Consolidated Joke Thread

[Jsell50]

3 surgeons are discussing the easiest patients to work on;
The first one says "I only work on Germans. You open them up and all the parts are numbered. Match them up, sew them up, and you're done!"
The second one replies "You're working way too hard. I only work on Japanese. They are all color coded. just match the colors and you don't even have to count!"
The third one laughs and says "I only work on lawyers. There are only 2 moving parts and they are interchangeable!!!"

[socksy]

You'll Never outsmart a woman

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend".....

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.. 'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. He continued, "But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?”

The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".

Never, never, never try to outsmart a woman!!!

[747man]

Mum:What are you gonna gift grandma for her birthday?
Boy: Football
But your grandma doesn't play football!
On my birthday she gave me books

[boes]

Yesterday I was at my local PetsRUs store buying a large
bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was
in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldnt, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

[boes]

https://youtu.be/jnIGdb-sT-s?t=59

[747man]

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor's ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

[Nigglyb]

Why are mountains so funny?

Because they're hill areas.……

[Nigglyb]

Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea, it doesn't enhance sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft

[Nigglyb]

I said to my doctor “I’ve got Irish voices coming out of my tummy.” He said, “You’ve got a stomach Ulster.”

[Lionheart]

What's in a word

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.


A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil."
The entire congregation held its breath.
#
#
#
#
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[Lionheart]

---Holy Prostitutes

> A man is driving down a deserted stretch of
> highway when he notices a sign out of the
> corner of his eye....It reads:
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
> HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> 10 MILES
>
> He thinks this is a figment of his imagination
> and drives on without second thought....
> Soon he sees another sign which reads:
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
> HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> 5 MILES
>
>
>
> Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs
> are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
> HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> NEXT RIGHT
>
> His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls
> into the drive. On the far side of the parking
> lot is a stone building with a small sign next to
> the door reading:
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
>
> He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door
> is answered by a nun in a long black habit who
> asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
> He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway
> and was interested in possibly doing business...."
> "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led
> through many winding passages and is soon quite
> disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and
> tells the man, "Please knock on this door..."
>
> He does so and another nun in a long habit,
> holding a tin cup answers the door...
> This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the
> cup then go through the large wooden door
> at the end of the hallway."
>
> He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the
> hall and slips through the door pulling it shut
> behind him.
> The door locks, and he finds himself back in the
> parking lot facing another sign:
>
> GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN
> SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
> SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.

[FLICKFLACKER404]

The wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night.
Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running

[Nigglyb]

A wizard walked into a gay bar and disappeared with a poof

[Nigglyb]

Past, Present and Future walked into a bar, it was a tense moment

[socksy]

How true.

[747man]

The wife and I went to a bank robbers-themed fancy dress party last night.
Well I did. She stayed in the car, keeping the engine running

555..Flicker Cracked A Funny !!!!

[Nigglyb]

Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road, then I walked into a bar. It was then I began to realise my life was one big joke

[Lionheart]

5 surgeons!

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
Patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
On my operating table because when you open them up, everything
Inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
Electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
Are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
Construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
A few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
He observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

[socksy]

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

[socksy]

APARTMENT for RENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:


'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:


'Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady... !!