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Post by socksy » February 20, 2016, 7:33 am

Dog cartoon
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Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by socksy » February 20, 2016, 7:56 am

I asked one hundred women, what was their favorite soap in the shower?

Their most popular reply was, “How the F*#k did you get in here?”
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by socksy » February 20, 2016, 8:02 am

A Blonde goes to a shop to buy curtains. She says to the salesman, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.

'The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.''

Seventeen inches asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small, what room are they for?

The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room, they are for my new computer monitor.'

The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!'

The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo .....Mine has Windows..'
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by socksy » February 20, 2016, 8:21 am

Colonoscopy comments by Patients

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by GT93 » February 20, 2016, 8:32 am

Many of those comments might be comments from those whose prostrate has been touched up by a doc. That's done more regularly than a colonoscopy. On both counts - :(

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Post by Lionheart » February 22, 2016, 5:07 pm

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a
supermarket.

She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the
security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.

She complained and criticised everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what
she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."

The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the
store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine!

But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because
I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband
raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honour, she also stole a
can of peas."

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Post by socksy » February 24, 2016, 9:12 am

A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
>>
>> The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
>>
>> The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
>>
>> "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."
>>
>> The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
>>
>> A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
>>
>> The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
>>
>> The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
>>
>> The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."
>>
>> The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
>>
>> Finally the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the ---- out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?"
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by Jsell50 » February 25, 2016, 9:55 am

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with their offerings:

The minister says "I draw a 6" circle on the ground, throw the money in the air and whatever lands outside the circle I use for the church, the rest I live on."

The Priest says "I draw that same circle on the ground but whatever lands inside the circle I use for the church."

The Rabbi says "Oh ye of little faith, I trow it all up in the air and vatever he vants he keeps!"

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Post by 747man » February 25, 2016, 11:34 am

A young man moved out from mom and dad’s house and into an apartment, on his own for the first time.

He proudly went down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'let’s go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'my ears?!?!?''

Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural.
rebel flag.jpg
rebel flag.jpg (21.81 KiB) Viewed 793 times
I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid.


I have a 28 inch waist.


Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered...

'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me...'

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Post by socksy » February 25, 2016, 12:51 pm

A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah. While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.” The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you a BJ every day for the rest of your life. The deadly chase was recorded. :roll:

https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8?rel=0
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by boes » February 28, 2016, 11:50 am

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what they need at home?
1st kid says "A computer" Teacher replies, "that'd be very useful, every family should have a computer."
2nd kid says "We really need a lawn mower" and the teacher responds by saying that's an excellent choice.
Little johnny pops up saying "At my house we don't need anything." The teacher asks him to think again carefully because everybody needs something.
Little Johnny replies, "Nope I'm sure. When my sister started dating a Muslim, I remember Dad saying, Well, that's the last f***ing thing we need."

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Post by boes » February 28, 2016, 11:11 pm

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my word!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted

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Post by socksy » February 29, 2016, 7:45 am

I recently heard a sweet elderly lady saying a prayer:-

“Dear Lord, the past few years have been tough for me.

You have taken — my favourite actor— James Garner, my favourite actress —Lauren Bacall, my favourite comedian — Robin Williams, my favourite singer—Joe Cocker, and finally, my favourite author Tom Clancy.


I just wanted you to know, Lord, that my favourite Politicians are.......... Tony Blair, Jeremy Corbyn and that stupid ugly bitch and First Minister from Scotland.

Amen
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by socksy » February 29, 2016, 7:53 am

The Wife's Affair

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! ..............I lied when I told you I inherited money:

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you,
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser,
HE paid for your football season tickets,
HE paid for our house at the lake,
He paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation,
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his arse with that blanket before he catches cold.'
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by socksy » February 29, 2016, 8:30 am

Muslim immigrants are boycotting the U.S.A. and leaving by the thousands, showing their outrage with Donald Trump's proposed law of stopping all further Muslim immigrants till they can clearly check who they are.

In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, south of Phoenix, Mohammed Aabad is one of those who is punishing the U.S.A. by leaving.

As he loaded his stolen vehicle with his stolen belongings, four wives ,fourteen children and goat the 21 year old Mohammed Aabad told this reporter through an interpreter "It's a matter of principle; I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal".

The effects of the exodus are being felt by American retailers, who are reporting dwindling sales of beer, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in birthsand emergency room visits

Mohammed Aabad told a reporter through an interpreter that he and his family are moving to Canada, where a Liberal government will pay for everything, and where hard working people, through their taxes, will support him and his family and with dignity

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by Jsell50 » February 29, 2016, 11:05 am

Summer vacation was over and the first day of school Mrs Williams asked her class what they did for summer vacation. Almost all of the hands went up to answer, including Tommy's. She knew she couldn't pick Tommy because he was always vulgar so she went through the rest of the class one by one until she couldn't avoid him any longer. "OK Tommy", she asked, "What did you do on your summer vacation?"
"Well Ma'am", he replied, " Me and my uncle went rabbit huntin' and I shot one dead in his ass!"
"No Tommy, teacher replied, "His Rectum!"
"Damn right I wrecked him, Shot him dead in his ass!"

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Post by Lionheart » March 1, 2016, 8:27 am

Irish vs The French!

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said.
'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well Paddy,' Sarkozy replied. 'How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.
'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no flipping way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

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Post by Lionheart » March 1, 2016, 8:35 am

He spent the first day packing his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he had finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the ex returned with her new partner, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex called and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce their divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.

Knowing he had no idea how bad the smell was, they agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if he were to sign the papers that very day.

He agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the ex and her partner stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........

And to spite the husband, they even took the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

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Post by jai yen yen » March 1, 2016, 8:58 am

socksy wrote:Muslim immigrants are boycotting the U.S.A. and leaving by the thousands, showing their outrage with Donald Trump's proposed law of stopping all further Muslim immigrants till they can clearly check who they are.

In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, south of Phoenix, Mohammed Aabad is one of those who is punishing the U.S.A. by leaving.

As he loaded his stolen vehicle with his stolen belongings, four wives ,fourteen children and goat the 21 year old Mohammed Aabad told this reporter through an interpreter "It's a matter of principle; I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal".

The effects of the exodus are being felt by American retailers, who are reporting dwindling sales of beer, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in birthsand emergency room visits

Mohammed Aabad told a reporter through an interpreter that he and his family are moving to Canada, where a Liberal government will pay for everything, and where hard working people, through their taxes, will support him and his family and with dignity

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Oh no.

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Post by socksy » March 3, 2016, 9:30 am

Funnies
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Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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