Consolidated Jokes

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 26, 2019, 1:47 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 26, 2019, 1:48 pm

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fredwilliams
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » June 26, 2019, 7:18 pm

THERAPIST: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?

HUSBAND: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 27, 2019, 10:19 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 28, 2019, 2:09 pm

It was so hot last night that we had a fan in the bedroom. The clapping and cheering was a little off putting but much appreciated..

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 28, 2019, 9:34 pm

Make Yer Mind Up !!!!!!.................
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 30, 2019, 11:24 am

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am
by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up
and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in
the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he
answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's
bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago
when we broke down, and those two guys helped
us? I think you should help him, and you should
be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people
too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and
goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still
there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 30, 2019, 11:45 am

WETHERSPOONS 97p a pint!

Open to all Liverpool fans. Go to any Wetherspoons pub, go up to the bar and say, it's our season, we got 97 points last season, I've come to claim my 97p pint. Enjoy. Offer closes on opening day of the season.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » June 30, 2019, 6:13 pm

When I was a kid my Mum would send me down to the corner shop with a pound note and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, a loaf of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, half a dozen eggs.

You can't do that now. Too many fuckin' security cameras."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by neeemu » June 30, 2019, 9:14 pm

I chuckled and then I saw Mexico as well :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » July 3, 2019, 11:53 am

I'm convinced my wife had sex with another man yesterday.

She passed her driving test first time.!

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » July 3, 2019, 9:34 pm

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » July 4, 2019, 5:44 pm

Remember, you still need your I.D. when flying on domestic flights. A passport, driver’s licence or, if you’re flying from Glasgow, an ASBO or valid court conviction.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » July 5, 2019, 12:57 pm

Paddy and Murphy are working on a roof, when suddenly Paddy doesn't feel very well.

He says "Murphy, I feel sick and dizzy, so I’m going home"

Murphy asks "Have you got vertigo Paddy?”

Paddy replies "No Murphy, I only live around the corner...”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by dunroaming » July 5, 2019, 2:50 pm

747man wrote:
July 4, 2019, 5:44 pm
Remember, you still need your I.D. when flying on domestic flights. A passport, driver’s licence or, if you’re flying from Glasgow, an ASBO or valid court conviction.
Glasgow don't allow scousers as worried plane tyres might disappear

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » July 5, 2019, 5:23 pm

dunroaming wrote:
July 5, 2019, 2:50 pm
747man wrote:
July 4, 2019, 5:44 pm
Remember, you still need your I.D. when flying on domestic flights. A passport, driver’s licence or, if you’re flying from Glasgow, an ASBO or valid court conviction.
Glasgow don't allow scousers as worried plane tyres might disappear
The Tyres Don't interest US,It's the Rims that are worth the Money, So NOW Yer Know !! :lol: :lol:

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » July 6, 2019, 10:23 am

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by pipadoo » July 6, 2019, 10:59 am

A couple were driving through Wales and arrived in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. They stopped for a bite to eat then had a furious argument about the pronunciation of the place they were in. To settle the matter, they went up to the counter and asked the waitress to say slowly and clearly the name of the place.

She replied, "It's Burrr-gerrr Kiiinggg!"🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » July 10, 2019, 6:59 pm

When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall.

His statue in London is 15 feet tall.

That’s Horatio of 3:1.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by pipadoo » July 16, 2019, 12:14 pm

This definitely could happen 🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓
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