Oops sorry 747747man wrote:socksy wrote:New Parliamentary Candidate?
Hopefully, this guy will run for office. He’s laid back, looks intelligent, and appears to have what current politicians lack.
warning - animal genitalia on display
https://blu176.afx.ms/att/GetInline.asp ... oneredir=1
The Link Does'nt Work, Socksy.....
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Consolidated Joke Thread
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Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
'" Kinell.............Well Yer look nice & Relaxed there Lar !!!
Consolidated Joke Thread
A Few for Our Irish Friends.......
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O’Connor looks around and asks, ‘Oh, me boys, someone’s got to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?’
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse. ‘Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.’
Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, ‘Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.’
‘Tell him to drop dead!’, says Murphy’s wife..
‘I’ll go tell him.’ says Gallagher.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he’s walking with a limp. ‘What happened to you?’ asks Sean, the bartender.
‘Micheal O’Connor and me had a fight,’ says Paddy.
‘That little O’Connor,’ says Sean, ‘He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.’ ‘That he did,’ says Paddy, ‘a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.’
‘Well,’ says Sean, ‘you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?’ That I did,’ said Paddy, ‘Mrs. O’Connor’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.’
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. ‘So,’ says the cop to the driver, ‘where have ya been?’
‘Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,’ slurs the drunk.
‘Well,’ says the cop, ‘it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.’ ‘I did all right,’ the drunk says with a smile.
‘Did you know,’ says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, ‘that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?’ ‘Oh, thank heavens,’ sighs the drunk. ‘for a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.’
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, ‘So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?’
She says, ‘Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.’ The priest says, ‘Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?’
She says, ‘That he did, Father.’
The priest says, ‘What did he ask, Mary?’
She says, ‘He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun….’
AND FOR THE LAST . . .
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, ‘Ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O’Connor looks around and asks, ‘Oh, me boys, someone’s got to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?’
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse. ‘Discreet??? I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.’
Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, ‘Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.’
‘Tell him to drop dead!’, says Murphy’s wife..
‘I’ll go tell him.’ says Gallagher.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he’s walking with a limp. ‘What happened to you?’ asks Sean, the bartender.
‘Micheal O’Connor and me had a fight,’ says Paddy.
‘That little O’Connor,’ says Sean, ‘He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.’ ‘That he did,’ says Paddy, ‘a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.’
‘Well,’ says Sean, ‘you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?’ That I did,’ said Paddy, ‘Mrs. O’Connor’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.’
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. ‘So,’ says the cop to the driver, ‘where have ya been?’
‘Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,’ slurs the drunk.
‘Well,’ says the cop, ‘it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.’ ‘I did all right,’ the drunk says with a smile.
‘Did you know,’ says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, ‘that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?’ ‘Oh, thank heavens,’ sighs the drunk. ‘for a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.’
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, ‘So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?’
She says, ‘Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.’ The priest says, ‘Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?’
She says, ‘That he did, Father.’
The priest says, ‘What did he ask, Mary?’
She says, ‘He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun….’
AND FOR THE LAST . . .
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, ‘Ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.
Consolidated Joke Thread
Are you irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care about or respect others? Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.
This story involves the police department in the small town of Columbus , Nebraska who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Platte River near the State Highway-30 bridge.
The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Central City. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 6 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.
The Columbus police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
So there, police do care.
This story involves the police department in the small town of Columbus , Nebraska who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Platte River near the State Highway-30 bridge.
The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Central City. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 6 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick dazzle dust on his eyelids, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.
The Columbus police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
So there, police do care.
Consolidated Joke Thread
IRISH WEDDING
A fight breaks out at a wedding, chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.
They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?"
Johnny speaks up, "Well you sees judge, at an Irish wedding, its tradition for the first mate to have a dance with the bride. So I gets up there and I'm dancing with the bride. She was grinding up on me and we're both getting' all horny you see, and Tommy the groom didn't take too kindly to that. So Tommy walks up and kicks her right in the crotch!!!"
"Right in the crotch?" The judge cringes as he says," That must have hurt."
Johnny says, "Hurt?? Broke three of my fingers..."
A fight breaks out at a wedding, chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.
They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?"
Johnny speaks up, "Well you sees judge, at an Irish wedding, its tradition for the first mate to have a dance with the bride. So I gets up there and I'm dancing with the bride. She was grinding up on me and we're both getting' all horny you see, and Tommy the groom didn't take too kindly to that. So Tommy walks up and kicks her right in the crotch!!!"
"Right in the crotch?" The judge cringes as he says," That must have hurt."
Johnny says, "Hurt?? Broke three of my fingers..."
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was
sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin
and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the
retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers,
he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His
talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised
to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and
pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less
than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the
regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions
behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian
events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the
Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he
can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f**k off."
sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin
and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) that protocol decrees, the
retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers,
he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His
talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised
to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and
pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less
than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the
regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions
behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian
events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the
Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he
can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f**k off."
Consolidated Joke Thread
DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE?
BUBBA, A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA, DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!
HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR.
IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.
THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE 'SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS.'
THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, 'THAT THAR'S A WHITE PINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER.'
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!
HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.
'THAT'S A LOB LOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET.'
THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!
ONE MORE TEST - THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN.
THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, 'AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?'
BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, 'WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST.'
THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE. A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.
HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, 'SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?' 'I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!'
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, 'IDIOT, HOW THE HELL WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE EVEN IF THE TREE HAD A FRONT?'
WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT LOOKING AT THE GROUND AND FINALLY REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.
HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. 'THAT THAR'S THE FRONT,' THE REDNECK SAYS. THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, 'HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?'
BUBBA LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES,
'CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A CRAP BEHIND IT.
HE GOT THE JOB, AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN! :-"
BUBBA, A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA, DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN, HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!
HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR.
IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.
THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE 'SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS.'
THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, 'THAT THAR'S A WHITE PINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER.'
THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!
HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.
'THAT'S A LOB LOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET.'
THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!
ONE MORE TEST - THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN.
THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, 'AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?'
BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, 'WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST.'
THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE. A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS. AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.
HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, 'SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?' 'I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!'
THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, 'IDIOT, HOW THE HELL WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE EVEN IF THE TREE HAD A FRONT?'
WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT LOOKING AT THE GROUND AND FINALLY REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.
HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. 'THAT THAR'S THE FRONT,' THE REDNECK SAYS. THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, 'HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?'
BUBBA LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES,
'CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A CRAP BEHIND IT.
HE GOT THE JOB, AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN! :-"
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
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Social Media
I'm going to have to try twitter sometime.
I'm going to have to try twitter sometime.
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Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!!!"
One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!!!!!
…don't tell me you thought that Hameed became a f***ing doctor !?!
One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!!!!!
…don't tell me you thought that Hameed became a f***ing doctor !?!
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
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karonsteve
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- Joined: August 8, 2012, 8:37 pm
Consolidated Joke Thread
socksy wrote:Social Media
I'm going to have to try twitter sometime.
As an old friend says these pants are called "mumbles" - you can see the lips move but can't hear the c***t speak!
Consolidated Joke Thread
Camel's footkaronsteve wrote:socksy wrote:Social Media
I'm going to have to try twitter sometime.
As an old friend says these pants are called "mumbles" - you can see the lips move but can't hear the c***t speak!
Beetle's (VW) bonnet or Hood as they say in US.
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
>A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."
>
>
>The doctor examines him and then says:
>"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week,
>then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.
>Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
>
>The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful!
>What was wrong with me?"
>
>The doctor replied, "You were homesick."
>
>
>
>The doctor examines him and then says:
>"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week,
>then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.
>Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
>
>The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful!
>What was wrong with me?"
>
>The doctor replied, "You were homesick."
>
Mai mee tahng !
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BigBubba
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1629
- Joined: February 25, 2012, 4:39 pm
- Location: Was MEMPHIS, now Udon Thani
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Proof That The World Is Nuts!
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don't live in Indonesia!)
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute: Is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don't live in Indonesia!)
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute: Is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Every day I wake up is a good day.
Consolidated Joke Thread
to clarify Indonesia's law... http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle ... penal-code So watch where you're going in the world!!
Dave
Consolidated Joke Thread
> Subject: Farming Today
>
> Nicola Sturgeon, Scotland's first minister is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.
> Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
> Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
> " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”
> The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
> " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.
> The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap - up meal and the daughter made love to me."
> " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.
> " I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."
>
> Nicola Sturgeon, Scotland's first minister is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.
> Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
> Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
> " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”
> The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
> " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.
> The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap - up meal and the daughter made love to me."
> " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.
> " I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde Essex girlfriend and she piped up,
"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that?" he said.
"Well, the kids are writing on the steamed up window and it says
"stit ruoy su wohs". :-"
"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that?" he said.
"Well, the kids are writing on the steamed up window and it says
"stit ruoy su wohs". :-"
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
a story to help you smile as we approach the middle of another week. It goes to prove that you can not always assume to know a young woman's real motives.
A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks,.
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,.
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?".
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his.
knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a.
widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit,.
or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there? ".
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on.
her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,.
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks,.
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,.
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?".
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his.
knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a.
widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit,.
or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there? ".
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on.
her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,.
"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
-
BigBubba
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 1629
- Joined: February 25, 2012, 4:39 pm
- Location: Was MEMPHIS, now Udon Thani
Consolidated Joke Thread
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.
"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more.
You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.”
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30… So what's so bad about being 80?"
"My problem is… I don't wake up until 7:00."
"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more.
You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.”
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30… So what's so bad about being 80?"
"My problem is… I don't wake up until 7:00."
Every day I wake up is a good day.
Consolidated Joke Thread
A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic
surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the
years they had become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of
course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside
her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought
I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went
through this all by yourself.
The second rose is from my nurse.
She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the
same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from Paul in the burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new
ears."
surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the
years they had become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of
course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside
her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought
I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went
through this all by yourself.
The second rose is from my nurse.
She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the
same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from Paul in the burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new
ears."