Consolidated Joke Thread

[socksy]

Why women can't fix cars. However there should be many in Thailand qualified to do so.

[socksy]

Prelude to the Melbourne Cup race. Contains strong language.

http://www.toodamnfunny.com/divorce-horse-race

[boes]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=p ... 9pSUg#t=36

[Lionheart]

Better than a Flu
Shot!

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned
With tea and scones, they
began to chat The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

[boes]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=p ... UdIM#t=176

[Lionheart]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor crea ture?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~


And my favorite:


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had *** with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

[Lionheart]

Smile for the day – lord knows we need one or two


1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,’ I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,’ Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one?’ I asked.
'The patch.'
'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered, ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,
Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, Which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!!

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . ..
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

[socksy]

> *THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTTISH GIRL.*
>
>
>
> Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
> The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the
> dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day
> he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away....
> .
> The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to
> do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see
> any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw
> his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on
> the table....
> .
> The third man married a girl from Scotland . He ordered her to keep the
> house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on
> the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second
> day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the
> swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and
> his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the
> dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.....

[socksy]

>> Hello, you have reached the ‘Men’s Help Line’, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”
>>>
>>> “Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.
>>>
>>> Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
>>>
>>> It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”

[socksy]

The water remedy

[socksy]

Just in time for Christmas..................................................THE 'BJ' BURKA has finally arrived

[boes]

"Ive outlived my dick."
A Poem - by Willie Nelson


My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the friggin thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues ,
To see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoes!!


__________________

Hard work never killed anybody but why take the chance.



Actually it was written 5 years ago for his 75th Birthday bussorah.wordpress.com/2010/12/12/willie-nelsons-75th-birthday-poem/

[socksy]

A rich Arab walks into a crowded bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you !" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab.
He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.
He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
He does this once again for the third time, but not for the Jew again.
The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew?
"I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 200 of them, except him and all the silly b****** does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place

[socksy]

Clinton - it appears to small to read perhaps a moderator could enlarge please

[socksy]

My wife and I decided to go on an organised trip to Afghanistan, to see
for ourselves what the place was like. It didn't start well as the train we
were travelling on broke down just a few miles south of the station. We
found ourselves stranded in a scary hell hole where no one around us
spoke any English.
The train, and surrounding streets were full of Muslims, angry bearded
types glared at us, the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sun-dress,
as all the local women were draped in black, head to toe with burqas.
We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Jim our group leader ushered us off the train and round the
corner from Hounslow Station to the bus terminal, where we continued
our journey safely to Heathrow Airport.

[Lionheart]

Romantic Encounter

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.

They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed
the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth
but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out
of sight under the tablecloth.

Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend
other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:
"Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said:
"No, she didn't .......... she just walked in."

[Lionheart]

On a London underground train to St John’s to watch the cricket at Lords, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip puts you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME!”
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

[Lionheart]

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

Give me an Amen brother!

[socksy]

Subject: The Essay


This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Hampshire who won the World's Shortest Essay competition. He was awarded a scholarship for his imagination and humour. Here's an example of absolute brilliance:

A School English creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:

1) Religion
2) Royalty
3) Physical Disability
4) Racism
5) Homosexuality


The prize-winner wrote:

'My God,' cried the Duke, 'That one-legged black guy is a poof'.

[socksy]

The Medium

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, she stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

For some reason, wives tend to like this joke........