY ARE HURRICANES GENERALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because when they come, they're wet and wild. And when they go, they take your house and car with them. (Note... they're not all named after women anymore,)
5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
Because they don't have any balls to scratch!
OK... someone sent me these in an email, and I had to share. If you're offended, good!
1. WHAT ARE THE LITTLE BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
They're Braille for "suck here".
2. WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
It's the same as a French kiss, but "downunder".
3. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
4. WHY ARE HURRICANES GENERALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because when they come, they're wet and wild. And when they go, they take your house and car with them. (Note... they're not all named after women anymore,)
5. WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
Because they don't have any balls to scratch!
OK... someone sent me these in an email, and I had to share. If you're offended, good!
Consolidated Joke Thread
Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "Which part did you get?
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "Which part did you get?
Consolidated Joke Thread
Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."
Paddy asks, “Does it Hurt?"
Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 12 months."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."
Paddy asks, “Does it Hurt?"
Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 12 months."
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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