Consolidated Joke Thread

[jingjai]

Some politically incorrect humor:

VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

[jingjai]

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch
together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'
Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.
Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'
Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.
Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'.

A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and
some cookies.
Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie ?'
The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.
The little boy replies,
'Then go fvck yourself.
Grandma made these For me'

[LoongLee]

A woman goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one
and goes over to the counter.

A sales associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod
and reel?"

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco
404 reel and 10-lb. test line. It's a good all around combination,
and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her
purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind
clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me
the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies,"Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck
Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

[trubrit]

A little boy having just watched a wedding asked his Mum. Why do brides wear white.?
She replied its a symbol of her purity son.
So the little boy went to ask his father
Why do brides wear white dad?
Dad replied . All domestic appliances come in white son.

[trubrit]

How fights start.
The wife sat down on the sofa next to me while I was flipping channels.
She asked . Whats on TV?
I said dust. Then the fight started.

My wife and I were watching "Who wants to be a millionaire " while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said' Do you want to make love?
No, she answered
I asked . Is that your final answer?
Without even looking at me she said , yes.
So I said. I would like to ring a friend. Then the fight started.

[Fawn]

Aha, I see you've borrowed Rico's stand up routine. Remember it's not content, Val but delivery.

It's the way he tells 'em!

[jingjai]

THE VIBRATOR
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

[mytluky]

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise coming from his parents bedroom. He opens the door a crack and sees his mom face buried in a pillow, arse up in the air and dad behind giving it everything he's got. His dad looks over at Johnny, winks and gives him a thumbs up. Little Johnny closes the door and goes about his business. A couple of days later the dad is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Johnny's bedroom. The dad opens the door and sees Grandma on the bed face down and arse up with Little Johnny behind her givin it everything hes got. The dad starts yelling, Johnny you sick little Bastard what do you think you're doing? Little Johnny looks at him and says, It's not so funny when it's your mom is it.

[jingjai]

Hubby gets I Love You

tattooed on his penis and goes home to show his wife.

She says: "There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth."

[beer monkey]

For Star wars Fans......And 'Snatch' Fans........

*contains strong language

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[Pakawala]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a long password, she replied, "They said it had to be 8 characters."

[Roy]

oh dear ioh

[beer monkey]

"Mr Roy"s Magical Ass & Tit Emporium

All Beer 50 Baht...Happy Hour All Night Long.

And don't forget folks, on the way out please remember to visit the Stand selling The Solar Pickles.

Buy 1 Get 1 free....Limited stock when its gone its gone.

[panick]

"Mr Roy"s Magical Ass & Tit Emporium]

Springs to mind .........

Liquor in the front

Poker in the rear!

and YES there is a bar bar in Patts by the same name

[Roy]

Despite all you nah sayers "Mr Roy's Magical Ass & Tit Emporium" will be opening its doors soon. A gay club will also be available, entrance via the back door

[RALPHCUSENS]

"Mr Roy's Magical Ass & Tit Emporium"

So Roy, we now know how you really damaged your foot," you went ass over tit"

[arjay]

I recently came across these answers to UK GCSE exam questions, which I thought were rather humerous, so thought I would post them.


The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water
on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[ULICK MC GEE]

Every saturday Seamus would polish his shoes go to the local dance,ask a lady to dance look down at his shoes and whisper the colour of her knickers in her ear.One saturday however the lady whispered,"i'm not wearing any knickers".Thank god said Seamus i thought my shoe's had SPLIT.

[stattointhailand]

SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed
by Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked,' Mr. Burns, how do you
carry so much energy with you? You are always working
and at your age I think that is remarkable.'

Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and
enjoy what I do when I do it.'

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing,
even at your age.'

George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I
am quite good at it.'

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would
you do it with me?'

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I
just don't believe I have never been so satisfied, you
are a remarkable man.'

George said, 'The second time is even better than the
first time."

Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold
my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your
right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and
Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, 'Oh Mr.. Burns, I am astounded that you could
do a repeat performance and have it be better than the
first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'

George said that the third time would be even better.
'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my
penis in your right hand and wake me in thirty
minutes.'

Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of
recharge your batteries?'



George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a
black woman she stole my wallet.'

[stattointhailand]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.



Your loving daughter,

Sheila