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socksy
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Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by socksy » September 1, 2015, 11:10 am

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.

~Grantland Rice

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.

~John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf.

~Robert Lynd

If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.

~Horace G. Hutchinson

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them.
Golf is more complicated than that.

~ Gardner Dickinson

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.

~Sam Snead

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.

~William Wordsworth

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.

~Dean Martin

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to
waste energy going back to pick it up.

~Tommy Bolt

Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.

~Bishop Sheen

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

~ Arnold Palmer

My handicap? Woods and irons.

~Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.

~Pete Dye

I'm hitting the woods just great, but having a terrible time getting out of them!

~Buddy Hackett

The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.

~Billy Graham

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

~Jack Lemmon

Its good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

~Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.

~Harry Vardon

May the ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters or small round sandy regions.

~Ben Hogan

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.

~All us Hackers

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

~George Deukmejian

AND FINALLY................

Remember Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.(and you know where it was invented)

~Lee Trevino


Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by socksy » September 2, 2015, 6:55 am

Squeezing the last 10 pence

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son,
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face..... The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
'No,' the woman replied. “I'm from the Inland Revenue..”
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by boes » September 9, 2015, 2:16 pm

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the
past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the
problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, and
why she doesn’t want to have sex with her husband.
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to
work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or
what?’ So, I take an ‘or what.’
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write
this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what.’
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again,
‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what.’
So you see, Doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”

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Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by bignote1 » September 10, 2015, 9:35 pm


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Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by broon97 » September 11, 2015, 1:58 pm

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

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Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by Bradds » September 13, 2015, 1:57 pm

A police officer call the station on his radio.....
'I have an interesting case here...an old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped....
"have you arrested her yet?"
"not yet....the floor's still wet!!"

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Faking Knowledge

Post by downunder » September 14, 2015, 2:31 pm

HEARD IT ON THE GRAPEVINE
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Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by rick » September 14, 2015, 3:34 pm

A police officer call the station on his radio.....
'I have an interesting case here...an old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped....
"have you arrested her yet?"
"not yet....the floor's still wet!!"
A good one - even my wife got it - fortunately she only shouts at me when i walk on the clean floor!

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Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by boes » September 16, 2015, 11:38 pm

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his 'thing.' So, he decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his 'thingie,' which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."

The other lady asked what she meant.

"Well," said the old lady,

"When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.


Now I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat!"

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Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by socksy » September 23, 2015, 9:26 am

Prince Charles & the Hooker

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"£150 pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him & the hooker became a daily occurrence.

She'd yell, "£150 pounds!"

He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer & Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.

As they neared the hooker's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bugger!"
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by boes » September 26, 2015, 3:02 pm

Patrick O’Malley raised his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs
of my wife!” And he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.
In bed later that night, he told his wife, “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “What was your toast?”
So he told her, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife.”
“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”
The next day, Mary ran into one of Patrick’s drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man
said, “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about
you, Mary?”
She replied: “Yes—and I was a bit surprised. ‘Til now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he
fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

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Post by socksy » September 29, 2015, 5:13 am

he Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

;

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.

;

; The local paper read:

;

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

;

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

;

The next day the local paper headline read:

;

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS!

;

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

;

; The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

;

; The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

;

NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN!

;

Upon reading this, the Bishop fainted. He then informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10. ;

;

The next day the paper read:

;

NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10!

;

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

;

; The next day the headlines read:

;

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE!

;

The Bishop was buried the next day.

;

;

The moral of the story is . . . ;

;

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...
even shorten your life.

;

;

So be yourself and enjoy life! Stop worrying about everyone

else's ass and just cover your own!!!

;

You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by boes » September 29, 2015, 8:55 pm

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15."
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'"
"I remember that too," she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

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Post by socksy » October 1, 2015, 8:52 am

USA Politics
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Post by socksy » October 1, 2015, 9:08 am

1912 testing of American Football Helmets
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Post by socksy » October 2, 2015, 6:01 am

Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
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Post by socksy » October 4, 2015, 11:34 am

New Religious Sect in Newfoundland...
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Post by socksy » October 4, 2015, 11:40 am

Notice
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@Thesportsbar

Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by @Thesportsbar » October 4, 2015, 11:50 am

Snow White was returning from town to the cottage in the forest where she lived with the 7 dwarfs. In the distance she could see smoke, then as she got nearer she realized that her cottage had burnt down.

Frantically, Snow White searched the forest for the dwarfs, then she heard a a lone voice saying, 'England for the Rugby World Cup, England for the Rugby World Cup, England for the Rugby World Cup.

On hearing this chant, Snow White smiled and gave a gasp of relief as she knew that at least Dopey was safe.

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Post by Barney » October 4, 2015, 12:36 pm

@Thesportsbar wrote:Snow White was returning from town to the cottage in the forest where she lived with the 7 dwarfs. In the distance she could see smoke, then as she got nearer she realized that her cottage had burnt down.

Frantically, Snow White searched the forest for the dwarfs, then she heard a a lone voice saying, 'England for the Rugby World Cup, England for the Rugby World Cup, England for the Rugby World Cup.

On hearing this chant, Snow White smiled and gave a gasp of relief as she knew that at least Dopey was safe.
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: =D>

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