"It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, "Where the ---- am I gonna find a didgeridoo?"
:-"Consolidated Joke Thread
Consolidated Joke Thread
My wife keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants.
"It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, "Where the ---- am I gonna find a didgeridoo?" :-"
"It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, "Where the ---- am I gonna find a didgeridoo?"
:-"
Consolidated Joke Thread
Three to please
- Attachments
-
-
-
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2014 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the B******ds." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC. :-"
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the B******ds." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC. :-"
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
A man in America tells his co worker that her hair smells nice. She storms into the bosses office, quits on the spot, and tells him she is filing a sexual harassment suit. "What's wrong with him telling you your hair smells nice", he asks? "He's a ****** midget," she replies!
Consolidated Joke Thread
Cant remember if posted before.
A Muslim dies, and by some error in his handling, ends up in heaven.
He’s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St Peter who says: "Sorry, but we don’t allow Muslims into Heaven".
"What?!!!!” replies the Muslim, “and why not?”
"Well, we just don’t!! and that’s it, also we're short on Virgins".
The Muslim complains and carries on until St Peter gets fed up.
"Well” says St Peter, “have you ever done anything good in your life?”
“Ummm” the Muslim replies."Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children’s charity so I gave her Twenty Dollars.
Last week I donated Fifty Dollars to the Cancer Society,
and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money, so I gave him Ten Dollars!”
"Alright then”, says St Peter “wait here and I'll have a quick word with God".
Five minutes later St Peter returns and says to the Muslim.
“Listen, I’ve spoken with God and he agrees with me ....
Here’s your 80 Dollars back now f*** off!!!”
A Muslim dies, and by some error in his handling, ends up in heaven.
He’s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St Peter who says: "Sorry, but we don’t allow Muslims into Heaven".
"What?!!!!” replies the Muslim, “and why not?”
"Well, we just don’t!! and that’s it, also we're short on Virgins".
The Muslim complains and carries on until St Peter gets fed up.
"Well” says St Peter, “have you ever done anything good in your life?”
“Ummm” the Muslim replies."Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children’s charity so I gave her Twenty Dollars.
Last week I donated Fifty Dollars to the Cancer Society,
and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money, so I gave him Ten Dollars!”
"Alright then”, says St Peter “wait here and I'll have a quick word with God".
Five minutes later St Peter returns and says to the Muslim.
“Listen, I’ve spoken with God and he agrees with me ....
Here’s your 80 Dollars back now f*** off!!!”
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose ***** was so long he could suck it
Said he once with a grin, and a wipe of his chin
If my ear was a c*nt I could f*ck it
Whose ***** was so long he could suck it
Said he once with a grin, and a wipe of his chin
If my ear was a c*nt I could f*ck it
Consolidated Joke Thread
Not a joke as such but an observation
Pasta was not eaten in Australia.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
All potato chips were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.
Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
Water came out of the tap.
If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it, they would have become a laughing stock!!
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .....
"Elbows Or Phones."
Pasta was not eaten in Australia.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
All potato chips were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.
Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
Water came out of the tap.
If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it, they would have become a laughing stock!!
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .....
"Elbows Or Phones."
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
An Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion . . .
The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra
virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream,
non-stop, for five minutes."
The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special
aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made
her scream for fifteen minutes."
The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a
special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then
made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow!
That's phenomenal, what did you do to make her scream for two hours?"
The Englishman replied:
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."
The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra
virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream,
non-stop, for five minutes."
The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special
aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made
her scream for fifteen minutes."
The Englishman said:
That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a
special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then
made love and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow!
That's phenomenal, what did you do to make her scream for two hours?"
The Englishman replied:
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: "Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl" The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!" "Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: 'Brave American saves life of little girl'" – the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" – says the man. "Oh, what are you then? " The man says: - "I am a Saudi !" The next day the newspapers says: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog. :-"
Consolidated Joke Thread
> > Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They
> > rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch.
> >
> > Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of
> > Pinot Grigio.
> >
> > Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the
> > initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
> >
> > Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
> > She too shares the wine.
> >
> > Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she
> > met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
> > Timothy is
> > a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft
> > apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.
> > They have a second home in Portugal.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become
> > a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial
> > investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and
> > have a second home in Italy.
> >
> > Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her
> > boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own
> > vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.
> >
> > Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts
> > out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in a small
> > apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.
> >
> > Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she
> > and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home.
> > They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent.
> >
> > Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
> > rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch.
> >
> > Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of
> > Pinot Grigio.
> >
> > Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the
> > initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
> >
> > Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
> > She too shares the wine.
> >
> > Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she
> > met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
> > Timothy is
> > a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft
> > apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.
> > They have a second home in Portugal.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become
> > a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial
> > investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and
> > have a second home in Italy.
> >
> > Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her
> > boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own
> > vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.
> >
> > Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts
> > out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in a small
> > apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.
> >
> > Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she
> > and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home.
> > They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent.
> >
> > Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed
>> To use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Tide
>> In to stop the coloureds from running.
>> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of
>> Improvements
>> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English.
>> Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
>> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in
>> Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London :
>> Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
>> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
>> But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found
>> That a bacon sandwich works great!
>> To use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some Tide
>> In to stop the coloureds from running.
>> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of
>> Improvements
>> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who's English.
>> Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
>> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> They've had to cancel the pantomime 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in
>> Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London :
>> Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
>> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
>> But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found
>> That a bacon sandwich works great!
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they
didn't have a bath, although if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in front
of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled
the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned
this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back
garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have
hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the
girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very
generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see
it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough
before."
