Consolidated Jokes

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747man
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 5, 2019, 12:08 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 6, 2019, 7:58 pm

A Woman and a man were
involved in a car accident.
It's a bad one, caused by the
woman's reckless driving. (no
offence meant to anyone )
Both of their cars were damaged
beyond repairs but amazingly
neither of them is hurt.
After they crawled out of their
cars, the woman says;
... "So, you're a man. That's
interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but
fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that
we should meet and be friends
and live together in peace for the
rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with
you completely. This must be a
sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look
at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely damaged, but
this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this
wine and celebrate our good
fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the
man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it, drinks half
the bottle and then hands it back
to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle,
immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having
any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just
wait for the police to come and
collect their evidence."
Adam ate the apple again!!!
Men will NEVER learn!!!
Women will Never change!!!

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 6, 2019, 11:27 pm

A RM Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 24 men raised their hands, except the one naval MA.

The sergeant asked the MA "Why didn't you raise your hand?"

The MA replied: "Can't be arsed, Sarge."😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 7, 2019, 2:20 pm

Was in the pub a few months ago with my mate and these 4 huge bastards started mouthing off at us

“Pretend we’re the police” my mate said

I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the **** out of us.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 7, 2019, 3:15 pm

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 7, 2019, 3:27 pm

🧐😉👍😂😂😂😂😂
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by fredwilliams » May 9, 2019, 1:54 am

I saw a bewildered looking coke-head earlier.

He said "Have you seen my cocaine?"

I said "Not since he starred in Zulu"

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 10, 2019, 12:28 am

Got my first gamblers anonymous class tomorrow at 10/1😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 10, 2019, 12:29 am

Ode to the Spell Checker"

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓👍

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 10, 2019, 5:29 pm

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5." The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the check out, he told the girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the check out for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5." A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the check out he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said...
"Mop and bucket to Checkout 5

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 10, 2019, 10:16 pm

Got my first gamblers anonymous class tomorrow at 10/1😐😳😩🧐🤓🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 11, 2019, 4:42 pm

A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop, she was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said “350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!” she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!”
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner.”

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 11, 2019, 5:39 pm

FCUK IT, LET'S OFFEND EVERYONE!!!
I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.” I told him, “I wish I had your will power!
*
I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "poles and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
*
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said, “Sorry about the wait.”
I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually."
*
Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"
*
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him,“What's wrong?”
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus,"the man says. “Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”
The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”
*
Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !
*
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
*
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus, and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"
*
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."
*
I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question....which I got wrong. The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.
*
A woman has a medical at the doctors. “You are grossly overweight,” he says.
“I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims. “OK. You're bloody ugly as well.”
That should more or less cover everyone......

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 13, 2019, 6:13 am

After boarding a plane at Southampton, I took my seat and as I settled in, I glanced up and saw a beautiful woman boarding the plane.
I soon realized she was heading straight towards my seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washed over me. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside me.
Eager to strike up a conversation, I blurted out, "Business trip or holiday?".
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Marbella," she stated.
Whoa!! I gulped and was instantly crazed with excitement, I live near there, and here's the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to me and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain my outward cool, calmly asked "What's your business role... at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," says I, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."
Suddenly, the woman became very embarrassed and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".
"Tonto", I replied, confidently extending my hand ... "Tonto Papadopoulos."

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 13, 2019, 7:05 am

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully.

Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."🧐😌🤓🤓🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 13, 2019, 7:36 pm

THIS IS A MUST READ.......BRILLIANT 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 18, 2019, 8:33 am

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 18, 2019, 10:09 pm

Could happen
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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 21, 2019, 4:50 pm

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.'
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

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Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by AlexO » May 22, 2019, 7:46 pm

The wife claims to have quit smoking. To see if she's telling the truth I've gone to the pub and left the gas on.

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