Consolidated Jokes

Post your thoughts here if you are not sure where to post it!
Post Reply
User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 10035
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 24, 2018, 12:23 pm

One day a woman was working at a sperm bank when an armed and masked robber bursts in demanding money.

The woman has no money and says: “sir you do realize this is a sperm bank right?”

The man replies: “fine then take me to where you keep the sperm or I will shoot you”

The girl directs him to the vault and the man says: “I want you to drink one.”

Reluctantly the women drinks the sperm and the man says: “drink another one”, so she does after she’s done the man pulls off his mask and says: “see honey it’s not that hard”.



User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 10035
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 24, 2018, 8:40 pm

Dd6m3KFV4AIekPC.jpg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 10035
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 25, 2018, 11:26 am

A white guy woke up in a cell with an asian man and a black man. None of them had any idea what was going on. All of a sudden a mysterious man appears in front of them and says, “If all of your d*ck lengths combined can reach exactly 1 foot, I’ll let you all go. If not, I’ll kill you all.”

All 3 men pulled down their pants and put their d*cks together, the white guy had 4 inches, the black guy had 6 inches and the Asian guy had 2 inches.

The man then let them go. As they were leaving the cell, the white guy said: “You guys are lucky I’m white.”

The black said: “No way! You guys are lucky I’m black!”

And then the Asian guy yelled: “You guys are lucky I had a boner!”

User avatar
GT93
udonmap.com
Posts: 5312
Joined: June 5, 2009, 9:37 am
Location: ฃอยชอบ Auckland

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » May 26, 2018, 2:15 am

There are some rather grubby jokes going around Nong Khai this month.

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 807
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 26, 2018, 2:18 am

Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage.
The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan.
Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

User avatar
Nigglyb
udonmap.com
Posts: 739
Joined: February 13, 2014, 5:00 am
Contact:

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by Nigglyb » May 26, 2018, 4:39 am

I asked a sexy Chinese girl for her number
She replied, “se x, se x, se x, free se x tonight”
I said, “wow”, then her friend said, “she meant 6663629”
May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me

User avatar
vidmaster
udonmap.com
Posts: 807
Joined: August 18, 2013, 3:15 am

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by vidmaster » May 26, 2018, 4:48 am

Henry was unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the entrance porch when the worshippers were busy praying.
When Henry arrived at the church an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on 'The Ten Commandments.'
After the service, Henry met the vicar in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him, 'I want to thank you Father for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it.'
The vicar answered, 'You mean the commandment ' Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?'
'No, 'retorted Henry, 'the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I had left my old hat

User avatar
GT93
udonmap.com
Posts: 5312
Joined: June 5, 2009, 9:37 am
Location: ฃอยชอบ Auckland

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » May 26, 2018, 7:07 am

It seems the Udon jokes are less grubby. Well, for now.

User avatar
GT93
udonmap.com
Posts: 5312
Joined: June 5, 2009, 9:37 am
Location: ฃอยชอบ Auckland

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » May 26, 2018, 7:17 am

This one must have done the rounds in Nong Khai:

"Alan's neighbour, Somchai, and Somchai's wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Somchai says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge 1,000 baht. If you got a question, I’ll be around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a young Everton supporter walks by and asks, “How much?” She says, “1,000 baht.” He says, “All I got is 300”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Somchai and asks, “What can he get for 300?”

“A hand job”, Somchai replies. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for 300 baht is a hand job. He agrees. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Somchai, and asks, “Can you loan this guy 700 baht?”"

User avatar
GT93
udonmap.com
Posts: 5312
Joined: June 5, 2009, 9:37 am
Location: ฃอยชอบ Auckland

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » May 26, 2018, 7:45 am

An oldie but goodie:

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 10035
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 26, 2018, 11:32 am

DeD-arlWkAAHgJn.jpg

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 10035
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 26, 2018, 11:51 am

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

“Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 10035
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 26, 2018, 11:58 am

DeELW14X0AYUB8k.jpg

User avatar
GT93
udonmap.com
Posts: 5312
Joined: June 5, 2009, 9:37 am
Location: ฃอยชอบ Auckland

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » May 27, 2018, 2:42 am

Somchai's daughter realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mum, Mrs. Somchai, about that hair.

Her mum calmly said: "In Nong Khai we call that part where the hair has grown "monkey". Be proud that your monkey has grown hair."