"I know," he said, "but the bloody darts team hadn't!"
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they
didn't have a bath, although if she wanted one, she could use a tin bath in front
of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled
the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned
this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back
garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have
hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the
girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very
generously indeed.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see
it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough
before."
"I know," he said, "but the bloody darts team hadn't!"
Consolidated Joke Thread
Elton John, and his partner, David Furnish wanted a baby. They had their
sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.
When the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a
dozen babies were lying in their small beds, eleven of them crying and
screaming. In the corner one baby was lying serenely.
A nurse came over to both of men and indicated that the
happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies, and yet
our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse said, "Well, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I
pull the pacifier out of his ass."
sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.
When the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a
dozen babies were lying in their small beds, eleven of them crying and
screaming. In the corner one baby was lying serenely.
A nurse came over to both of men and indicated that the
happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies, and yet
our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse said, "Well, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I
pull the pacifier out of his ass."
-
jackspratt
- udonmap.com
- Posts: 16156
- Joined: July 2, 2006, 5:29 pm
Consolidated Joke Thread
One for Socksy. #
>
> The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather
> dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
> fifties.
>
> "May I help you sir?" she asked.
>
> "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
>
> "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
> prefer someone else", said the madam.
>
> "No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
>
> Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000
> a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds
> and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man
> calmly left.
>
> The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
>
> Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row,
> as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still
> £5000.
>
> Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
> upstairs. After an hour, he left.
>
> The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
> astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid
> Valerie and they went upstairs.
>
> After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been
> with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
>
> The man replied, " Edinburgh .."
>
> "Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
>
> "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I
> was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person
> ................"
>
> The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain
> ...................
>
> 1. Death
>
> 2. Taxes
>
> 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
# Disclosure - was posted back in 2007 by jj, in a US setting. Now updated.
>
> The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather
> dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
> fifties.
>
> "May I help you sir?" she asked.
>
> "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
>
> "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
> prefer someone else", said the madam.
>
> "No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
>
> Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000
> a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds
> and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man
> calmly left.
>
> The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
>
> Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row,
> as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still
> £5000.
>
> Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
> upstairs. After an hour, he left.
>
> The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was
> astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid
> Valerie and they went upstairs.
>
> After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been
> with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
>
> The man replied, " Edinburgh .."
>
> "Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
>
> "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I
> was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person
> ................"
>
> The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain
> ...................
>
> 1. Death
>
> 2. Taxes
>
> 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
# Disclosure - was posted back in 2007 by jj, in a US setting. Now updated.
Consolidated Joke Thread
Nice one Jack. Due to the LAN on my Router being 'cattle trucked', I've been unable to post here for a couple of day's but watch this space. (After my Saturday afternoon Jolly that is - which may mean tomorrow).
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
LEGENDARY QUOTES
I'll probably be ridiculed as a racist for this but never mind I won't lose any sleep over it.
France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from those drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
Mark Twain
------------------------------
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
General George S. Patton
------------------------------
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
Norman Schwarzkopf
------------------------------
“As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.”
Jacques Chirac, President of France
------------------------------
“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.”
Regis Philbin
“What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?”
Dennis Miller
------------------------------
“It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.”
Alan Kent
-----------------------------
“They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.”
Argus Hamilton
Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
-----------------------------
“Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried.”
Rep. R. Blount, MO
------------------------------
French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris which caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
I'll probably be ridiculed as a racist for this but never mind I won't lose any sleep over it.
France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from those drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
Mark Twain
------------------------------
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
General George S. Patton
------------------------------
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
Norman Schwarzkopf
------------------------------
“As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.”
Jacques Chirac, President of France
------------------------------
“The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.”
Regis Philbin
“What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?”
Dennis Miller
------------------------------
“It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.”
Alan Kent
-----------------------------
“They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.”
Argus Hamilton
Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
-----------------------------
“Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried.”
Rep. R. Blount, MO
------------------------------
French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney
(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003
The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris which caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
KAMASUTRA LESSONS:
1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!
2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B" Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs & lower body with a "P" Petticoat, Panties, Pussy ...
No wonder men suffer from high B P!
3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're f*cked
4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got f*cked to achieve it.
5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the F*ck! and What a F*ck!
6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome.
So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.
8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!".
But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done"!
Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters. :-"
1. Kamasutra says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!
2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B" Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs & lower body with a "P" Petticoat, Panties, Pussy ...
No wonder men suffer from high B P!
3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're f*cked
4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got f*cked to achieve it.
5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the F*ck! and What a F*ck!
6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome.
So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.
8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!".
But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done"!
Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters. :-"
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
Financial Planning
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
New Parliamentary Candidate?
Hopefully, this guy will run for office. He’s laid back, looks intelligent, and appears to have what current politicians lack.
warning - animal genitalia on display
https://blu176.afx.ms/att/GetInline.asp ... oneredir=1
Hopefully, this guy will run for office. He’s laid back, looks intelligent, and appears to have what current politicians lack.
warning - animal genitalia on display
https://blu176.afx.ms/att/GetInline.asp ... oneredir=1
Here's tae us, wha's like us, damn few, and they're a' deid. Mair's the pity!
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Alba gu bràth
Since 1872 Semper Paratus. Neque Deditionem
Consolidated Joke Thread
socksy wrote:New Parliamentary Candidate?
Hopefully, this guy will run for office. He’s laid back, looks intelligent, and appears to have what current politicians lack.
warning - animal genitalia on display
https://blu176.afx.ms/att/GetInline.asp ... oneredir=1
The Link Does'nt Work, Socksy.....