Consolidated Joke Thread

Post by **747man** » February 15, 2015, 11:25 am

Post by **747man** » February 15, 2015, 11:26 am

Post by **socksy** » February 16, 2015, 8:49 am

Received by text:
Hi Pete.
This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I’ve been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without your knowing.
The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you, particularly in the mornings after you’ve left for work. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. My wife has known for some time now and I’ve promised her that it won't happen again.
Regards, Alan.
Pete, feeling anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife twice in the head, killing her instantly. He returned to the lounge where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone to respond to the neighbour's text and saw he had another message:
Hi Pete,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text, I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I’m sure you noticed, my predictive text changed ‘WiFi' to ‘Wife’. Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.

Post by **socksy** » February 16, 2015, 8:52 am

Sex education to young pupils isn't what it used to be.

Post by **747man** » February 18, 2015, 12:23 am

Scousers Are QUICK......

A Romanian and a Liverpool guy go into a
pastry shop.

The Romanian whisks three cookies
into his pocket with lightning
speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Romanian says to the Scouser,
"You see how clever we are? You
Scousers can never beat that!"

The Scouser says to the Romanian,
"Watch dis, any Scouser is
smarter dan you, and I'll prove
it to ya."

He says to the baker, "Gimme a
cookie, I'll show ya a magic
trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie,
which the Scouser promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker, "Gimme
anudder cookie for me magic
trick."

The baker is getting suspicious,
but he gives it to him. He eats
this one too.

Then he says again, "Gimme one
more cookie..." The baker is
getting angry now, but gives him
one anyway. The Scouser eats this
one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and
he yells, "OK... And now where is
your famous magic trick?"

The Scouser says.... "Now look in
the Romanian's pocket!

Post by **747man** » February 18, 2015, 2:20 pm

Mafia
Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00. His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and
would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer,
"Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido,
"Where's the money?"
Guido signs back,
"I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather,
"He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido,
"He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back,
"OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Post by **msa** » February 19, 2015, 2:58 am

747man wrote:Mafia
..... cut ...
The Godfather asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"
The lawyer replies,
"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

The Morale is never trust your lawyer

Post by **socksy** » February 19, 2015, 8:33 am

(You can’t make up this stuff....)

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

........Remember, these people can vote...(but only if they can find the polling place!)

Post by **Jsell50** » February 19, 2015, 8:37 am

3 surgeons are discussing the easiest patients to operate on
1st one says: "I only work on Germans, you cut them open and all the parts are numbered, match up the #'s and sew 'em up."

2nd one says: "I only work on Japanese, they are color coded, you don't even have to know how to count!"

3rd one says: "I only work on lawyers, they only have 2 moving parts and those are interchangeable!"

Post by **Jsell50** » February 19, 2015, 8:40 am

What do you call 1000 lawyers buried to their necks in sand with the tide coming in? A good start!

Post by **socksy** » February 19, 2015, 10:46 am

To peruse

Post by **boes** » February 21, 2015, 2:44 pm

Beware of older men....
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

'I was behind you at McDonalds'

Post by **croc** » February 21, 2015, 3:02 pm

"If we manage to convince the Chinese that Jihadists' testicles are aphrodisiacs,

within ten years they'll have disappeared..."

What a great idea !!

That would give the rhinos, sharks and elephants a break – a double edged benefit to the world.

Post by **socksy** » February 22, 2015, 8:50 am

I walked into a Pakistani/Muslim book shop and asked for a book on UKIP.

The Pakistani shopkeeper said: "F*%k off, get out, and don't come back"

Yes I said, that's the one!! :-"

Post by **socksy** » February 23, 2015, 2:15 pm

The Polite Way to Pee

During Her Daily One of Classes, a teacher,.
trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:.

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner.
with a nice young lady, how would you.
tell her that you have to go.
to the bathroom? '
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'.
The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be Rude and impolite.

What About You Sherman, You Say How would it? '.
Sherman said: 'I AM Sorry, but I Really Need.
to Go to The bathroom. I'll be Right back. '.

'That's better, but it's still not very nice.
to Say The Word bathroom at The Dinner T a ble.

And how about you little Johnny,.
can you use your brain for once and.
tell us what you would say.
Johnny said: 'I would Say: Darling, May I please be.
excused for a Moment?
I have to shake hands with a.
very dear friend of mine,
whom I hope to introduce
You to After Dinner. '

The teacher fainted.

Post by **socksy** » February 23, 2015, 2:19 pm

https://a.gfx.ms//video_57.png =D>

Sorry not working.

Post by **boes** » February 23, 2015, 4:26 pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=p ... uCNrizHRqk

Post by **socksy** » February 23, 2015, 4:41 pm

Quality =D>

Post by **TicToc** » February 23, 2015, 6:23 pm

It's the seat!

Post by **socksy** » February 25, 2015, 6:03 am

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
Tim Murphy hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs
of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, "I won the
prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
Tim said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Tim" she said.

The next day, she ran into one of Tim's drinking
buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "Tim won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
asleep".