The girl smiled. While sitting on the floor eating dinner at her Nong Khai home that evening, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair."

Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing. Mine is already eating imported bananas."

User avatar
GT93
udonmap.com
Posts: 5312
Joined: June 5, 2009, 9:37 am
Location: ฃอยชอบ Auckland

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » May 27, 2018, 7:53 am

Two English gents, Alan and Flacker, are having a drink in a Nong Khai bar. The bartender is Alan's neighbour, Somchai, but that’s not relevant in this post. Alan tells Flacker that he bought a racehorse with some other cabbies way back in 1984 - 5 because he had made quite a bit of money punting on Everton that season.

He tells Flacker we called the horse “My Face”.

Alan: “We didn’t care if he didn’t win. We just wanted to hear a load of posh twats shouting come on My Face."

User avatar
GT93
udonmap.com
Posts: 5312
Joined: June 5, 2009, 9:37 am
Location: ฃอยชอบ Auckland

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by GT93 » May 27, 2018, 3:01 pm

An overweight Liverpool supporter walks into the bar of a Nong Khai restaurant and goes up to the bartender, Somchai, and asks "How much for a large bottle of Leo?" After a bit of an effort to work out what the singlet attired Scouser is saying, Somchai replies "30 baht".

The farang’s jaw drops in amazement. He scratches a hairy shoulder. He quickly orders a beer and then asks Somchai "Well then how much for an Aussie sirloin with a side of mashed potatoes and salad and an entire cheesecake for desert?" Somchai replies "100 baht".

The ex-pat Scouser is astonished and quickly orders everything. After he is done eating his meal he says "Wow, this place is awesome. I really wish I could meet the owner of this place. Is he a farang?"

Somchai then whispers "Yes. He's upstairs in his office with my oldest daughter". The portly Scouser looks confused. Then he delicately asks: "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your daughter?"

Somchai mischievously smiles and says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

User avatar
dianecad
udonmap.com
Posts: 22
Joined: February 7, 2010, 10:39 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by dianecad » May 28, 2018, 12:24 pm

LONDON CABBIE. A DEVOUT MUSLIN ENTERED A BLACK CAB IN LONDON. HE CURTLY ASKED ASKED THE CABBIE TO TURN OFF THE RADIO BECAUSE AS DECREED BY HIS RELIGIOUS TEACHING, HE MUST NOT LISTEN TO MUSIC BECAUSE IN THE TIME OF THE PROPHET THERE WAS NO MUSIC,ESPECIALLY WESTERN MUSIC WHICH IS THE MUSIC OF THE IFIDEL.THE CAB DRIVER POLITELY SWITCHED OFF THE RADIO, STOPPED THE CAB AND OPEND THE DOOR. THE ARAB ASKED HIM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?; THE CABBIE ANSWERED, IN THE TIME OF THE PROPHET THERE WERE NO TAXIS ABOUT, SO **** OFF AND WAIT FOR A CAMEL.;HAAA.HA. GOODIE HEY.

User avatar
dianecad
udonmap.com
Posts: 22
Joined: February 7, 2010, 10:39 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by dianecad » May 28, 2018, 12:54 pm

A MAN WITH A BALD HEAD AND A WOODEN LEG IS INVITED XMAS FANCY DRESS PARTY. HE DOESN;T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR TO HIDE BALD HEAD AND HIS WOODEN LEG,SO HE WRITES TO A FANCY DRESS COMPANY TO EXPLAIN HIS PROBLEM. A FEW DAYS LATER HE RECEIVES A PARCEL WITH A NOTE; DEAR SIR, PLEASE FIND ENCLOSED A PIRATES OUT OUTFIT.THE SPOTTED HANDKERCHIEF WILL COVER YOUR BALD HEAD AND WITH YOUR WOODEN LEG YOU WILL THE PART AS A PIRATE.THE MAN IS OFFENDED THAT THE OUTFIT EMPHASIZES HIS DISABILITY, SO HE WRITES A LETTER OF CONPLAINT...A WEEK PASSES AND HE RECIEVES ANOTHER PARCEL AND A NOTE; DEAR SIR SORRY ABOUT PREVIOUS PARCEL. PLEASEFIND ENCLOSED A MONKS HABIT.THE ROBE WILL COVER YOUR WOODEN LEG AND WITH YOUR BALD HEAD YOOO WILL REALY LOOK THE PART.THE MAN IS REALY IN A RAGE NOW BECAUSE THEY HAVE GONE TO FAR DRAWING ATTENTION TO HIS WOODEN LEG AND HIS BALD HEAD. HE WRITES A VERY NASTY LETTER BACK OF CONPLAINT, A FEW DAYS LATER HE RECIEVES A VERY SMALL PARCEL WHITH A LETTER, SAYING DEAR SIR PLEASE FIND A TIN OF GOLDEN SYRUP. WE SUGGEST YOU POUR THE TIN OF GOLDEN SYRUP OVER YOUR BALDY ****** HEAD, LET IT HARDEN, THEN STICK YOUR WOODEN LEG UP YOUR ARSE AND GO AS A ****** TOFFEE APPLE.

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 10035
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 28, 2018, 1:17 pm

dianecad wrote:
May 28, 2018, 12:24 pm
LONDON CABBIE. A DEVOUT MUSLIN ENTERED A BLACK CAB IN LONDON. HE CURTLY ASKED ASKED THE CABBIE TO TURN OFF THE RADIO BECAUSE AS DECREED BY HIS RELIGIOUS TEACHING, HE MUST NOT LISTEN TO MUSIC BECAUSE IN THE TIME OF THE PROPHET THERE WAS NO MUSIC,ESPECIALLY WESTERN MUSIC WHICH IS THE MUSIC OF THE IFIDEL.THE CAB DRIVER POLITELY SWITCHED OFF THE RADIO, STOPPED THE CAB AND OPEND THE DOOR. THE ARAB ASKED HIM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?; THE CABBIE ANSWERED, IN THE TIME OF THE PROPHET THERE WERE NO TAXIS ABOUT, SO **** OFF AND WAIT FOR A CAMEL.;HAAA.HA. GOODIE HEY.
Very Old one Though !!

User avatar
747man
udonmap.com
Posts: 10035
Joined: March 25, 2007, 2:22 pm

Re: Consolidated Jokes

Post by 747man » May 28, 2018, 1:19 pm

dianecad wrote:
May 28, 2018, 12:54 pm
A MAN WITH A BALD HEAD AND A WOODEN LEG IS INVITED XMAS FANCY DRESS PARTY. HE DOESN;T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR TO HIDE BALD HEAD AND HIS WOODEN LEG,SO HE WRITES TO A FANCY DRESS COMPANY TO EXPLAIN HIS PROBLEM. A FEW DAYS LATER HE RECEIVES A PARCEL WITH A NOTE; DEAR SIR, PLEASE FIND ENCLOSED A PIRATES OUT OUTFIT.THE SPOTTED HANDKERCHIEF WILL COVER YOUR BALD HEAD AND WITH YOUR WOODEN LEG YOU WILL THE PART AS A PIRATE.THE MAN IS OFFENDED THAT THE OUTFIT EMPHASIZES HIS DISABILITY, SO HE WRITES A LETTER OF CONPLAINT...A WEEK PASSES AND HE RECIEVES ANOTHER PARCEL AND A NOTE; DEAR SIR SORRY ABOUT PREVIOUS PARCEL. PLEASEFIND ENCLOSED A MONKS HABIT.THE ROBE WILL COVER YOUR WOODEN LEG AND WITH YOUR BALD HEAD YOOO WILL REALY LOOK THE PART.THE MAN IS REALY IN A RAGE NOW BECAUSE THEY HAVE GONE TO FAR DRAWING ATTENTION TO HIS WOODEN LEG AND HIS BALD HEAD. HE WRITES A VERY NASTY LETTER BACK OF CONPLAINT, A FEW DAYS LATER HE RECIEVES A VERY SMALL PARCEL WHITH A LETTER, SAYING DEAR SIR PLEASE FIND A TIN OF GOLDEN SYRUP. WE SUGGEST YOU POUR THE TIN OF GOLDEN SYRUP OVER YOUR BALDY ****** HEAD, LET IT HARDEN, THEN STICK YOUR WOODEN LEG UP YOUR ARSE AND GO AS A ****** TOFFEE APPLE.
STOP ******* SHOUTING..... :lol: :lol: :lol:

Post Reply

Return to “Open Forum”